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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

A RANKING OF THE WORST BACHELORS OF ALL TIME

A RANKING OF THE WORST BACHELORS OF ALL TIME

The Bachelor has been airing for 127 years and I have only skipped a few seasons (among them the Navy sailor dude; the British dude; and fuck you, Nick). I’ve watched Jerry O’Connell’s brother find temporary love with an adorable nurse, witnessed Lee Ann Womack’s distant cousin Brad try on the suitor role twice, and fallen madly in platonic love with Andrew Firestone, my Favorite Bachelor of All Time® (and that’s not just because he’s the heir to a shit-ton of vineyards and reliable tires).

In short, I have sacrificed my brain cells for most of This Incredible Journey®, and it’s been kind of worth it. I don’t have an advanced degree from an accredited university but I do have a PhD in Bachelor Douchebag Spotting, so here’s my roundup of the Worst Bachelors According to Me, Someone Who’s Watched The Majority of the Franchise and Has Very Strong Opinions You May or May Not Agree With.

5. Nick

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Good Goddess I hate this guy. He’s an opportunistic hack with a Lifetime Movie villain vibe and the Manspreading gene. He’d be higher on the list but I was busy boycotting his season because he makes my skin want to shed itself and I didn’t feel like moisturizing that much.

4. Ben Flacidick

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This dismissive grouch looks like a brunette Dax Shepard but has none of his charm. Instead, he has a bad attitude and even worse listening skills, since he ignored everyone’s advice to not pick Bachelor Villain For the Ages® Courtney Robertson. Lo and behold, he chose her and they did NOT live happily ever after. Probably because they’re both terrible people.

3. Arie

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Even though there have been approximately 8,542 men on this franchise, I’ve only been “carnally drawn” to a handful of them…and before this most recent season aired Arie was at the top of that list. All of that changed in January. Not only did my lady boner go limp, my entire libido slipped into a coma every time this guy was onscreen. He managed to be both boring and shitty simultaneously, and by the time he dumped Becca on camera I was both shouting at him and yawning at him through the television. May he, a manipulative robot with the charisma of a stale saltine cracker, and Lauren, who was created in a lab for this show, be very “happy” together.

2. Jake the Verbally Abusive Pilot

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Ugh. What a frightening asshole this guy is. He was basically a con artist playing the highly scripted role of the Good Guy and the viewers eventually saw right through him, even without our X-ray Aviator glasses. He ended up with Vienna, who was cartoonishly awful, and then he yelled at her on TV in the way that only a controlling white man with all of society’s power behind him can and I snapped into the fetal position and cried with her, then rocked back and forth while reading that Margaret Atwood quote out loud to myself. You know the one.

1. Juan Pablo

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Aye yai yai. Homophobic? Check. Condescending as fuck? Check. The swaggering embodiment of Narcissistic Personality Disorder doused in Axe Body Spray and covered in mirrors? Check check check. This arrogant piece of fuck shamed women for being sexual beings, talked down to them incessantly, interrupted them constantly, made multiple women cry—including his goddamn mom—and was, in general, the worst suitor this franchise has ever, ever cast. Ever. Unless they crown a post-impeachment Donald Trump as their next lead there will never be a worse Bachelor. The only good thing he did was inspire me to channel my disgust into my first piece of Bachelor Feminist Fan Fiction®. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t end well for him. Shhh. I’m just being honest.

NOOM DAY 1: IS IT WORSE TO BE FAT OR HUNGRY?

NOOM DAY 1: IS IT WORSE TO BE FAT OR HUNGRY?

ALL ABOUT DEJA (THIS IS US RECAP)

ALL ABOUT DEJA (THIS IS US RECAP)