AUF WIEDERSEHEN LATEX (RHOBH RECAP)
This Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are winding down their luxury trip to Berlin and are still making extreme demands of their hotel staff while acting like vapid divas. It’s comforting to know these women are still true to themselves even when they’re halfway across the world.
Erika promises to take Kyle and Teddy to the zoo and leaves them waiting for over an hour because she woke up feeling phlegmy and apparently it takes eons to clear your throat in the morning. They finally meet at the zoo and a renowned zoologist gives the ladies backstage access to the adorable panda exhibit. The women show the pandas more respect and reverence than they show any hotel staff who has waited on them hand and foot.
Meanwhile Dorit and Lisa R visit the spa and Dorit complains about Kyle holding onto grudges, while continuing her reign as THE petty Betty of this show.
But that’s soon forgotten because the women are preparing for a boat party by dressing up like they’re attending a Rocky Horror-themed bachelorette. There’s a lot of middle age boob and leather and ties and these women are sexier than I’ll ever be and I ain’t mad at them.
The women hop on their luxury bus to take them to their luxury boat and Erika is nowhere in sight because her glam squad is trying to squeeze her into a latex blouse, which takes lube and baby powder and a bunch of unionized HVAC workers who need to be paid time-and-a-half.
The ladies arrive on their private boat and delay cast off until Erika can waddle her way on deck, almost asphyxiated by her latex pussy bow and gigantic ego. Is it Erika, I wonder, or a robot sex doll version of Erika? We’ll never know. But, we know, you know?
Though every other boat trip in the history of RHOBH has ended in chaos, this boat trip is lovely and fun--so much fun that Lisa Rinna strips down to lingerie and, GOOD LORD, she is the size of my calf. The ladies whoop. I drool. Lisa R suspects that the boat is so delightful because Lisa VP, artful shit-disturber had to leave Berlin early to accept a compassion award for her documentary about dog torture. The old “saved-by-a-dog-torture-documentary-award” trick. Well played, Rinna!
Then the ladies take off for an invite-only restaurant in the back of a darkened alley. Very exclusive. The restaurant is filled with lots of berets and white people with dreadlocks. Exclusively douchey. At dinner, Erika once again brings up the fact that Teddy accused her of pretend amnesia a while back. Teddy explains that she already apologized and Erika can be kind of scary. Erika does nothing to dispel this perception as she sits there stone-faced, like a Russian Bond villainess.
Teddy and Erika agree to get along, mostly because Teddy is frightened by Erika’s icy glare. Then it’s Auf Wiedersehen to Berlin.
Back stateside, Erika performs at a New York City nightclub for Halloween. Lil’ Kim performed there last week, so this hot spot is the place where aging starlets go to die. Mikey, her indentured stylists, demands smoke machines and is denied due to some pesky fire marshall laws so he pouts and then mandates that the club wipe sweat off the stage before Ms. Jayne performs. Whatever makes you feel powerful, Mikey.
Kyle is packing up her house with her bestie Faye Resnick of OJ and Nicole fame, and is getting all verklempt that she has to leave her enormous mansion for an even bigger mansion. She cries at the wallpaper. The wallpaper is like, “Screw off lady. I’m barely making ends meet and had to cash out my 401k to put my kid through college.”
Finally, Dorit and PK enter a warehouse for a walk-thru for her fashion show of her unfortunately named Beverly Beach swimwear line. PK dismisses Dorit’s ideas for the show and general annoys everyone around him but what can you expect from a potato kebab? Potato kebabs aren’t known for their charm and banter. Dorit exclaims that she wants this fashion show to be her comeback. Can’t you only have a comeback if you arrived in the first place? That’s rhetorical. Dorit who?