THE FIVE STAGES OF DORIT (RHOBH RECAP)
During the first half of the RHOBH season, Dorit has gone from annoying to detestable to a personal trigger where every time she’s on screen, I’m reminded of anyone who tormented me in middle school and I spiral into a dark shame-hole until I’m back in Mr. Chartrand’s homeroom class praying that Marshall McCullom will stop making fun of my flat chest. Thanks, Dorit.
But first, some joy. Camille has recovered from cancer and a hysterectomy and is finally ready to feel sexy in her body again. She and Lisa R do a little lingerie shopping, and DAMN these ladies keep it tight. Inside and out. Camille reveals she’s had her vagina tightened and there’s not an inch to pinch anywhere on her fit little figure. I’ve seen and heard about vaginal rejuvenation on every Real Housewives franchise so often that I’m definitely equipped to perform this procedure now. It seems like vaginal rejuvenation has become a status symbol—the new red-bottomed shoe, if you will. Also, Camille bought two pieces of lingerie for over $1300 so she’s a walking status symbol.
Meanwhile PK and Dorit, who are pretty much that evil couple from Les Mis, are catching up upon Dorit’s return from her disastrous New York Fashion Week trip. While Dorit was gone, PK advised Dorit’s team to take her swimwear line from haute couture swimwear to Target sports section and changed the name from Nava to Beverly Beach. Beverly Beach. Beverly Beach sounds like one of my grandma’s friends that always ruins canasta games with her hyper-competitiveness. Anyway, a trashy swimwear line suits this couple perfectly. I hope it fails spectacularly.
Back to sexy Camille who is hosting a fragrance fundraiser for cancer at her home, at which some perfumes are selling for as much as $1500 a bottle (or the price of her lingerie). The ladies arrive and Camille offers a beautiful moving speech about her family’s struggles with cancer. She has come SUCH a long way from her super villainess days in season 1.
Andy Cohen, if you’re reading this and I’m sure you are, please replace Dorit with Camille and PK with a bag of stale pretzels. Both would make much more appealing permanent fixtures on RHOBH.
At the party, Dorit, who is still in Lisa VP’s bad graces for talking smack about her behind her back in NYC, follows Lisa around like a lost puppy. She then literally throws herself on Lisa in a sycophantic attempt to win Lisa back. When Lisa doesn’t reciprocate, Dorit lashes out at Teddy for relaying to Kyle, who then relayed to Lisa, all the shit Dorit had been talking. She claims Teddy blew the situation out of proportion (nope) and that Dorit is in the right (nope). Dorit is going through all the stages of grief but it’s just about being a shitty person.
Meanwhile Erika meets with the crew of the Kim Kardashian Hollywood Game, who are developing an Erika Jayne character. Did the Kardashians really need to infiltrate RHOBH, seemingly the last place on earth safe from those sirens and their tyrant lizard king mother? Attaining character status in this game means Erika has really attained success and she even cries from her surgically modified tear ducts. This is peak vapidity.
Lisa is planning her bday party with my favorite friend of the show, Party planner Kevin. Someone give this man a spinoff show. And if you’re not going to do that, please fire Dorit for the love of all that is good and holy.
The ladies arrive for a spectacular birthday lunch replete with roses and Dita Von Teese-sized martini glasses filled with shrimp the size of Dita Von Teese. Ken gifts Lisa 75$K earrings from their beloved dog, Giggy, which is the least Giggy can do since Lisa loves that balding dog more than any human, including her children.
Lisa spends most of her luncheon taking hilarious and petty jabs at Dorit, whose eyes grow a more insane with each insult. Camille piles on by giving Dorit a ball gag as payback for Dorit running her mouth all the time and insulting Camille on numerous occasions. Everyone finds it funny, save Camille, who is starting to believe that maybe her status as most-special person in this group has been downgraded. Dorit grows incredulous and then up and leaves with PK before the end of the luncheon, asserting once again that she has done nothing wrong. Dear dumb Dorit: Bravo has the receipts and keeps playing clips of you saying terrible things about Lisa. But I’m sure you’ll still find a way to deny wrongdoing.
This woman is just like Shaggy without the embarrassingly catchy hits.
But sweet poetic justice arrives in the form of Lisa’s Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine. Lisa meets with her magazine staff and decides to drop Dorit’s shoot from the issue, which she shot a few weeks prior. Dorit complained the whole photoshoot and said she hated the photos, so the magazine felt no need to include her. But we know this is not about the photos. We know this is Lisa wielding her power in the only way she knows how: passive-aggressively and cutting to the bone. Cold. As. Diamonds. Baby!