10 BACHELOR MOMENTS THAT STAINED PERU'S REPUTATION: CUSCO EDITION
Fellow Heauxs, I am shooketh! I’m more shook than Atahualpa being captured by Pizarro’s forces! More shook than Huascar ordered to be executed by his own brother! More shook than Pizarro witnessing his own eyes a room full of gold and silver! (If you don’t understand any of these references, get yourself some books on the political infighting that led to the fall of the Inca Empire, for it is fa-sci-na-ting.) It’s taken me an entire week to recover. The Bachelor finale was all sorts of wrong, and I’m not even talking about Arie’s refusal to leave Becca alone after he humiliated her on national television. My indignation stems from the fact that even more attack were thrown against my great nation:
1. Arie saying “This is how I pictured Peru—Alpacas!”
Why, yes, lord forbid you actually take in the diversity of a country instead of reducing it to its most clichéd representation. I hope a llama spit in his face, because he strikes me as the type that couldn’t tell the difference between the two.
2. The sad plate of lomo saltado in Lauren’s meet n’ greet with the Luyendyk’s.
I’m sure the lomo saltado was actually exquisite, because we’ve already determined that Peru’s culinary superiority is simply a statement of fact. Yet, I’m offended because it wasn’t my mom’s lomo saltado AKA the best lomo saltado ever cooked AKA the best dish that exists on Earth. Therefore, I do not recognize this lomo saltado as representative of the platonic ideal.
3. The hours and hours of interior shots we had to suffer through while the ladies met Arie’s parents.
This hotel used to be a colonial convent. Even the 16th-Century nuns were less confined than this group of people. And they for sure had less of a stick up their butts.
4. Giving the Machu Picchu date to Lauren instead of Becca.
I realize that literally taking this very beautiful cardboard cutout of a woman to one of the Seven Wonders of the World was the only way to elicit any emotion out of her, but god damn. You just know Becca would have appreciated every little architectural detail, massive feat of engineering, the mind-blowing Andes Mountains that finally make you a true believer of God’s almighty power. Lauren’s take? “No way,” in a barely audible vocal fry.
5. Limiting the Shots of the Actual Incan Empire
This is my opportunity to say it once and for all: MACHU PICCHU WAS NOT THE SEAT OF THE INCAN EMPIRE. CUSCO, THAT COBBLESTONED CITY YOU SAW FOR ALL OF 2 SECONDS, WAS. IT’S THE OLDEST CONTINOUSLY INHABITED CITY IN THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE. YOU CAN LITERALLY TOUCH BUILDINGS THAT WERE TOUCHED BY ATAHUALPA AND MAYBE CATCH SOME OF HIS GERMS. End rant.
6. The producers forgetting to check the actual weather in the region.
I bet my entire fortune that the producers saw South American destination and immediately assumed an entire, freaking continent would have tropical sunshine year-round. They, like many before them, assumed wrong. Hope you enjoyed standing around with your cameras during the torrential downpours.
7. The almost-violent absence of pan flutes
Would have infinitely preferred to listen to some pan flute mania than that excruciatingly painful rendition of a Shania Twain song.
8. The presence of llamas in the most WTF-moment in Bachelor history
Never trust a man who says he loves you while he’s breaking up with you. Or who dates 25 other women. Or who seems to have a strong preference for women that are at least a decade-younger than him. Or who…
9. Having my entire country overshadowed by Arie’s fuckboi behavior.
Arie, this could all have been avoided if you had simply accepted that, deep down inside, you simply want a partner who will silently stare at you.
10. Having my entire country overshadowed by the worst season of The Bachelor.
Hey, at least I get my street cred back. There’s no way Becky is going to head there knowing that it has been cursed by Becca’s shattered dreams.