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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

PAPA GOD (RHOBH RECAP)

PAPA GOD (RHOBH RECAP)

This episode of #RHOBH is a beautiful meditation on love, loss, and those psychics who use technology to telephone god to talk to your loved one. Very Malibu.

Lisa Rinna is feeling wistful. Her mother Lois, 89, is visiting and she knows she doesn’t have much more time with her. Lois is a firecracker who loves to laugh and drink and Lisa treats her like an adorable prop but it’s nice to see some form of real familial connection among all this botox and silicone.

Lisa Vanderpump is grieving. One of her dozen dogs, Pink Dog, died suddenly of a heart attack and Ken and she are heartbroken. Awkwardly, the producers seem to be cutting between this storyline and the storyline of Lisa Rinna’s aging mother with alarming frequency. Yes, a dead dog is very sad, but an old mom is not a dead dog and linking the storylines is both deeply offensive and also very Malibu--where people love their designer dogs more than their mothers. Also, what lazy-ass name is Pink Dog? They named it that because they dyed it pink.

Erika is speaking at a female empowerment event, which is ironic, since she’s spent most of her time on RHOBH calling women petty bitches.

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Mikey, her indentured stylist, explains that the event will feature guests representing all the new young hip women, including Kimora Lee Simmons and Tyra Banks. Someone tell Mikey he’s been frozen in 1997. Like Encino Man meets Spice World. Erika is excited to show young women that they have a choice and possibilities, like marrying a 900 year-old millionaire. At the event, Erika tells all the attendees that she raises women up and stays out of drama, which is such a load of crap, but crap covered in diamonds, wrapped in cash. Very Malibu.

Lisa R hosts a luncheon in honor of her mom and Dorit shows up and monopolizes the conversation. That’s precious time that Lisa and Lois can never get back now. And Dorit’s droning probably shaved a few months off of poor Lois’ life. I know it aged me a decade.

Finally, Kyle is hosting a seance in her home as a way to say goodbye to this new-ish house before she moves into a newer house. A psychic named Rebecca is leading the seance. Rebecca tells all the ladies that she receives phone calls from heaven on her telephone. Rebecca calls God “Papa God.” Rebecca is a whack job. Every psychic on every Real Housewives franchise has been a whack job. I’m no psychic expert but if I were a psychic, I’d be really ornery that my people were being represented like snake oil salesmen that prey on the insecurities and bank accounts of the uber wealthy and deeply vapid. Surely there’s some psychics that are in it to do good, right? Anyone? No? Oh.

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The psychic says Erika has strong psychic ability. Erika agrees and launches into a diatribe about having a past life as a Spanish boy who was kidnapped and saved and became a Spanish prince. Also, Rebecca confirms that Marilyn Monroe and John Lennon are at this seance because apparently when you die ultra-famous, you only want to hang out with D-listers.

As the seance concludes, Erika apologizes to Teddi for blowing up at her last week and invites all the women to Berlin. They all declare that they’ll go and drink lots of beer. Which is also a load of crap. Wrapped in body dysmorphia. Very Malibu.

WHO THE FFFF YOU CUSSING AT (RHOA RECAP)

WHO THE FFFF YOU CUSSING AT (RHOA RECAP)

MAKE YOUR OWN TROOP BEVERLY HILLS COSTUME

MAKE YOUR OWN TROOP BEVERLY HILLS COSTUME