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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

WHO THE FFFF YOU CUSSING AT (RHOA RECAP)

WHO THE FFFF YOU CUSSING AT (RHOA RECAP)

We’re no longer in Barcelona plus we get Ace right away! I got a good feeling about this episode.

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Mama Joyce comes over to find out what happened in Barcelona. Blah blah blah rehash but meanwhile Ace is trying to poke Mama Joyce with a straw and I just want to watch that show.

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Kandi talks about Porsha leaving Spain early because everyone hates her lying ass and Mama Joyce confesses to meeting with Porsha. Mama Joyce thinks that Phaedra is the devil and somehow dickmatized Porsha into saying lies.

Porsha and Lauren go out to lunch and order all of the food. Porsah tells Lauren that NeNe was nice to her before she left Barcelona and that it was goddamn shocking for all of us.

Kim drives herself to Shereé’s and you can knock my ass over with a feather is Kroy in traction what is going on? She and Shereé sit down and drink wine out of solo cups even though there are glasses like right there.

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Meanwhile, at NeNe’s it is asymmetrical caftan city.

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Brent and the yellowest shirt that ever yellowed joins his parents on the couch and we find out that NeNe called Kim’s family racist trash on Instagram. I guess it was Brent who invited Brielle to come over during the don’t forget about seafood white party which was when the whole bathroom bug Snapchat thing happened. So it’s Brent’s fault! Brent confirms but in such a mumbly way that it requires subtitles.

Back at Shereé’s, Kim says that since NeNe called her racist she’s had people show up at her house and she’s had to hire security. Kim is SO FUCKING OFFENDED at being called racist and I understand it’s not a great thing to be called but also calling a white person racist is like calling a fish wet. I don’t understand why people lose their goddamn minds over being called something that every single person is. Your culture is racist, your society is racist, your institutions are racist, and therefore you, yes you my dear Kim Z + fam, are also racist. Does that mean you’re a terrible garbage person? Yes, but for reasons unrelated to the systemic racism that we all breathe like air. You’re a terrible garbage person because you’re a pathological liar who refuses to talk to her parents. But like, chill out on being soooo offended. Your lips are fake, you’re a racist, you drink too much. These are things that ARE.

Kim goes on to say that her whole family doesn’t see color because she’s permanently stuck in 1996. Like, great, fine, perfect, your eyes cannot perceive melanin but then that means that you also gloss over thousands of years of active systemic evil ass racism that benefitted your ancestors and caused unending suffering for people who do, no matter whether you are willing to admit it or not, have brown skin. You better see color because otherwise you’re dumber than you look and girl, that’s saying a lot because you look real dumb.

BACK TO THE SHOW.

Brent says that he could kill a bug and NeNe laughs in his face.

Cynthia with some very cute short hair goes to pick up Will to take him to the airport.

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Now, taking someone to the airport is some girlfriend shit - wait until you make it official before you do things that Uber should be doing. Cynthia calls Marlo and they talk about how NeNe just got booed off stage after saying that she hopes a heckler in the audience gets raped. Come on NeNe, you’re better than Tosh.0. You can drop someone verbally in two seconds in a way that won’t also get you fired. I believe in you.

Cynthia picks up Will and they share a kiss that shows that they are not in any way dating.

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Shereé meets with Kandi to get some juice and talk about the only thing that Shereé wants to talk about, which is NeNe. Kandi says that she is trying to maintain peace with NeNe and doesn’t think that the rape comment was that big of a deal and that it would have blown over, but the other people on the tour wanted NeNe gone. Shereé is like since when do you not freak out over rape comments.

Marlo and Cynthia come over to NeNe’s and Gregg steals some cupcake icing real quick before they show. NeNe cried on Instagram and Cynthia is like, “Are you crying because Kim served you with papers, or because you got ridiculed for saying someone should get raped, or because you got kicked off the Xcsape tour?” I think the answer is “Yes.”

NeNe says that she burned up Kim’s “cease and let it go” letter with a lighter. NeNe feels bad about what she said to the heckler and I think she’s actually mad at herself and this is like some growth here. I mean, don’t tell people to go get raped, but like it’s been 10 seasons and way to finally notice that you crossed a line.

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Kandi meets Kim for lunch and Kim is late AF. Like, HOURS LATE. Teddi would be hyperventilating, that’s how late Kim is. Kroy drops off Kim on his way to Costco I’m sorry I love that man he’s like perfect except for his taste in women. Kim says that Kandi cost her over $40K in lawyers for Don’t Be Tardy but she’s over that.

Kandi mentions that Kim is like psychotic about her husband and Kim gets very offended at Kandi noticing that Kroy is always in the parking lot. Kim touches her hair a lot and says that everyone is jealous of her and Kroy. Kandi tries to explain that it’s weird because it’s like Kim never is really there, she’s always 30 seconds from leaving. And here’s a new theory – I thinkt hat Kim is like full-on agoraphobic and the Kroy parking lot and the wine Solo cup things are her ways of dealing it. Then Kim makes the mistake of casually cussing at Kandi while making her point and Kandi goes full on I’m about to cry because of all the energy it’s taking me not to choke you right now shaky voice mad.

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Then they start talking about their kids and calm down? Sure, whatever. Kandi explains the racist overtones of saying someone has roaches in their home and Kim just moves on, which is what she does whenever you land a point. So then they talk about Don’t Be Tardy and make up? I did not see that shit coming.

IT'S SEASON X, BITCH (RPDR RECAP)

IT'S SEASON X, BITCH (RPDR RECAP)

PAPA GOD (RHOBH RECAP)

PAPA GOD (RHOBH RECAP)