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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

SPILLED MILK (RPDR RECAP)

SPILLED MILK (RPDR RECAP)

This week Milk gets something to cry about. We enter the workroom after the elimination and are immediately embroiled in #penisgate after Thorgy #didthedicks on the mirror. Kennedy is disgusted by the display and Milk defends Thorgy’s choice to be the worst. Those two immediately go at it—Milk says that Kennedy should have been eliminated instead, and Kennedy is v. hurt. After Milk disses her drag, Kennedy gives her a dead eyed crystallized stare. Nobody ever taught Milk the golden rule: don’t talk shit if it isn’t necessary. Will there be a comeuppance? Oh, you better believe it. Somebody is about to already done get herses. Speaking of #penisgate, apparently Bebe cannot even say the word. She is much too ladylike for that vulgarity.

Shangela mixes it up with Milk, too. In her cutaway, Shangela continues to angle for the #grownwoman edit and speaks fondly of her younger self, who would have definitely splashed an Absolute cocktail right into Milk’s face. #ripJeffreyMoran. Shangela describes Thorgy as a “sheet in the wind,” which, #accurate. Ben pulls Thorgy’s lipstick from her bosom, but she looks tired and she doesn’t want to have to explain herself. Hey, I get it! No need to go out of your way to look like a bitch, right. (If only Milk would have taken note.) Shangela says some more GoT bullshit, but I ain’t got time for that.

Ru enters the workroom in a suit whose print was developed by Soviet scientists to give American diplomats in Cuba brain damage. #geopolitical. I mean, it’s so confusing it gives me a migraine to think about it. The girls get their assignment—they’re going to be improv-ing The Bitchelor Dating Show, with Jeffrey Bowyer Chapman as...the...bitch? I kid. They are going to be paired for 2:1 dates and giving personality types. Ru also gives them a super brief improv lesson: yes and! That’s it. Shutter the UCB, Ru’s got this.

Aja and Kennedy are paired as needy girl and party girl, respectively. Trixie is a fake bitch and Milk is a psycho stalker. Ben is a cougar and Bebe is a shy virgin. Chi Chi and Shangela are paired as a polyamorous duo, with Chi Chi craving that sweet Bowyer Chapman d and Shangie craving Chi Chi.

The girls break off in their pairs and it’s clear that each comedy queen is paired with her weaker sister. Ben tries to coach Bebe, who’s concept of her character is fresh off the boat from Africa. We already know that Bebe is a real lady—she can’t even say sex! Ben is worried, but to her I say, hush baby, it doesn’t matter. Bebe is a plant. (My notes say fucking plant, fyi) #molegate!!!!  

Aja’s plan is just to do Farrah Moan, and that does not go over well in my household, as Farrah is my husband’s favorite. Milk reveals her facility with her stalker role: she stalked her boyfriend on MYSPACE (WHAT HOW LONG HAVE THEY BEEN TOGETHER WAS SHE 15 WHEN THEY HOOKED UP SO MANY QUESTIONS). Also, hot people should not have to work this hard for dick, ya know? Also, I think I read a Dear Prudence column about this. And my poor little baby Chi Chi is just drowning. She knows she’s fucked and tries out an English accent that sounds a lot like Yara Sofia doing Amy Winehouse.

It’s time for the Bitchelor. Real talk, I know nothing about The Bachelor, except what I’ve gleaned from Heaux’s editrix and close personal friend Adrienne Gunn’s recaps. You should check them out as they are hilarious, even if you’ve never seen an ep. 

Jeffrey Bowyer Chapman is so cute I want to smash him. He’s just so cute and funny. RuPaul thinks so, too, and gets all flirtatious and mildly threatening at him. This unnerved me. The girls exit the limo (big budget, baby).

Bebe does Coming to America. Like, that’s it. Still can’t say cock. The world’s oldest virgin.

Ben walks into the room pussy first, a completely drunk slut and it’s wonderful!

Trixie’s fake bitch is total Linda from Finance. She’s like a negging superstar. She calls him Jason/Jared.

