Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



The beginning of any season of any of the Housewives is HARD. There’s so much catching up to do! This rings especially true for the ladies of NYC. How on Earth could we expect these girls to keep up with each other when they aren’t being filmed? They have those houses in the Hamptons to manage, juices to sample in Costa Rica, fillers to inject, and on top of it all Bethenny is super busy pretending she’s the greatest living philanthropist. What’s a girl to do? How does she get back in the groove of not flinching at The Countess? How does she know where her conflicts and alliances are? Schedule lunch dates, obvi.

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We begin with Tinsley, Carole, and Ramona. HA! Girl, I know. New year, new partnerships I guess? Carole immediately calls out Lu for doing black face at the Halloween party. Thank You, Carole! I saw LuLu all over the Internet this week trying to downplay her costume as homage to Diana Ross. Uhhhh. Nah, girl. That was black face. Wanna make Ms. Ross happy? BUY HER MUSIC. What a jackass. Ramona (SHOCKING) forgives the costume; she thought it was cute. She feels bad for Lu and the whole Tom situation. Carole (have I mentioned she’s my favorite yet?) isn’t having it, and thinks Lu should have apologized to everyone for calling them lying bitches for the last two years.

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In other news? Ramona turns the conversation to Bethenny (is it too soon to say SHOCKING again?). Why couldn’t Beth talk real estate with her at the party? She’s always so short and cold with her. I guess this means Ramona’s New Year’s Resolution was to never change. Carole has anxiety about the upcoming marathon, which seems amplified by the fact that Tins is the only Housewife who’s coming to watch. Ramona can’t come to the marathon, but wants to throw her a party to celebrate and talks to her boyfriend (GASP) on the phone at the table about it … then hangs up and says LOVE YOU. Carole and Tins … nearly fall out of their chairs they’re so flabbergasted. LOVE? Whoa.

Lunch number two! Bethenny and Dorinda meet up and are also recapping Halloween. Both ladies thought Lu was out of control with her costume. Bethenny had a great time at the party, but took offense to Ramona’s aggressive real estate talk. It’s way less fun than the restaurant gathering. Way less. They’re eating in Bethenny’s kitchen? There’s actually food being had here so I guess that’s something.

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I’m not really sure if I’m ready to deal with Sonja’s BS, but Dorinda sure is. Lord. Dorinda is so busy this episode. They meet up near Central Park. There’s no lunch, probably because Sonja has decided she only drinks Costa Rican juices. D is trying to make a solid connection with Ms. Morgan this year and move on from their past troubles. Hilarious since Sonja spends the whole time talking about (ie TRASHING) Tins. She can’t understand why Tinsley would leave her $FREE townhouse to pay $10K a month to stay at a hotel. She tells us Tins cannot be alone, and that Scott paid for everything (including that $10K rent AND the $5K gift card from Bergdorf’s last season) and goes on and on and on about how T’s family doesn’t have a ton of money etc etc etc … it’s all very bitchy and super on brand for Sonja.

Side bar. Is Dorinda in therapy or something? She’s got a severe case of “greeting card speak.” At one point she tells Sonja, “when in doubt, don’t shout it out.” It’s good advice, but it sounds like she works at Halmark.

Then. Finally. At last we have The Countess. The Countess, who has cornrows? I’m not touching this one; just know I’m making very big eyes at you. Tins goes into how she and Scott were great together (they broke up PS by the way), so likeeee I’m not really sure what the problem was but OK. This conversation can only mean one thing. Lu has to give dating advice. It’s super LOL and Tins calls her on it, thank the lord. The conversation moves to Carole and the marathon and Carole & Adam (who have also broken up). Lu gets super petty here and says Adam was Carol’s boy toy for three years … and Tins without skipping a beat says, “Well, that’s longer than your marriage.”

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Then we’re suddenly at Sonja’s and there’s a party full of gay men. It’s totally ridiculous. She acts like we should know about it, but have you ever heard about Sonja’s Gay Wednesdays? Me either. Apparently she’s been having these parties for TWELVE YEARS. She keeps telling us she’s a gay man trapped in a woman’s body. Uhhh. YOU GUYS. I’ve had it. No more white ladies going to parties in black face and no more straight women saying, “I’m a gay man trapped in a woman’s body.” Guess what a gay man (trapped in the body of a woman or otherwise) would never do … FIGHT WITH DORINDA. D is our fave, so BACK OFF BISH. This whole party feels like a lie. It has to be, otherwise HOW WAS I NOT INVITED. I’m ready to take a nap … and then Aquaria from RuPaul’s Drag Race shows up and I’m paying attention.


Speaking of eye rolls … Bethenny visits her new apartment and talks about her new love of real estate. She has 5 no 6 no 7 properties (the number keeps growing). What is she trying to do this season? There’s so much performing here. Her business has a new office with more employees, and when she sees it for the first time she runs around telling them to throw various decorations away. She’s so busy, you guys. Then she says Puerto Rico 476 times so we’re sure to hear it.


Dorinda meets Tins for lunch. Honestly, Dorinda is the hardest working woman in all of Manhattan. They catch up a bit while eating bread and ordering wine at 11am (YASS GIRL). They, of course, go right into talking about Sonja. Dorinda tells Tins everything Sonja said in the park. Whew girl. I hope they wrestle. I can’t wait. The best part about D talking about Sonja is she goes into greeting card speak again with, "Never make a mistake twice; do it three or more times so you really get it wrong."

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Then, just when you’ve seen all the lunches that could ever be had Lu meets Sonja. They talk about everyone who has wronged them, and have this strange bonding moment where the Countess compares herself to Queen Latifah and talks about her Pandora station. PS, you guys, WHO IS USING PANDORA? These two are delusional.

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Then the moment we’ve all been waiting for … the New York City Marathon finally arrives. Carole takes a bus to the start of the race and meets her boyfriend not-boyfriend Adam and they hang with Heather.  Oh, man I miss Heather. HOLLA!

This whole sequence is really touching actually. Her family and friends are there to support her. I know I’m showing my favoritism here, but Carole has worked really hard (and also inspired me to sign up for the GD NYC Marathon … which I’ll be doing in November).

We find out her late husband Anthony ran the NYC marathon in the 80s. She met him after he ran it, but it’s touching that they have this connection. She says she’s more scared to run the marathon than she was covering the Middle East for ABC News!

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We watch her struggle through the race a bit and she ends up finishing in 6:42 (SIX HOURS AND FOURTY TWO MINUTES HOLY LORD). I’m such an idiot. I’m in tears. Maybe I should go have lunch with myself now? Thank goodness the race is done so we can get to the petty business of screaming at Sonja and LuAnn for the next three months. LOL I CANNOT WAIT.