Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



That just happened. We see the return of the Handmaids/eliminated queens and a potential champion straight up Katniss-ed herself out of the running. And here I thought The Hunger Games weren’t relevant anymore.

We return to the mainstage, where OfRuPauls Alaska and Chad have gathered three handmaids. Surprise, surprise, it’s Morgan, Chi Chi, and Aja, but they introduce themselves as OfBendelacreme, OfBendelacreme and OfShangela, and OfBebe. Ru is displeased, and then Thorgy and Milk run on stage and introduce themselves as OfShangela (Thorgy lets that drip with hatred, because she is a terrible, no good, very bad person) and OfKennedy. It is a known fact that I love The Handmaid’s Tale and it is my beat here on Heauxs, but I don’t like this all that much. I can’t even put my finger on why, I just don’t like it. Anyway, the girls are back for their revenge.

After the elimination, Trixie pulls Aja from her tit and we have yet another conversation about track record. Guess what: Kennedy is the worst and she DOES. NOT. BELIEVE. in using track records to send girls home. YEAH: BECAUSE NOW SHE HAS THE WORST TRACK RECORD. Shangela feels so good and validated by the choice that shows that both Trixie and Bebe respect her talent. Good for you, gurl!

Everybody’s so happy to enter the workroom. I really hope nothing shocking happens to upset the delicate equilibrium! Ru comes in to tell them about the challenge, the Kitty Girl supergroup. The girls will be creating a look/persona and write lyrics. Yay! everyone says. BUT HOLD UP: these nasty bitches are coming back. Aforementioned nasty bitches enter the workroom and I’m reminded how little I like most of them. I’m happy to see Aja, and of course I love Chi Chi, but puke barf puke at the rest. Ru lays out the twist: the eliminated queens will form their own supergroup and compete against our girls. Just like last All Stars, one girl will go home and one eliminated girl comes back. Yay….?

Welcome to RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars 3 Festivus Airing of Grievances ceremony! I hope you like confrontation, because if you don’t, you’re going to feel like this is ten minutes of hell.

Round One: Thorgy v Shangela v Trixie

Thorgy airs it all out and comes off, somehow, even worse than she did the first time. She’s actively de-evolving before our eyes! She attacks everyone and tells Trixie to not “shush” her. She’s v betrayed by everything and everyone: she shouldn’t have been the bottom, Shangela shouldn’t have sent her home, her mirror dick drawing was a JOKE, Trixie shouldn’t have hung her note. Shangela is not afraid of confrontation, but Trixie looks for real shamed by the whole note debacle. Call Brene Brown! Thorgy manages to make Shangela (WHO TOSSED A DRINK ON A BITCH IN UNTUCKED) seem as reasonable as President Barack Obama. Thorgy wants closure but she is, in fact, the herstoric worst. At least she doesn’t talk about Bob the Drag Queen at all!

Round Two: Ben v Morgan

Morgan looks like she blew all the rails in Hollywood, CA. I mean, she looks like she’s been ridden hard and put away wet. She loves conflict and she’s coming for Ben. To be honest, she’s not wrong about Ben sending her home being hypocritical, because Chi Chi was pretty fucking bad and probably should have gone home. But, let’s be clear, Morgan: SHE ELIMINATED YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING TRASH SACK AND A FOOL. Ben goes far far away from all of this. She goes to her Xanax place. I wish I could join her.

Round Three: Aja v Bebe

Aja is burnt because Bebe didn’t acknowledge Aja’s help with the sewing and cut her off when she was pleading her case. Then Bebe cuts her off and uses just the most hand gestures. In her cutaway, Thorgy is a poisonous bitch.

Round Four: Milk v Kennedy

Milk wants to know why she was sent home, and the answer is KENNEDY HAS FEELINGS AND THEY ARE HURT. These two blah blah blah, and Chi Chi joins Ben in the Xanax place. People cry but I don’t understand why? Milk may be an asshole, she’s realizing just now! Just NOW? Okay gurl.

Nothing interesting or neat happens during the character creation round, except that Ben’s had it and she’s doing Goth Kitty. Everyone is a little concerned.

Into the recording studio we go. Adam Lambert sucks, and he’s borrowing from a piece from Queer Eye Karomo’s bejeweled bomber jacket collection. I want Todrick to look into souls, and not this George Michael looking motherfucker. But anyway, Aja is a true raptress. This is like Adore/Shea Coulee level drag rapping here. V impressive. Bebe just speaks French and then lays on the motherland. Trixie and Adam go to war. It maybe worse than Bob v Lucian Piane and Lorde. Trixie is not horny enough and does not have confidence in her falsetto. Also, there is like the real producer there and he’s not having it either.

