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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY (RHOBH RECAP)

BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY (RHOBH RECAP)

Like a daytime soap character who was thrown into the sea a decade ago but reemerges years later with Bo Brady’s child, Eileen Davidson is back, if only fleetingly, to bless us with her grace, sanity, and healthy dose of skepticism about Dorit. Lisa Rinna and Erika try to convince Eileen that they’re in a good place with Dorit as they gulp back Chardonnay like it is the only thing that will wash down all the bullshit they’re spewing. Eileen looks at them like maybe Dorit is holding them hostage and if so “blink once”.

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Sadly, that’s all we get from Eileen. We miss you, you sweet moral soap actress lady. You were always too good for this world.

As if Kyle’s renovation storyline wasn’t boring enough, it was all for naught because she drove by a bigger house and she wants it. So does her nine-year old daughter Portia, whose room is messy and declares that she needs a new one. What an adorable thing for a nine-year old girl to say. I’m sure she’ll grow up well-adjusted. So then it’s decided. Kyle and Mauricio buy a new house for the low, low price of $8.3M but this storyline is still mind-numbing AF.

Meanwhile, Teddy and Lisa R get pedicures and Lisa excitedly tells Teddy that she and Dorit have become good friends. Because Teddy is all about accountability, she reveals to Lisa that not but three months ago (which is about a decade in reality years) Dorit and PK were badmouthing Lisa. Lisa doesn’t really care. Lisa just wants to laugh and drink and hoover xanax. Lisa invites all the ladies to drinks on Saturday. Lisa is a sentient Lisa Frank pencil case.

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Speaking of over the top, Erika Girardi is shooting the cover of her memoire and the aesthetic is blowup doll meets blowup doll wearing leather. It’s very on-brand for Erika.

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On the topic of brands, Dorit and PK visit the factory where her swimsuit line, once labelled Nava, now renamed Beverly Beach, because her potato kebab of a husband thought it best, is being manufactured. Dorit and PK attempt to have witty banter in front of the designer and manager but all I can hear is that sucking sound a clogged toilet makes when you finally plunge it successfully. It’s so much better than their actual voices.

Saturday has arrived and Teddi wants to clear the air with Dorit so she offers to pick her up to talk privately before drinks. Teddi admits that she told Lisa R that Dorit talked smack and Dorit accuses Teddi of starting fires. Now, Dorit did say terrible things, but (and it KILLS me to say this) I agree that Teddi didn’t have to bring it up. Being an accountability coach doesn’t mean that you have to insert yourself in everyone’s shit and stir the shit and smear the shit. It just means that you yourself shouldn’t act like a shit.

They arrive at drinks pretty upset and Dorit brings up the disagreement at the restaurant. For some reason, most of the table is defends Dorit even though she’s badmouthed everyone. When Erika pokes at Teddi a bit, Teddi reminds her that she admitted that she said she’d be hurt if Dorit said nasty things about her. (Everyone following this convoluted mess? Me neither.)  Erika denies saying this and Teddy accuses her of “pretend amnesia”. Well NO ONE, do you hear me, NO ONE accuses Erika of lying and she LOSES her shit and scolds Teddy like a nun who just caught her student smoking under the bleachers.

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It’s humiliating and uncomfortable to watch. Teddy is not in the wrong but she apologizes and slinks into her chair like gollum hiding from the light. Teddi starts crying and leaves and Erika proclaims she’s a crybaby. She is ruthless.

Dorit feels bad because she should be the one who feels bad. And she doesn’t like to see people cry. And she has a heart. She tells us this so it must be so.

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NOOM DAY 4: THIS WILL NOT STAND

NOOM DAY 4: THIS WILL NOT STAND

NOOM DAY 3: ARE YOU THERE PIZZA? IT'S ME, CARLY.

NOOM DAY 3: ARE YOU THERE PIZZA? IT'S ME, CARLY.