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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

HOW TO THROW A NICOLAS CAGE THEMED BABY SHOWER

HOW TO THROW A NICOLAS CAGE THEMED BABY SHOWER

If you’re looking for someone to roll their eyes at any traditional event, specifically related to babies, look no further! I would rather spend an afternoon trying to spoon-feed an earthworm than eat a chocolate bar out of a diaper. But there comes a time when you love someone so much and you love her husband so much, and then they make this baby you’re sure to love so much, that you toss aside your guff and throw them a goddamn shower because love is the killer of all hate filled fun.

If you find yourself in such a situation, then I write this for you.

Step One

Clear your mind of all the girl pink and baby blue ideas in your head. This includes the other pastel chalky NECCO sweetheart candy colors - no minty greens, neutral gendered yellow. OUT! We’re reinventing the baby shower wheel! Changing the standards of the traditional baby shower because we used to listen to Minor Threat and wear combat boots and snuck boys into our bedrooms at night until Father Time struck us with the obstinate and tenacious debilitating disease called adulthood.

Step Two 

Consider who this party is really for. This party isn’t about the baby. The baby isn’t hanging out, admiring your diaper cake with handcrafted ornaments you knitted while watching Outlander. The baby does not give a shit. Now, that you realize this party should be in a bar, book one. If there’s anything you need when thinking about children, it’s alcohol and fried foods.

Step Three 

Order a life size cut-out of Nicolas Cage. Why? WHY THE FUCK NOT? You can actually sub any celebrity who has become a caricature of him or herself - Sean Connery, Al Pacino, Oprah, Rupaul, The Olsen Twins. OK, not the Olsen twins because LITERALLY no one cares about them anymore.

Step Four 

LEARN TO LOVE THE INTERNET! It’s the most delightful crap-a-ganza you’ve never experienced! WHAT DO YOU NEED? THE INTERNET ANSWERS. Looking for a camouflage cake mix? We got you. Have $1350 to use for an Illinois Shaped Corn Flake? WE got you.  NEED AN INFANT CIRCUMCISION TRAINER??? WE GOT YOU. In this case, though, maybe just settle on a Nicolas Cage baby bib…...and the onsie.

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Step Five 

Decorations, photo booth props, and the power of puns! You’re going to have make sure that this party has a story. Unlike the current White House administration, you can’t just throw some trash together and call it a party. You have more pride than that. In this case, I created a banner that simply read “Con-CAGE-ulations!” so that people would immediately get that they were at a weirdly delightful baby shower. In addition, you’ll want to order a cake that says something that references a movie, like ours that said, “We Hope You Get the Best Damn One,” which we did not with our president.

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For photo booth props, it was super simple! I found some photos on the internet of Nick’s co-stars, printed them, cut them out, and glued them to sticks. My co-host also came up with the brilliant idea of getting even more props like panty hose and Huggie diapers!

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And don’t forget prizes, like pins, coffee mugs, and activity books!

Step Six 

Come up with ridiculous games to play! The games are best when relevant to the theme and can be adjusted to adapt to traditional games. There was a gender inspired game called “What Will It Bees?” inspired by Wicker Man. In this game, I printed several blue and pink winged bees to represent male and female. (Yes, I’m aware of gender being a social construct and that colors shouldn’t be assigned to sexes and support that these are all complicated issues with many layers to it, but I had only so much time to figure this out so I went caveman style.)

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There was also the count the VX gas balls from The Rock. The topic of nerve gas and chemical warfare is usually not a great baby shower subject, so I bought little plastic baby strollers to sprinkle into the jar so people could focus on cuter things.

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Speaking of cute, the most simple game was one where you only need an empty jar, pen, and some slips of paper. Tell people to grab a pen and suggest a Nicolas Cage related name - his co-stars, movie characters, family members, etc! Then, Mom and Dad draw a name from the jar. Whichever name gets picked, the winner gets a prize and the new happy parents are required by law to name their kid Castor Troy.

Last Step

Have fun! Listen to people comment on what a weird and unique shower it is and how much they loved playing Labor, Porn, or Nicolas Cage. Give lots of hugs to the Parents-to-Be! Enjoy the few minutes listening Dad give an emotional chat about how loved and lucky he is and let it sear into your memory so you can remind him of all these things when he hasn’t slept in 2 weeks and has a mustard yellow poo running down his arm.

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NOOM DAY 2: SMUG AND STARVING

NOOM DAY 2: SMUG AND STARVING

WE'RE TALKING THE NEW OPRAH BOOK CLUB PICK AN AMERICAN MARRIAGE

WE'RE TALKING THE NEW OPRAH BOOK CLUB PICK AN AMERICAN MARRIAGE