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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

NOOM DAY 1: IS IT WORSE TO BE FAT OR HUNGRY?

NOOM DAY 1: IS IT WORSE TO BE FAT OR HUNGRY?

After writing about how I’ve never tried Weight Watchers, I asked one of my secret Facebook groups if anyone had never done it. A couple women chimed in that they were on Noom, which I’d never heard of.

Intrigued, I decided to check it out.

You answer a series of questions about yourself.

I kept waiting for them to ask me for money.

My “customized” report was on its way. In the meantime, Noom wanted me to know if I stuck to their plan, I’d be down THIRTY pounds by the end of JULY.

WHAAAAATTTTTTT?!?!

Without giving any specifics on how that happened, I quickly signed up for my 14-day free trial (cancel anytime, or pay $129 for four months.)

And then the bait and switch.

Noom wants me to consume 1,200 calories a day to hit my goal.

Oh? Really? Uh huh. Yes. I see. Mmmhmm.

I’ve heard this before. A million times. We’ve all been on the 1,200 a calorie a day diet and no one has made it past day three.

Looking up 1,200 meal plans is downright HILARIOUS. Snacks include half a cup of rasberries or ⅓ of a green pepper with three tablespoons of hummus. Why not just tell me to suck on ice or chew one quarter stalk of celery V-E-R-Y-S-L-O-W-L-Y?

Not to mention, all of the new food rules I’ve just picked up from “Whole” and “Real Food” diet tips, like full fat Greek yogurt, nuts and oil are considered “red” items on your list. I’m not interested in any of these recipes and why is there so much SOUP?

Screw your group coach and support network and this calorie density bullshit.

But.

Maybe it will be different this time. Maybe my phone addiction will start working FOR me. Maybe My Fitness Pal, which is essentially the same thing except free, failed because some white lady who lives in North Carolina isn’t texting me to figure out small, more manageable goals. Maybe the daily tasks will make me believe I’m actually doing something.

Then again, when it all boils down to it, this is a 1,200 calorie diet where you log every single bite of food and weigh yourself. Every. Day.

It’s nothing new.

And yet.

I bought a scale off some guy on Craigslist and am sitting here, 84 calories over (that’s WITH a 35 minute intense stationary bike ride) and wishing it was the end of the night because I’m thisclose to bingeing on something. FINE, I’m over because I ate two piece of margherita pizza.

Here’s what I ate today:

Breakfast: ½ cup quick cooking oats with ¼ cup of blueberries and one wedge of honeydew

Breakfast snack: 1 homemade granola bar (my only “red” item of the day WTF it has no added sugar and flax seeds)

Lunch: ¾ cup of nonfat plain Greek yogurt with two pineapple rings and 20 Simple Truth french fries (baked)

Lunch snack: 1 cup of black bean and red quinoa soup

Dinner: You already know this is where I fucked up

(Water, two cups of caffeine free tea and one lime flavored seltzer water)

I’m now at that critical juncture of trying to decide which unhappiness is more unbearable: The Empty Feeling in my stomach and soul or The Utter Hatred of my body and weight.

The former has clearly won this battle many, many times before. The latter has come out on top maybe three or four times.

Perhaps Noom will help me when I can’t help myself.

Only time will tell.

(P.S. My birthday is in nine days and I have three plans that include a meal.)

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