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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

PETTY AF (RHOBH RECAP)

PETTY AF (RHOBH RECAP)

Friendships are made, friendships are lost, a rich British lady rolls around in a bag of puppies, like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives. This and more on this week’s RHOBH.

But first we have to suffer through another Dorit and PK scene where they refer to each other as Babe and Bubba and Bub and Bubbo and...I just barfed. They swoon about how magical PK’s 60th birthday party was last week. Of course, Dorit is still upset that she argued with Teddi at the party and that Kyle stuck up for Teddi. Dorit considers Kyle a true friend and true friends never call each other out on their bullshit. True friends support you unequivocally even when your attitude sucks and you need to fire your hair stylist.

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Then Dorit pulls out a custom-made figuring of herself with her kids as another present for PK and PK promptly breaks the doll, sending the porcelain head of their daughter flying across the room, like an otter losing its grip on a precious oyster. No surprise here because PK is made up of potato kebab parts and kebabs don’t have the dexterity to handle porcelain responsibly.

Meanwhile, over at Vanderpump Dogs, Lisa VP and Ken are gleefully rolling in a bag of puppies (no, really) celebrating the fact that a libelous lawsuit against Ken has been dropped. It’s Cruella DeVille without the killing puppies part.

Then Lisa heads out to meet Kyle and Dorit for dinner, and while Lisa is on time, Dorit and Kyle are half an hour late. Lisa VP brushes off this slight but when she reveals the lawsuit against Ken has been dropped and is only greeted with a tepid cheers, she grows a little prickly. When Dorit and Kyle quickly pivot to arguing about whether or not Kyle was in the right for defending Teddi, Lisa gets petulant. And when Kyle accuses Dorit and Lisa of ganging up on her, Lisa gets downright indignant. She shoots up, puffs out her chests, calls for her limo and basically tells both women they deserve each other. Dorit is scandalized and Kyle waves her extra large sleeves around in distress.

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Then Kyle and Dorit bitch about Lisa because they think she just wanted to be the center of attention. And they may be right but Lisa was also right. She had really important news to share and these Heauxs were just like, but what about our petty fight? Dorit tells Kyle that Lisa had a cold upbringing so has problems expressing herself. Kyle is flabbergasted that Lisa never told her about her sad childhood. The curtain may be closing on Kyle’s tenure as best friend to the British Regina George and that hurts.

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Then it’s off to Teddi’s beach house for all the ladies minus Lisa Rinna. Lisa Rinna is playing a drug addled washed up crone on Days of Our Lives (a little too close to home) so has about 8000 lines to memorize. She also has to move one apathetic daughter to New York and convince her other apathetic daughter to take her drivers test. Bonne Chance! Lisa doesn’t miss the chance, however, to FaceTime with Erika and Lisa VP while they’re en route to the beach house. Lisa R and Erika hold the phone so far away from their faces (angles ladies!!!) that they look like they’re on a different floor than their phones.

As soon as everyone arrives at the very chill and casual beach house, (it’s a million-dollar mansion but according to Teddi, it’s very low key) Lisa proclaims that she’s angry at Dorit and Kyle for invalidating her feelings. Kyle insists that Lisa is actually upset because she just wants attention. Kyle also insinuates that Lisa likes Dorit more than her now but  Kyle is supposed to be Lisa’s bestie, okay? Got that? Me neither. Teddi is like why can’t everyone chill, dudes? We’re at a chill beach house. Chill chill chill.

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The sun sets over chill chill chill beach house and the women sit on the beach in deep wooden chairs that no one can really get out of. Lisa apologizes to Kyle to keep the peace but we all know this ain’t over yet. Because in the words of the incomparable Erika Girardi “Um. We’re petty."

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WE'RE ON A DAMN DIET IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER

WE'RE ON A DAMN DIET IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER

JACK HITS THE ROAD, WE GET A CAR (THIS IS US RECAP)

JACK HITS THE ROAD, WE GET A CAR (THIS IS US RECAP)