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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

ICH BIN EIN BEVERLY-HILLER (RHOBH RECAP)

ICH BIN EIN BEVERLY-HILLER (RHOBH RECAP)

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are trading in their Chanel for Lederhosen and heading out on a luxury vacation to Berlin. But first, more dog tragedy. In the span of a week, Lisa VP and Ken grieved the deaths of both the poorly named Pink Dog and the poorly name Pikachu. We can’t choose when our pets leave us but we can choose to name them more respectable names. Let that be the lesson we take from this dark time. Lisa is also preparing to premiere her documentary, The Road to Yulin, about a dog meat festival in China that pedals in pet kidnapping and torture. These macabre pet storylines are NOT why I tune into Bravo, so take note Andy Cohen, as I’m sure you’re reading this.

In less stomach-turning plot lines, Lisa R and Dorit head over to Erika’s house so that Erika can show them a life size cardboard cutout of her avatar for the Kim Kardashian game. The crossover no one asked for but we all deserve.

In preparation for the big trip to Germany, Teddy makes a childcare list for her husband that he won’t follow. Dorit views samples from her swim line, which look like American Apparel Bargain Bin. The ladies attend the world premiere of The Road to Yulin. Everyone weeps and can’t believe such cruelty exists in the world. Maybe they forgot about Brandi Glanville.

Then, as a palate cleanser, we get treated to a #RHOBH old faithful: The Packing-for-a-Trip Montage. Erika’s outfits are very dominatrix-heavy and she enlightens us with hot tips about applying lube and baby powder when wearing latex. Dorit is getting sick but still manages to pack individually-wrapped outfits, equipped with polaroids of each outfits so she remembers to put the shirts on her head and the pants on her legs. As Lisa VP inventories her 200 pairs of shoes, she admits that Berlin will be harder for her than the other women because her beloved grandmother, Nanny K, lived through the German bombing of England. Oddly deep. Back to the shoes.

Then it’s a quick first-class klonopin-filled plane ride over to Deutschland where the ladies check in at a luxury hotel with stunning views and impeccable service and no one is complaining which is a miracle. Dorit sees a hotel medic for her sickness and it turned out she just mixed a bunch of medicines, which is why she’s so sick. How is this person allowed to test drive Bugattis?

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The other ladies meet for drinks and Lisa VP tells Lisa R she seems less engaged with the group, meaning she’s not around as much this year but also that she’s not starting as much shit this year. Who is Lisa VP supposed to war with if Rinna is not spouting off hateful rumors? Then Kyle forgets Lisa VP’s granny’s name (Nanny K) and Lisa VP is offended. I’d hardly call this a betrayal let along good TV. If forgetting about Nanny K is the drama this season, someone needs to bring back some psychotic psychic ASAP to mix things up and hurt everyone’s feelings. That’s the stuff that makes good television. And I grow stronger on the tears of sad housewives.

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A NOSE RING LIKE TUPAC (RHOA RECAP)

A NOSE RING LIKE TUPAC (RHOA RECAP)

SO TUCKING GOOD (UNTUCKED RECAP)

SO TUCKING GOOD (UNTUCKED RECAP)