THX. (RHONY RECAP)
The ladies are off to the Hamptons this week.
How can we make this as dramatic and action packed as possible? How about we start off by putting Sonja on a bus. NO SERIOUSLY. Sonja is taking the Jitney (which is apparently a bus) to South Hampton. (Can you see my eyes rolling?) She's walking down the street dragging her suitcase, holding a bouquet of flowers, and her marroon-ass dog. It could be a scene from Grey Gardens. She's wearing a fur coat and the whole nine yards. She struggles to get her stuff on the bus, and then we see Sonja reading the newspaper with her MARROON DOG staring at us ... like it's the most natural thing ever. Like they were born here. I think this dog is supposed to be pink?
Cut to Dorinda driving Carole and Tins out to the Hamptons. Y'all know I love Dorinda, but I don't know if that's the person I want driving me anyplace. Three seconds after she brags about what a great driver she is she stops abruptly and someone is honking at her. Tins and Carole look terrified. Guess what these girls are gossiping about??? No, not the marathon, silly. SONJA! They rehash Ms. Morgan's recent shenanigans. She talked shit about Tins, she called Dorinda fat ... they're having a good old fashioned bitch fest.
Where is Lu? Well, speaking people I don't want driving me around ... Lu pulls up to a local wine and cheese shop in South Hampton in her gorgeous black Mercedes. OF COURSE this is her car. OF COURSE she talks about how she just got this car and loves driving and being simple. OF COURSE. She's putting together a few items for Bethenny for her birthday. OF COURSE what I really mean is she orders the shop owner around and tells him what she wants while pretending to look interested in the store and artisan honey. LOLOLOL ARTISAN HONEY. Being rich is so weird.
Last, but certainly not least, Ramona pulls up at her place in the Hamptons ... in a Maserati. I guess this is an episode all about cars. This one takes the cake though, it's a gorgeous car. GORGEOUS. What is she doing driving a Maserati. LOL. JK. OF COURSE this is her car. Ramona is getting ready for her big party to celebrate Carole's marathon success AND she's redoing her house and has purchased new art to spruce up the place. When the two dudes who show up to deliver the art (which might actually include the artist, I'm not totally sure?) ... she has them move furniture around before they begin hanging the new art work. She just has to because the caretaker for the house is out of town. She says caretaker a lot here to really drive home the fact that she's a RICH BITCH. Whatevs, you saw how she made that dude unpack her in Mexico last season, surely you aren't surprised.
WOW. This is gonna be a fun weekend. LOL
The Queen and Countess of bull shit (Sonja and Lu ... duh) meet up as soon as the Jitney arrives. These two deserve each other. They have their own gossip shesh about each of the girls. Sonja tells Lu things are fine with Tins and will always be fine and they will always be connected and in each others lives. Hilarious since she just trashed Tins to Dorinda for a whole afternoon. We also learn that Sonja sent Carole a long and heartfelt congratulatory email about the marathon. ...to which Carole responded with: THX. I guess LuAnn did the same thing, but Carole's response to her was Thanks (fully spelled out!). Well, what were you bitches expecting?
LOL. I love Carole. I clearly need to up my email shade game.
Oh yeah. I almost forgot. Bethenny.
We've gone 10 minutes without anyone bragging about charity work, but it's OK, don't worry. She's throwing a birthday party for herself. It's not Puerto Rico, but it'll do. B arrives 12 minutes late (she tells us, obvi) and she's the first to arrive. She tries to act chill about this, but you can almost see her skin bubble and boil as she waits ... LOL ... patiently. The ladies show up slowly but surely and everyone is basically all a twitter with feelings about Sonja. Everyone positions themselves around the table trying to avoid her.
Dorinda, never one to shy away from ALL CAPS DRAMA, asks Lu if it's OK having Sonja at her house and goes into all the BS she's been spouting about her and Tins. Lu calls Sonja harmless and shrugs the whole thing off. Please. The Countess doesn't care about any of the gossip as long as it's not about her. While this is all going down Sonja brings up Carole's THX response to her gorgeous and gushing email. She goes on and on about it in true Sonja fashion. Bethenny decides to pile on here and says Carole didn't respond to her texts of congratulations. They go back and forth here a bit and Bethenny gets a little screamy (SHOCKING) and pulls out her phone ... it gets real weird ... but Carole doesn't really back down. Ramona is eating this up because she feels she has been the only person to correct and stand up to Bethenny.
YOU GUYS. WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN THEM? They both keep trying to explain and over explain on their blogs, but I'm not buying what either of them is throwing at me. Some shit went down and I wanna know the TRUTH!
Suddenly Lu is telling Bethenny she was right about Tom and she should have heeded her warning. Then BRAVO gets super shady and makes us watch clips of Tom and Lu together. It's gross. Poor little LuLu ... these videos are hard to watch. WOOF. Bethenny being BETHENNY loves this half-assed apology and gloats while Lu sorta kinda almost apologizes to the whole table.
THEN? Lu runs away to get music? She comes back and we can hear her before we see her ... she sounds like Bea Arthur's dead great grandmother ... she's giving Bethenny some sort of sexy birthday cabaret performance? MKAY. They all pretend this is normal and then put on funny glasses with noses and dance around the restaurant. Aiiight.
The next morning Bethenny meets Tins & Carole for brunch. There's nothing much to see here except for the shift in dynamics between Bethenny and Carole ... blah blah blah ... Carole doesn't give much to B here and it's beautiful, they leave and go see Bethenny's new place.
Meanwhile at LuAnn's ...
Sonja starts saying stuff about how Ramona is in love with her contractor and Dorinda loses it and acusses Sonja of making up stories and basically being full of shit. BUT LIKEEEE ... she really goes all out ... we're talking head shaking, finger pointing, yelling, wide eyes ... it's classic drunk Dorinda ...
... but she's perfectly sober (I mean I think so?). Lu says Sonja has been through a lot and Dorinda goes nuclear (lol ... did you think she was already there?) and says I BURRIED A HUSBAND ... to which Sonja responds with ... ahhh we've heard that a thousand times. SO MANY nasty comments are thrown back and forth (YOUR HUSBAND LEFT YOU AND MARRIED YOUR FRIEND) ... and then TO BE CONTINUED.
Girl. We better get life jackets for next week ... WHAT A MESS!