Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



As the resident exotic Peruvian Heaux, I approached this week’s episode of The Bachelor with the utmost responsibility and a tremendous sense of gravitas. Every Peruvian would have probably done the same, but I carry with me the burden of historical legacy. My roots in the country run deep, stemming from hundreds—nay, thousands of years. My family has forged the nation in ways big and small; a long line of statesman, veterans, rebel rousers, and national thinkers precede me. As a little girl, my grandfather, who had been the Commander of the National Navy, used to turn on the TV at the butt crack of dawn to sing the national anthem, which was played before any show hit the airwaves. Since I used to be the only one up that early, he urged me to do the same, instilling a sense of pride for my native land. I was brought up to believe I should come to the defense of my country whenever it was under attack and to the best of my abilities. After all, others had sacrificed so much for it already.

That time has now come.

There are certain moments from The Bachelor that made my heart swell with joy. The sweeping landscapes are filmed beautifully, the desert dunes glisten in their majestic beauty, and don’t you dare think for a second that I didn’t squeal when I saw the cute sea lion sleeping on a Pacific boulder. For the most part, though, I wanted to throw an ancient tumi into my television screen. There’s not enough pisco shots in the world to get me through this and, dammit, I already downed the one bottle I brought back from Lima.

Here are all the moments that made me scream, “concha su madre.”

1. The inexplicably long geography lesson Arie was forced to do at the beginning of the show.

Come on, dudes. The franchise has been to Vietnam, Croatia, St. Lucia, Fiji and the freaking Badlands. Not once do I remember map graphics and a 15-minute long description of the many ecosystems that comprise the country. I still have no idea where North Dakota is and neither does the rest of the world. But Peru? The third-largest country in South America? If you’re basic enough to request Peru as your romantic destination, Peru is basic enough for you to know where it is. (Also, this means Peru is now a basic destination. RIP all the street cred I had.)

2. Arie saying he can see himself falling in love in Peru.

The most romantic thing that ever happened to me in Peru was drinking boxed wine on a guy’s rooftop while he mansplained Cesar Vallejo to me as shitty jazz played in the background. Uh, I definitely did not see myself falling in love in Peru, so I’m particularly salty about this statement.

3. Arie poking around the food on his dish, saying he can’t trust it.

Bitch, you’re in the number one culinary destination of the FREAKING WORLD. And that’s not me declaring it; it’s been named as such by the World Travel Awards (it’s a thing) for SIX consecutive years. I could even understand his trepidation if he had roasted guinea pig staring back at him, but this was the least offensive plate of wontons and dumplings the Inca gods had evert laid eyes on. It’s stuff you can get in whatever Arizona strip mall is close to his house except a thousand times better because everything Peruvians cook is automatically tastier.

4. The almost violent use of panflutes.

Were there synthesizers too? I swear I heard a Diplo beat drop in the middle of the Andean cacophony.

5. Lauren barely emoting when they flew over the Nazca lines.

Ok, I get that her being a complete blank slate on which Arie can project all his fantasies is the reason why he likes Lauren, but GIRL. You are seeing a legit historical mystery, an almost miraculous feat of human artistry and engineering, and you couldn’t bring yourself to move even a cell of your facial nervous system. Her MAGA-loving family probably told her that brown people are only good for landscaping, and maybe that’s all she saw in the desert: some really great landscaping. She bets Jesús can do it back home if she throws in an extra $20.

6. The flock of birds during Becca and Arie’s date deserve better than a shitty romance.

I have zero shame in saying that guano AKA bird poop was our number one export in the 19th Century. They helped build this country! Those birds should be treated with respect. There was no reason they needed to be the backdrop of some contrived relationship that will implode next week. Remember, Caroline knows what Arie did.

7. Where the fuck is the pisco?

All I see is wine and, if it’s Peruvian wine, they might as well be drinking grape juice mixed with Nyquil. Give these kids a strong pisco sour! At the very least a chilcano. Stop trying to impose your Eurocentric-imperialistic standards of romance.

8. The producers pretending that Beefy Ross magically appeared in freaking Ica.

Let’s put it this way: what are the chances of my Peruvian ex-boyfriend showing up out of the blue in Eugene, Oregon to ask me back without the help of social media or a handy snitch? Exactly. That’s how implausible it is to think that Beefy Ross just happened to stumble into Paracas in the creepy search for his ex. 

9. Beefy Ross Acting as if his Voyage to Peru Was on Par with that of Francisco Pizarro or Some Shit.

The guy talks about swimming the ocean, walking the desert, riding a llama, sacrificing a jabali, doing a ceremonial cleansing with ayahuasca, going on the Inca trail, climbing up Salcantay, getting lost in the catacombs, camping in Choquequirao, fishing for pink dolphins in the Amazon, and jumping over the Colca Canyon. Like, chill. The most you did was endure a 2-hour layover in Miami.

10.  The presence of horses in the most dramatic moment in Bachelor history.

Contrary to popular belief, we do not have horses lying around every time we want to break up with a boyfriend/girlfriend. At best, we have the noise of 3,568 cars trying to beat rush hour, drowning out our words and filling our lungs with fumes, making an already awkward situation even more awkward as we keep yelling, “¿qué? ¿qué? ¿qué?”

Dear lord, if they already managed to create this much damage, how will they deface Machu Picchu? Stay tuned next week!