Milk is just hysterical, but in the sense that the Victorians used it? Like she should probably be in a straightjacket and get masturbated into calming down.

Next up is Aja as Farrah Moan plus stuffed dog.

Kennedy is all ass and tits and crazy teeth and flask and she is hysterical in a good way.

Shangela is a lesbian and Chi Chi is her simple partner. And I think Chi Chi is really funny, but she misses the “How’s your head” joke, a cardinal sin on Drag Race, and Michelle growls at her.  

Now it’s time for the 2:1 DATES

The girls are instructed to not talk over each other by known glasses wearer Michelle Visage, and Ru comes back to sexually menace Jeffrey with an earlobe grope.

Ben and Bebe have a snack date and Ben crams a banana in her mouth and spits it out for the little baby Jeffrey to eat. She is hilarious and disgusting. However, Bebe is quite terrible. It is not good. Like I said before, she’s just doing Coming to America and Jeffrey as as embarrassed as Eddie Murphy was. #molegate

Trixie the fake bitch is the neg queen. Milk is just a fucking mess, cutting Trixie off all the time. Trixie can’t get her bits across because Milk is an asshole who won’t shut up. Shangie nails it in her cutaway when she clocks Trixie’s real facial expressions and visualized steam lines rising from her wig in anger and frustration.

Kennedy turns a party with her shot glasses and skirt vodka. And those teeth! Aja is not doing well because Aja doesn’t know what needy is. Kennedy had a crackhead boyfriend and she shot him. She also salutes “that dick,” then she snatches her wig and tries to kiss him like the girl gremlin from Gremlins 2: The New Batch, then passes out as she reveals she’s a man.

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This is now my religion, basically.

Chi Chi and Shangie hot tub with Jeffrey. Poor Chi Chi may literally drown, instead of just figuratively drowning in this challenge. I don’t think Shang does that good, and I find Chi very endearing. I’m here for a domineering lesbian, but Shang goes broad, as is her wont. Chi Chi does #metoo Jeffrey, kissing all up on his handsome chest, and then says “wanna have my baby” in a deep voice, and I thought that was funny.

In the end, Jeffery eggplants Ru and then picks him up to reenact “An Officer and A Gentleman.” Ben goes out like she came in: PUSSY FIRST.

The runway is Wigs on Wigs on Wigs: A Tribute to America’s Favorite bottom queen, Roxxxxy Andrews, but before that, we have to watch makeup time, which is primarily about suffering. Chi is suffering and it makes me sad. She is being crushed by her self-doubt, and suggests that she was not ready to come back. It hurts me to see her so! Trixie is suffering, too. She wants to be in the top v. badly. She’s Beyonce outside and nothing here in the four fake walls of Drag Race unless she proves herself a winner. Milk is suffering from delusions, because she thinks she is in the top and she is actually terrible. Kennedy is suffering because she feels betrayed by Milk, with whom she thought she had a good relationship, so Aja and Shang heal her by talking mad shit. It’s clear that Kennedy has a #VENDETTA #LACTOSEINTOLERANT

Mainstage Time!

Ben is Michelle Visage, then Michelle Visage in a super long wig, and then Michelle Visage in a wig dress.

Bebe does a culturally insensitive Asian look ala Detox (I’m serious, it’s basically the same outfit/same reveal) plus a slow wig reveal to long poof pony.

Trixie does Lady Bunny Laugh In with a wig bump into Tatiana.

Milk is also 60s into a stupid wig that pulls out like a Chrissy doll.

Aja serves anime vulva to urine yellow wig to purple cute wig. Also anime is her thing now, did you know? She even says manga correctly.

Kennedy does giant afro to Carol Brady to high and tight. She’s total pageant and a proud graduate of the Lacefront Institute of Technology.

Chi Chi is a beautiful model and she does an afro to super long Cher wig. Her makeup is beautiful. She’s so beautiful and so sad.

