CRASH INTO ME (RHOA RECAP)
It’s morning in Barcelona! Eva goes door-to-door offering the women coffee. She seems very nice and maybe too nice to be successful on this show. Shereé is the only one who takes her up on it and Shereé looks like she needs every single drop of that java.
Shereé reveals that her bed, which was essentially two crib mattresses pushed together, was like sleeping on a cot so now her back is killing her and her hair is so bad that she needs towel coverage.
Kandi and Cynthia have breakfast and Cynthia says that she slept with NeNe because her bedroom door doesn’t lock. And I guess that’s a thing since you have like staff living in the villa or something, but aren’t the producers also supposed to help keep you alive? Is that at all part of the contract, having the producers help you not get murdered while you travel to exotic foreign lands? Then we see that the women all stayed up late last night getting drunk and silly and twerking, which is cool but where were the cameras why do we always rely on cell phone cameras after midnight? Are the producers Gremlins?
The ladies all talk about last night’s Kimpocalypse and the consensus is that taking videos of someone else’s bathroom is childish and trashy. Shereé relays the Kim-approved spin that Brielle was trying to take a selfie and didn’t notice the bugs until people commented on it in her Snap, but everyone immediately calls that for the odorous bullshit it is since Brielle zoomed in on the bug. Cynthia says that Shereé should get her girl, meaning Kim, and Shereé says I don’t know her and drinks her juice.
Eva mentions that she didn’t appreciate being asked about her sexuality in front of everybody yesterday and Eva may use the word “cute” too much but I’m going to wait and see. Then Eva and Shamea get into it a bit and Eva makes Shamea stand down using nothing but eye contact and common sense. It’s kind of beautiful.
Marlo manages to move the conversation onto how much Porsha sucks because she’s good like that. NeNe arrives late and announces that she got them all hotel rooms so Shereé won’t be crippled for life and the women celebrate their hotel rooms by freaking all the way out.
They get on their tour bus and convince Marlo to post a picture of her whole ass on Instagram. They then expand the 50 Cynt Bucket List Challenge to include tongue kissing Cynthia. Cynthia and Porsha kiss and everyone films it.
They then go decide to get into a car accident in a foreign country, per their contracts. The go cart owners explain the important part about how to brake but Porsha is too busy making fun of Cynthia adding her name to the supermodel list t-shirt to notice, so course she crashes into shit like immediately.
The man they hit definitely has all kinds of whiplash but is also being really chill about. Porsha lies that her car accelerated on its own. She is so bad at lies.
They then go get lunch at a market and I hate to report Cynthia’s wig didn’t make it through the go cart ride, RIP her wig.
They order all the things and a bottle of vodka like this is how you do lunch I am so proud of them. Porsha the baby vegan eats octopus because fuck them animals.
They talk about the Kim roach video again and NeNe wants everyone to tell Kim how wrong she is. Porsha and Shereé are the only two who speak to Kim and they’re both like um no because she is scary.
So then Marlo starts picking at Porsha to see if she can get her to freak out and the answer is yes, of course you can. Trying to get a rise out of Porsha, Marlo brings up:
- Porsha falsely accusing Kandi of planning to drug and rape her
- Being a fake vegan
- Her horrible breath
- Her small doormat
And...the small doormat comment really gets to Porsha. Who the fuck can even tell? Marlo is like a Picasso of shade. Porsha actually starts crying because that doormat was a gift from her mother who is totally alive and will continue to give her things. Marlo can’t handle the crying over the doormat so she swoops back around to Porsha’s lie about Kandi saying “you aren’t crying about the lie you told.”
I want to step back and take a moment to discuss what it is that Marlo is wearing. Her t-shirt is dripping with jeweled crosses and it has fucking jeweled epaulettes. JEWELED EPAULETTES ON A T-SHIRT. She is also wearing a crown that says “queen”. So here is this woman, with jeweled epaulettes and “queen” crown in Barcelona screaming in an open air market about how Porsha is the fucking worst. I’m going to conjure this image every night before I go to sleep because it is so, so glorious.
Porsha is getting heated and using her fan to aggressively gesture in Marlo’s personal space so Marlo and her “queen” crown just rip the fan out of Porsha’s hands.
Then we cut to commercial and I’m pretty sure that we’re going to come back to at least two murders.
But there are no murders because the other women are not new and they immediately jump between Porsha and Marlo. Marlo is sitting there screaming “A MAT DIDN’T MAKE YOU DAMN CRY” and they all decide to get the fuck out and grab the vodka on their way. And now it’s night? How fucking long was this lunch?
Porsha circles up with Shamea and Shereé talking about what Marlo did to NeNe and how bad it was and what are you even talking about please tell us but no, it’s not to be. Marlo keeps ranting out on the street and NeNe is like shut the fuck up and get in a cab before we get arrested because it’s been a minute since I’ve been to jail.
They go back to the villa of horrors to get packed up. Kandi and NeNe call their husbands to tell them about Marlo v. Porsha live in Barcelona.
Porsha packs and then goes to NeNe’s room to talk about how awful she feels because everyone hates her so much and how she’s going home. NeNe is actually really nice to Porsha and says that she feels her and it’s so sweet and odd. NeNe tells Porsha to just tell the other women that she fucked up and then the other women will leave her alone. And like they are still talking and how late is the check-in at this hotel I am concerned you’re going to miss it. Anyway, NeNe and Porsha hug and I never saw it coming.
Porsha thinks about saying that she was wrong and instead she decides to spend a lot of money rebooking a flight home by herself with her mysterious fainting disease. That’s…also a choice.