NOOM DAY 4: THIS WILL NOT STAND
How has it only been four days?
My coach asked me some questions about what I’ve done well and what I want to work on. I wrote three texts about my struggles and have not heard back.
I bought an air popcorn popper on Amazon today because I really need to shove mass quantities of something in my mouth other than lettuce.
Tonight I managed to eat out and not sabotage anything, though I wanted to consume all of my kid’s leftover pizza and started to tell myself I could ride the exercise bike for an hour so I could eat a few pieces.
Unsurprisingly, I’m too tired to get on the bike and decided the pizza wasn’t worth it.
When I got home, I still had 233 calories to spare and started dreaming of all the things I could eat. Green foods be damned.
Cookies sounded amazing and I contemplated making some, but having to wait an hour and then have an entire batch just sitting in front of me was a terrible idea.
So I opted for a bowl of cereal.
It tasted like what I think heaven would taste like if heaven has a taste which it must.
Breakfast: Two whole grain toaster waffles and ½ cup of blueberries
Breakfast Snack: Homemade granola bar
Lunch: Vegetable stir fry with soba noodles
Lunch snack: ½ of a small McDonald’s strawberry banana smoothie and ½ cup of nonfat Greek yogurt
Dinner: Grilled asparagus and ¾ of a bunless, plain ass turkey burger
Dinner snack: 20 squares of Shredded mini wheats in ½ cup of unsweetened almond milk
I’m seven calories short of 1,200. But over my “red” food amount.
I cannot keep this up. There’s just no way. Every afternoon around 2 or 3 I start to die inside and that feeling lasts until I go to bed.
It doesn’t help that the scale did not budge this morning, plus I got my period. In my head I’m thinking I just got rid of the PMS bloat and this four pounds is nothing but smoke and mirrors.
On the other hand, the prospect of getting under 160 by next week is the one shred of motivation I have left. (I want to slap the 20-something Me who thought anything over 140 was a travesty.)
Also, the thought of looking semi-OK at our annual fundraising event at the beginning of May lingers in the background.
The last time I successfully lost weight was for my parents’ 40th anniversary party. I couldn’t bear the thought of looking bad in all of the photos. That’s when I was running an hour a day up to five days a week. I got down to a size six.
Obviously it didn’t last.
But, I do know that certain things keep me on track. I assume if I ever want to wear a wedding dress I’ll stop eating altogether.
Sorry, I shouldn’t joke about eating disorders. But the truth is, I know I suffer from one. Anyone who spends this much time obsessing over food and weight has issues. I’m definitely the binge/emotional type eater who loves to solve every problem or find a reason to celebrate literally anything by indulging in food.
This was surpassed by alcohol only once, that One Glorious Summer, when I was eating like a bird so I could drink more vodka.
It was then that I switched from tonic water to club soda and even now, while gin and tonics taste so much better, I typically opt for club soda because of the calories.
And here is where I start to have this internal debate about the meaning of life. No really, I mean it. What is the point of living if I can’t eat the things that taste good to me, eat them prepared how I like them? Why can’t I eat full fat cheese and real sugar and real butter and pie a la mode?
I suppose on the “real” food diet, I can. But that doesn’t solve my portion control and binging problem.
So here we are, back to Noom, which is trying to change how I THINK about food. But instead it’s sort of pissing me off with it’s tests and suggestions on food swapping.
Shut up, Noom.