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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

A NOSE RING LIKE TUPAC (RHOA RECAP)

A NOSE RING LIKE TUPAC (RHOA RECAP)

Porsha goes roller skating with Rickey Smiley because no one wants to film with her and she needs to pretend to date someone. Rickey is getting almost as much air time as Will this season - is he going to be on the reunion?

Porsha explains that she hasn’t roller skated since she was 18 and the producers show us the lie by cutting to footage of her skating four years ago. Then Porsha falls down in such a great way that I watched it four times.

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And then Rickey does CPR on her ass.

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And - how old is Ricky? He looks to be about 60 I swear. I looked up his age and it’s only 49 which is fine but then I accidentally found out that his real name is Broderick and I am SHOOK. Point it: unless they start banging for real I find this all very boring.

Cut to – The Bailey Agency which continues to, for some reason, exist. Kenya shows up looking like she just came from a Catholic school girl role play. She tells Cynthia that it’s hard being a wife and I’ve been a wife for 8 years like, it’s not that hard. It’s just like being not a wife only you get to do ½ as many chores. Kenya says it’s hard because she’s trying to do business but then Flat Baby Marc will call her and want to talk and she’ll want to get him off the phone and get back to business but she can’t let him know that because if she ever hurts his fragile man feelings even once he’ll disappear in a puff of divorce smoke.

Kandi Factory! Kandi tells Don Juan that she’s buying the building across the street which is a recycling plant. Don Juan is beside himself because there goes his 40 minutes of sleep a night. He’s like, “Please don’t do this to me,” just begging her and Todd not to for purely humanitarian reasons, but Kandi and Todd are like, “Whatever whatever I do what I want.”

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Kandi tells Todd and Don Juan about the NeNe being kicked off the Xscape tour thing and they all agree that jokes don’t count and rape is hilarious and NeNe shouldn’t be responsible for what she says so that’s the level of the room. I think this all boils down to the fact that Kandi is really enjoying having NeNe not hate her fucking guts and she wants to stay tucked into that good place. Todd says that Donald Trump can say that he grabs pussy but NeNe can’t say a simple joke and like BACK AWAY FROM THAT ARGUMENT.

Chateau Shereé! They are doing work on her basement and it’s not going to be done on time and like no shit. If it’s done within five years of her estimated date I’ll be shocked. It does look nice, though. 

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Shereé says it’s going to be the place for the party where people will come over but instead of having them sit on her fancy upstairs furniture she’ll take them downstairs to chill on her Ikea furniture at a fraction of the price. And that makes no sense at all unless she rented the upstairs furniture and is charged per ass cheek that touches it.

Tyrone calls and Shereé tells him that she is working on the basement for him. So I guess he’s moving out of jail and into the Chateau. Tyrone said that he’ll handle paying for the Stairmaster for their basement workout room and the cost of the beach house they’re getting and do I not understand how jail works how  is he going to afford all that? Also, they’re going to get married and please, Shereé, pump the breaks. Maybe make sure he can stay out of jail for a year or two first?

NeNe’s house. She goes into her basement with its beige pool table and gray pool balls to ask Brent about what he’s going to do with his life.

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His answer is, basically, “Spend your money,” only he says it like, “Be a stand-up comic.” In order to be a stand-up comic don’t you have to be…funny? Or interesting? Or have some discernible personality? Brent says he doesn’t want to go to school so stand-up is his best option. What is it with these Real Housewives kids thinking that they have to do all this public shit? We aren’t all models, we aren’t all stand-ups, most of us are customer service reps at best and that’s OK. For real, though, I would pay money to watch 30 seconds of Brent’s stand up but then I’d like cry myself to sleep, I’m sure it’s so fucking bleak. But NeNe is on board so Brent is going to just follow his mom on tour and get a check and I’m actually not mad, I’m impressed.

Noelle is interning for a dentist who is actually a fancy dentist with a fancy ass name that I don’t care to Google for the proper spelling. Cynthia shows up with lunch and I’m sure that Noelle is dead from embarrassment inside of her face. I’m just so relieved that Noelle isn’t trying to go into modeling like, pursuing a real occupation, it’s such a breath of fresh.

Kenya is doing a screening of her domestic violence PSA and to get ready she’s giving victims of domestic violence makeovers and like - great? But also what? That is really nice and also more about you than them and also not helpful? I’m sorry, but you should give victims of domestic violence housing assistance or free childcare or like a fucking scholarship or free counseling or something that will resonate beyond a single moment/evening/TV episode.

Whatever - we have a fashion show and then we do free hair which isn’t really free because while they’re getting prettified they also have to share their abuse horror stories on camera. Kenya says that she selected abusive men over and over again until she met her husband and OMG he is abusive as fuck you are still doing it you haven’t stopped doing it yet get a therapist right now please. Kenya gives a speech to the women, who are now all wearing waaaay too much foundation, and gives them champagne in plastic purple glasses and it’s all so ugh. I’m a hater - this isn’t nice, it’s an empty gesture and it’s gross.

Shereé makes breakfast for her daughter, Callie, who is a vegetarian and wants a hardboiled egg. Do I not understand what vegetarian means? Callie says that she went through her party stage in high school so now she’s not interested in partying and Shereé is like “OK” but I would receive that information like “THE FUCK?” She tells her daughter about Tyrone and tells her that he’s in prison and Callie calls him jail bait so I guess she just really doesn’t know what words mean.

Kenya’s PSA screening! The women who received makeovers earlier are there in lighting that makes their makeup look way less garish, so that’s something. Kenya shows up in her favorite type of look which is both titties trying to escape.

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Shereé asks if Flat Baby Marc is going to show up and Kenya says no because now that he’s married he’s unable to book a plane ticket on his own. The lies THE LIES.

Kenya does what she loves to do the most which is to talk on a microphone to a room full of people and say absolutely nothing of any substance. And then the door opens and a man walks in and I guess it’s supposed to be Flat Baby Marc wow oh wow it’s like a really boring dream.

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And Kenya immediately starts blowing smoke up his ass and calling him her knight in shining armor and yes girl, that’s the way, be sure to take time out of introducing your domestic violence PSA to publicly compliment your current abuser.

They show the PSA and I can’t say anything shitty about it because it’s legit moving. Afters, Flat Baby Marc gives Kenya a very stiff one-armed hug and then he gives Cynthia a super warm two-armed hug so he’s done, he’s over it, marriage over, see you in divorce court.

The women all meet Flat Baby Marc and discover that he has a tiny nose piercing and Shereé HATES it.

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A producer asks NeNe if Kenya and Flat Baby Marc appear to be truly in love and NeNe says, in a moment of pure truth brilliance, “Kenya appears to be truly in love.” THERE IT IS.

Next week is the finale which will take place at a Halloween costume party so we’re going to see people screaming and crying through zombie makeup. I CAN’T WAIT.

REFLECTIONS ON ROSEANNE

REFLECTIONS ON ROSEANNE

ICH BIN EIN BEVERLY-HILLER (RHOBH RECAP)

ICH BIN EIN BEVERLY-HILLER (RHOBH RECAP)