SWANS HISS, BITCH (RPDR RECAP)
Remember when we had hope? I used to have hope--hope for my dear Trixie, hope for Bendelacreme. Now I have only the bitter taste of ashes in my mouth--that, and the fairly certain feeling that Shangela is going to win this whole fucking mess. Instead of multiple repetitions of that horrible Skittlespox commercial, VH1 should sell airtime to America’s finest pharmaceutical companies to shill antidepressants. Anyway, I’ll stop being all Goth Kitty about it.
Everyone is shookth upon their return to the workroom. People have opinions about things, and tortured bullshit metaphors (SHANGELA) to share. As my boss would say in department meeting minutes: feelings are expressed. Bebe refuses to reveal her choices in the name of peace and our Lady and Savioress, Bendelacreme, which fine, whatever, cool. OH YEAH, IT’S GoT WITH SHANGELA TIME! Shangela compares Bebe to Cersei, which what the actual fuck. Cersei would show all lipsticks and drink wine with contempt. She would not play coy. Give me a fucking break with this.
Nancy Pelosi shows up because...I have no idea. It is International Women's Day...maybe that’s it? I don’t know. This was just meh. And I like Pelosi and I once bet on a horse named Pelosi and it won! So I have extra fondness for human and equine Pelosis, but this left me puzzled. The maxi challenge is a mashup of raunchy girl comedy plus serious lady movie. There are characters: Sharon Frockovich, The Queen, Actavia, Beige Swan, and Lala. Morgan gets to assign the roles. Shangela jumps on Actavia, the rocket scientist/maid who bakes shit pies. Trixie wants Lala the dancing and singing ingenue, but she ain’t gonna get it. Bebe is typecast as The Queen, but doesn’t know her brand well enough to see how that works. Trixie gets Sharon, the brown haired (gasp!) loudmouth, Kennedy is Lala, and Morgan casts herself as Beige Swan, insane ballerina.
The girls go to film and are under the tutelage of Ross Mathews, who loves overacting and knows nothing about birds. Bebe plays herself and can’t take direction. Ross wants more, more, more. Shangela does just perfectly fine, and so does Trixie, who actually looks good with that brown hair. The two strongest performers do the best. Kennedy just comes out and flails her legs. And then the only magic of the night occurs. Morgan comes out as Beige Swan and after getting some correction for her silent entrance, proceeds to do authentic swan hissing. I mean, I fucking loved it. Ross asks for swan noises, and Morgan says that swans actually do hiss. She is trying to be #ornithologicallycorrect. They do hiss! But Ross is not in love with the hissing, unlike yours truly, who would make that her ringtone if she could.
Makeup Time is boring, but we do have personality dissection. This season has been about finding our personality flaws. Remember when Milk discovered he’d been an asshole his whole life? Trixie finds out she may be a grand jerk. She wants to think she’s just a performing introvert, but Morgan says she’s grand. Bebe discovers she’s bougie as a fucking cronut. Kennedy feels like she’s a second thought queen, and this is as bitter as it is weirdly endearing. The chip on Kennedy’s shoulder is so attractive because this bitch just seems real.
I hissed like a swan when Chris Colfer showed up on my screen. He’s almost done with puberty, guys! The runway is Red for Filth. Bebe comes out in a mask and business suit from Detox’s Mugler collection, Kennedy does her same old pageant drag, Morgan McMichaels lives her Scottish truth as a beatiful tartan slut, and Shangela resurrects Yara Sofia's Popiton and serves Vivacious inflatable realness as Ursula the Red Sea witch. My girl Trixie comes out in an Alaska level take on the category, with actual books on her head. I mean, I loved this as much as I loved Morgan’s hissing. This is the sort of thing an All Star should do: excel, and go above and beyond the category.
Let’s hold up for a second and talk about true All Star-ness. Trixie does it here, and I would argue that Morgan does the same on the runway. Both girls serve something that is unique and on brand. We haven’t seen anything like what they do before. Shangela thinks she’s doing it, but she’s as wrong about that as she is about being Daenerys. Shangela is derivative as f. Look at all those references I used to describe her up there and realize: I’m not joking, bitch. Katya did this with her latex dress in the second season of All Stars, and to me, it is mark of real talent and skill.
The skit is...not great. Trixie and Shangela clearly win. Ross ruins everything when he makes Morgan quack. Guess what, Ross: SWANS DON’T QUACK, YOU FUCKING DUNCE. (I still love you, Ross) It makes Morgan look stupid and sad. (Also it’s funny.) Sidenote: do a lot of strippers get murdered during bachelor/bachelorette parties? Asking for a friend. There’s a fart joke. Great.
Judging time: Bebe looks pretty but was too refined in the challenge. People loved Shangela’s gag, and she did wonderfully in the challenge. Trixie gets even better remarks than Shangela! Kennedy was underwhelming and is out of control with her highlighter on her nose. Colfer thinks he can do Emma Stone and hiiiiisssssss. Morgan is beautiful but made a bad choice in picking Beige Swan. Shangela and Trixie win! Everyone else is on the bottom.
It’s beggin’ time. Morgan wants to stay but is aware that returning queens don’t fare too well. Bebe points out that her character was spot on and she has the best track record of the bottom girls. Also, Bebe has never seen an episode of Drag Race. She comes off as a real asshole here. And then Kennedy calls memes Me-Mes! My goodness, that is not how you pronounce it! What hilarity! Shangela will never send Kennedy home, so hooray for loyalty! Kennedy also reveals that she Does. Not. Like. Bebe. She even compares her to Milk! That’s pretty rank.
So, are we excited about A Wrinkle in Time? I recently re-read the book and it seems pretty unfilmable. I was obsessed with the whole series (OF COURSE I WAS) as a kid. Oh, sorry. I forgot I was recapping this. ANYWAY!
Trixie and Shangela lipsync to Freaky Money and Shangela is clearly going to do a gag. I hate the way she takes off her top clothes. She reveals Carmen Carrera's fat suit under her granny nightie. GREAT. COOL. WHATEVER. I’m so fucking bored with Shangie’s gags. And Trixie doesn’t have confidence in her lipsyncing skills, so of course she doesn’t win. Shangela reveals her titstick, and surprise, surprise, surprise, it’s Morgan. Guys, what if she’d sent home Bebe? Wouldn’t that have been amazing?!?
So next week is the finale, and I feel pretty sure that Shangela is going to win. She’s grown on me like a fungus (I was a known Shangela hater before.) But like a fungus, I’m not that super enthused. Trixie’s always been my girl, but I’m not sure she’s cast off her Drag Race demons. As much as I love her, she doesn’t have the fire that my love, Katya, had in her All Star season. Shangela hasn’t been as dominant as Alaska was last time, but barring something unforeseen, I think this crown will end up on Shangie’s head.