I'VE BEEN DIETING FOR TWENTY FIVE YEARS
I’ve been “dieting” for the better part twenty five years. TWENTY FIVE FUCKING YEARS.
Before I had any idea that I should care about what I ingested (outside of having to finish an entire glass of milk at dinner each night), I recall standing in the kitchen with my down the street neighbor friend Katie. She was two or three years my junior, but we hung out quite a bit. I suggested we have some ice cream and she said she was on a diet and could only have one half cup.
She was like, eight.
I stood there perplexed at MEASURING ICE CREAM in anything other than SCOOPS. You get a single or a double, there were no cups involved.
So I dug out measuring cup from the drawer and packed it full of delicious ice cream.
I later came to find out she was on Weight Watchers. This poor, little girl was already on a point system before she hit puberty.
I’ve never done Weight Watchers, though I’ve seen it do wonders for other people. Though I think the overall takeaway from WW is that you always end up coming back to it because you can only stay at your current weight if you’re on the diet. But I mean, great for them and their returning customers.
I’ve also never been a huge fan of “fad” diets. Basically I hate to be told what not to eat.
But somehow, consuming less calories made a lot of sense to me. Like, I could eat a quarter pounder with cheese, but I could only have five bites. I could have seven french fries. I could have ¼ of a sundae. You get the picture.
That in combination with exercise and a personal training, one summer I lost twenty pounds. It was MAGICAL AND I WILL NEVER FORGET IT.
You see, I’ve set the bar to a level I’ll probably never reach again and that inability to regain that amount of self control and discipline and the elation of stepping on the scale each morning has been slowly eating away at my chubby soul for almost ten years now.
The fact that I KNOW what will work and yet can’t manage to DO it is the worst part.
So I’ve made half-assed attempts for many years. Sometimes I’ll exercise. Sometimes I’ll eat less than 1,500 calories a day. Sometimes I’ll try to do both.
I did The Bar Method. I’ve had personal trainers. I ran five miles on the treadmill five days a week. I’ve done classes like Werq. I tried yoga. I rotated between the stair climber and the elliptical machine. I swam. I bouldered. I ran a 5K.
But it never lasted. I was semi-successful about six years ago, but still didn’t get down to my dumb, elusive, probably impossible to reach again, “goal weight.”
Anyway, after I joined the Fat Heauxs FB page to stalk them while they did their 30 day challenge, I realized that even though I have a gym membership, it’s in my office building and I work from home a lot or am on the road. I couldn’t get in as much gym time as I wanted for my 30 day challenge. So, I broke down and bought an exercise bike.
Since December 19th I’ve logged over 400 miles.
I’m proud to say I can now ride 10 miles in less than forty minutes. I don’t know if that’s good, but it sounds like it is?
It kills me that the scale hasn’t moved and lately I can’t bring myself to get back on knowing it hasn’t done anything. Articles telling me maybe cycling isn’t the “right” exercise for me. Facing the fact that aging ain’t doing me any favors in the metabolism department.
On top of this, I’ve trying a more whole foods diet, avoiding processed foods, added sugars and even quit caffeine. But I’ve messed up PLENTY of times, including many-a doughnut binge and lunch at McDonald’s.
I had tea with my friend who is doing Orange Theory and recommended Nom Nom Paleo’s second cookbook. Then admonished herself for talking so much about her eating habits even though I had straight up asked her.
I told her this is just what we DO. Tell each other what we had for breakfast, if we got in our eight glasses of water, that we made it to the gym. At this point it’s more to help one another than brag because we admit we feel bad ourselves while knowing what utter bullshit it is. Plus all of us who are partnered aren’t exactly fighting over some stupid dude.
I’d love a day where I just didn’t think about it at all. Didn’t think about the food, the weight, my clothing size, calories, fat, sugar, ingredients, carbs, working out, not working out, cardio or weightlifting, yoga or HIIT, cheese or no cheese, what’s for breakfast, what’s for lunch, what’s for dinner, what to snack on, can I have dessert, why does trail mix have so many calories?
Just. One. Fucking. Day.