Makeup / Make up time

Everyone makes up. Ben talks about compromising her personal ideals. FORESHADOWING.

Milk compares herself to Alexis Michelle, the worst, saying the other queens let her trot around acting like an asshole. She expects everyone to pay attention to her and mind her all the time because she is the voice of Radio White Privilege. I mean, don’t compare yourself to a herstorical privileged idiot! This fool.

The eliminated girls go first. We get Chi Chi’s Cajun Kitty in a silver jumpsuit and it is terrible. Morgan does Bimbo Kitty, sucks, and does twirls. Aja comes out as Lil Banjee and let me tell you, it is phenomenal. No shit, this was the best performance of the night. Thorgy is Cardio Kitty, but I thought she said Carbio Kitty, which shows where my head is at. Milk is Milky Kitty and she actually shows some of that old, ugly ass Milk drag we remember. She also sucks.

Next are the All Stars. Trixie is IQ Kitty, the horny nerd, and I find it perfect and adorable. Kennedy is Diva Kitty and she is having major wig problems in a flat, purple, banged bob. Ben is Goth Kitty as Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice but sluttier. Shangela is Sparkle Kitty, and I enjoyed the play between her and Ben. Bebe is Jungle Kitty in a leopard catsuit. It’s fine, great, whatever, yawn.

The All Star girls win, which means they will be judged. The winner gets to bring back one girl and sends a teammate home. The others are told to step to the back of the stage--Ru does some much of this “step up” “step back” shit that it begins to seem like RuPaul’s Square Dance. The judging is boring, and Ben and Bebe win, putting Shangela, Trixie, and Kennedy in the bottom. And really, of the three bottoms, Kennedy would seem to be the girl to send home, what with TRACK RECORD and all. Also, Aja should be the girl who returns, because she murdered the challenge. The one girl who knows she shouldn’t return is Chi Chi, who straight up tells the others not to save her.

But let’s get on with the show. We all know what happens. Bebe and Ben lipsync, and Bebe pulls her wig off, with no other wig, sparkles, or rose petals underneath, which is a good way to lose a lipsync. Ben wins, and she reveals she’s bringing back Morgan (puke barf puke). When asked who she is sending home, she pulls a titstick with her own name written in whiteout. Ben is taking herself out. GASP.

Some day, philosophers will study this moment. In a lot of ways, this is a litmus test of sorts. To me, this gesture is an extremely ethical one. Ben has resented being made to choose her sisters and eliminate them. She doesn’t want to be put in that place. And she did bear that burden more than any other girl, having won all but ONE challenge this season. She sees the system as corrupt, and her only choice is to right her wrong (having sent Morgan home in the first episode) and leave the show. She is willing to sacrifice herself in order to not be culpable in a rotten system.

In philosophy, there is an ethical thought experiment called the Trolley Problem. In this experiment, you’re asked to imagine that a trolley is speeding down the tracks, headed toward five unsuspecting workers. You can pull a switch and divert the trolley, sending it to hit one worker on a separate track. You can doom five or doom one, basically. The problem is a ridiculous one (although undergrads love the shit out of it and it was featured on the past season of The Good Place). Some will argue that the only ethical choice is to refuse to touch the switch, and others will instantly choose killing one worker instead of five. What Ben did here, I would argue, is think her way out of the problem by throwing herself on the track. She can leave the show with her conscious clean. She’s already won. Like I said at the beginning, she Katniss-es herself right out, and I support her.

I said earlier that this is a litmus test. As proof, I offer Thorgy’s disdain for the action in her cutaway. Thorgy is disgusted, thinks it’s a sham. The truth is that Thorgy is a very bad, mean, and petty person, and she can’t imagine having integrity. She instantly creates a whole set of ulterior motives behind Ben’s action. Meanwhile, Aja is shocked and hilariously calls her “BendelaChrist.” She’s not disgusted, but puzzled.

And then we have Ru. She seems shocked (although, to look behind the curtain, she knew exactly what Ben was doing with that Whiteout procured from a producer). Ru also comes across like a cruel gamemaster in the Hunger Games. Pitting sisters against sister is bad. All Star rules lead to corruption, increase cliquishness, and add a whole new level of stress to the psyches of the contestants. All Star rules sap the lipsyncs of their passion, and turn the bottom queens into helpless spectators who’s only recourse is to bow and scrape to the top girls. Drag is spectacle, sure. But it should also be about integrity. All Star rules are not about integrity, and even those who attempt to move through the system with integrity are besmirched. All Star rules give us Roxxxxxy Andrews in the top four.

Down with All Star rules! Sometimes the only way to fight a system is to refuse to participate in it! Down with All Star rules! Up with Bendelacreme!

*we will now return to your regular kiki gag werq death drop tongue pop programming*