Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



The most surprising thing to come out of the final two superfluous hours of virtual Bachelor waterboarding is that Arie and Lauren talk on the phone for three hours every day.


It’s mystifying to think about what these two could possibly fill THREE HOURS of time with. But here are some ideas anyway:

  • Arie talks about himself and Lauren says "wow"
  • Chris Harrison's sex life
  • how to use Snapchat filters
  • international human rights
  • Downton Abbey
  • what Lauren likes on her salad (no croutons or cheese or dressing, just lettuce basically)
  • the soothing properties of lavender
  • Trumps border wall (they're pro)
  • Arie talks about himself and Lauren says "wow"

I will say, they're a good looking, photogenic, white as hell couple, and this is the most animated I've ever seen from Lauren in the three thousand hours I watched this season, so hey, maybe it's the real thing.


So look, I can't possibly give you a play by play about what was said on Chris Harrison's couch because it was boring as shit. But here's what I know for sure: Arie is a dick. SURPRISE! He totally slid into Lauren's DMs to get back together with her while still engaged to Becca and like, let's be real, all the ways they try to downplay it with Arie having to be sure to justify the risk and love blah blah is all a bunch of phooey. He cheated on his finance and set up a new relationship before he dumped her on national television. OK then. So he goes over to Lauren's house and says he's "a thousand percent" over Becca (ouch!) and his heart is with Lauren. She says she forgives him! He’s like, I want you back and she’s like, "Well you got me, duh!" EXACT QUOTE. DUH! And then she's like, but I want to be engaged soon and then I know we're going to get an Arie and Lauren redemption plot and see them get engaged on the Bachelor stage, barf.

But here's the thing that still mystifies me—why'd he choose Becca in the first place? I understand all the reasons they've given us—she'd be a good wife and mother, she was confident in their relationship and a safe choice. But still something is missing here, something real about Arie and his psychology. His parents told him to, so he did? He's a masochist? Or he really just thought Lauren was going to say no? But why would he have thought that, we watched forty five minutes of her sitting on his lap telling him she loved him, making out with him, and talking about walking dogs and being boring as hell? It's all very strange.

Here's the other thing I want to know—how much boning went on? Don't you want to be Becca's best girlfriend and know all about the Arie boning and how bad it was and did he cry?

Becca, on the other hand, has come out of this mess a national hero and the next Bachelorette! Has any Bachelorette ever been more beloved going into her season? Chris thanks her for trusting the show with her heart again (LOL) and I'm praying they find some decent dudes for her, because she's one of us, ya know? She's a cool chick and I would totally go to the Olive Garden with her.

Here's the rest of the important stuff:

  • Lauren thinks Arie is brave and honest. And he couldn’t have gone about this in a more respectful way. Maybe Lauren is highly medicated?
  • Lauren tells us that the producers wouldn't give him her phone number which I think is actually quite shocking, don't you??? Me thinks they would've if he'd do that shit on camera but he was like, I gots to be on the DL here because I'm a shady bastard.
  • Young Bekah says, "I hope Lauren escapes this asshole immediately," with the sort of certainty that only a 22 year old can have and when's this little muffin gonna get her own spin off? She's too young for marriage but I mean basically we're prepared to watch Young Bekah do her laundry at this point.
  • Discarded sister wives pile onto the couch and yell at Chris Harrison "We're not awkward, you're awkward!"
  • Who cares about Jason and Molly? Tho an entire book could be written about Molly’s botox. THOSE EYEBROWS GIRL.
  • When Arie and Lauren get engaged, Chris is like, I didn’t see that coming! HAHAHAH what a dick!
  • Becca rides out on a horse because she’s back on her horse.

We survived it, y'all. I wasn't sure we would, but we did. See you MAY 28th!!