Shangela is corn, which is on brand, thens she husks herself to crazy green wig that makes me mad. Like, I hate this wig. Why is it green? Am I Visage now?

Let’s talk about levels of artistry. The theme was Wigs on Wigs on Wigs, but five of the girls did a two-in-one look as well. Kennedy takes the challenge literally and does have a wig on a wig on a wig. Three wigs! This is the sort of thing that should happen on All Stars, and the girls who get it, get it. Milk, notably, doesn’t get it, and Chi Chi is too overcome, I think, to bump her look up.

Judging Time!

Safe: Shangela and Bebe. #molegate is in full effect. Bebe’s performance was not good. Her look is mediocre. If anything, I feel like she should have been in the bottom instead of Aja, who whiffed it on the challenge but turned it on the runway. Because she’s safe, she doesn’t get judged, so we don’t know how the judges felt. This stinks like rotten Milk.

Ben is lauded for surprise wig reveal, they comment on her layers, and salute her for her ability to give a lot to play with. Michelle puts a witch curse on Ben.

Trixie wanted to prove that Lady Bunny could morph into Naomi Smalls. They acknowledge that she was talked over and waiting to jump in, and Jeffrey loves her.

Milk is a Chrissy doll. Michelle clocks her cup and she talks back so ugly. Her dress is cute, but she played the same note and didn’t share the stage.

Aja: Runway perfection in latex Street fighter couture. She name checks Farrah, which is rude, and doesn’t know the difference between needy and spoiled. Get this bitch a dictionary app.

Kennedy is the funniest, a secret comedy queen who won Snatch Game in her season.

Chi Chi is beautiful on the runway, and Jeffrey sees her aura and knows her soul. However, she was overshadowed. Shangela makes her little smug face that I hate. Chi faces her struggles and turns tears.

Ben and Kennedy win!

During deliberation, Trixie is disappointed but she knows better than to be safe and cry. Ben has won every single challenge. Milk is such a fucker and doesn’t understand the critiques. Everyone is just gagged at her insanity. Her privilege is shining brighter than her spangles. Kennedy has no time for one on ones because she is sending Milk home. Aja is confident now, and I like it. She basically says: I’m doing fine, not worried. Chi Chi doesn’t think she’s ready to be here. She basically throws herself on her sword to Ben. She is genuine and it is heartbreaking. Trixie would have topped if Milk hadn’t been screaming the whole time. Milk is in denial and she is just so terrible. Ben looks like she’s silently screaming that she hates Milk during their one on one.

Lipsync for your Legacy!

Kennedy is dressed like Alyssa Edwards: lipsync assassin. The song is Green Light by Lorde, Bob the Drag Queen’s favorite recording artist. Ben is not going to camp because she’s wants to win, which throws a wrench in my secret theory that she is throwing lipsyncs in order to not eliminate other girls. Kennedy is already the winner in that mysterious cloak.  She slowly reveals the rest of her Alyssa costume and Ru gags. Ben weaves herself a hair spiderweb. Kennedy does a wig reveal that’s a little sloppy but she’s already won because Kennedy has real emotion and she really wants Milk to go. Neither queen moves much during the song, and they bring out a sadness that I don’t realize is there. Kennedy wins and SURPRISE, IT’S MILK.

After her elimination, Milk talks too much and is so terrible. She has morphed into her great enemy, Gia Gunn. She refuses to see her error, or the strength of the other queens. She writes nasty shit on the mirror, just like Gia did when she was sent home instead of Milk in their season. No one is sad to see her go. It’s odd to watch this reverse Rudemption edit. In her season, Milk was a lovable doofus hooked on her own aesthetic. She wasn’t there to make enemies. If anything, she felt overwhelmed and misunderstood. But she was sweet and innovative when she hit the mark. The intervening years have embiggened to her head to the point where she’s lost a lot of goodwill. We’ve seen villains stay villainous or redeem themselves, but we’ve never seen a good girl turn into a monster before (except Alaska in one episode). TWISTS AND TURNS, DARLING.

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