YOU BETTER TAPE UP THOSE TITS AND CALL TYRONE (RHOA RECAP)
Barcelona! The ladies wave goodbye to the mildew murder villa as they head onto the bus. Cynthia premieres a new testimonial look that is trying to be Morticia Adams fabulous but is really just Wednesday Adams with a severe iron deficiency. I mean, she looks sallow AF.
On the bus, NeNe tells the ladies that Porsha has left the trip because they were all very mean to her for super good reasons. And NeNe is totally the voice of reason here and completely nice and rational and I don’t know what to do with this calm, sensical NeNe. But then NeNe says that the women are supporting Kandi in a way that they never supported her and THERE IT IS.
They check into their luxury hotel and they’re sharing suites and there are stairs and tubs and curved wooden railings and closets and bars and showers and bidets and the women are in absolute heaven.
At 1AM they order room service and Cynthia is wearing a new wig that is fucking terrible. Sorry to be going for Cynthia so much right now, but like these are the choices she is making.
Shereé chats with Tyrone while the women eat all of the seafood and decide to make Shereé do a late night Barcelona glamour shots. Marlo will style Shereé, Cynthia will be the creative director, Kandi will be the photographer, Eva will be the model mentor, NeNe will eat the calamari, and Shamea will let us forget that she’s there.
Meanwhile, on the phone, Shereé reenacts her favorite scene from Forest Gump by listing for Tyrone all of the shrimp she’s eaten in the past few days.
Kandi asks NeNe if she has worked out the whole Tyrone thing with Shereé and NeNe responds, “I am MARRIED to a MAN who is NOT TYRONE and as a MARRIED WOMAN I am OFFENDED that you said the name TYRONE and THAT IS ALL.” So, they totally fucked, right? NeNe goes on to list all the things that Tyrone is not – not her man, not her friend, not her cousin, not her facialist, not her mechanic, and not her bikini waxer.
Shereé joins the other woman and they propose the photo shoot and her response is no, no, absolutely not, that does not sound like a fun thing to do, I am not doing that thing.
But the women aren’t into #consent so they make her do it anyway. Shereé goes with Marlo to get dressed, continuing to protest by saying that she’s on her period, it’s 2AM, she’s old, this shit is cruel, but Marlo ignores her and puts her in leopard print tights and with leopard print shoes and the whole thing is so tragic. #freeShereé
Marlo then grabs duct tape and says, “Gimmie your titties” and I am a woman, I wear dresses, and I have no idea what Marlo did with that duct tape but when she’s done Shereé’s tits do look great.
Shereé sits on the stairs and tries to model but they’re all yelling at her and fanning her to try to give her a Beyonce wind hair moment that’s really just pushing hair into her mouth.
She ends up taking a few cute pictures, but now I want to write a parody version of “Tyrone” by Erykah Badu only with gold phones, Barcelona, taped titties, and patterned hosiery.
Shereé tells us that she is never giving these pictures to Tyrone. I mean, unless he loves masturbating to open stairways what would be the point.
The next morning, Kandi comes downstairs wearing a sequined murder cat shirt that I’m sure cost more than I make in a month.
The ladies were up last night dropping it like they do and this pic of Marlo in the morning is my spirit animal - it’s how I greet every day.
Marlo’s thighs are sore and she has no idea why until Cynthia reminds her that she dropped it for like an hour straight.
Over breakfast, Shereé posits a theory that NeNe is so mad about Tyrone because she never got over the fight he was part of six years ago. Tyrone was the guy who was trying to get Shereé, Kim, and NeNe to appear at an event where NeNe tried to get paid more than the other women. And then we cut to the infamous Shereé and NeNe restaurant fight where NeNe yells about Trump checks and Shereé tells NeNe to get her teeth fixed and then they don’t talk for four years.
The women leave the hotel and run into protestors. Eva tries to explain to us why the Spanish are protesting and it doesn’t sound quite right but good on her for trying. On the bus, Cynthia starts trying to seduce Kandi again and Kandi just fuck her already so she can get over it.
The women arrive in downtown Barcelona to shop and we get like a montage of them walking down the street all cool. Then go to a place called Jamon Experience where they eat aged ham and Eva says that it smells like farts. NeNe tries to take a piece of ham without actually touching it.
Meanwhile, Eva’s face is so glowy it’s like 1996 came all over her cheeks.
Eva mentions Tyrone to NeNe again and NeNe says, “Only talk to me about Gregg Leakes who I have been married to for 20 years.” Except for the years where you were divorced and you were fucking Tyrone - don’t forget about those years.
It’s a new day and Cynthia tells us this one is going to be all about love and light. They all get on a bus to head out of town away from protestors and political unrest. On the bus, Cynthia tells them that she’s going to give herself a small, spiritual baptism today. She asks the women to share something positive and Kandi plays her latest song called “I can’t fuck with fake people” and Cynthia is like “that is not positive.” I mean, it is in that she’s positive that she can’t fuck with fake people.
They go to a beach and it’s like evening all of a sudden I swear that Barcelona schedule is getting to them and they’re all going to bed at 6AM and waking up at 4PM. They stand on the beach and Cynthia gives them each a candle that they can’t keep lit with all of the wind. They stand in a line and Shereé looks like she really needs to pee.
Under each candle is written a name and they’re supposed to take turns saying something nice about the person whose name is on their candle.
· Kandi has Sheree and says that she seems nice.
· Marlo has Kandi and says that she is short.
· Eva has Shamea and says that she is messy and maybe one day she might like her, but today is not that day.
· Sheree has Marlo and says that she is crazy.
· Shamea has Eva and says that she’s probably fine.
· NeNe has Porsha and says that she hopes that she can start doing better.
· Cynthia has NeNe and says that she is tiring.
Cynthia then splashes cold ass ocean water on her boobs while the ladies watch. So refreshing!