LE BIG MAC (BACHELOR RECAP)
Arie and the sister wives have arrived in Paris! PARIS! I went to Paris once. With my mom. Before we left she said, "Do you want me to pack you some of that laxative tea in case you get constipated in France?"
But. Look. I just want to take a second and point out that offering to pack you poop tea for Paris is actually a very caring thing to do. It's thoughtful. It's concerned about your future comfort in a foreign land. It's way more loving than making you prance about jetlagged in a thong with your frenemies and then broadcasting it on national television.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
The sister wives are on a river cruise. From the bow they yell “Bonjour, Arie!” into the ether. And I say the ether because Arie is nowhere to be seen. They're just yelling that shit. Some woman we've never seen before with big, beautiful, Cristina Yang hair talks about her connection with Arie. Krystal rambles about being the obvious choice for the impending 2:1. Bekah, fresh off her marijuana-farm-missing-person scandal, is wearing red tennis shoes AND a red dress.
HEIDI MONTAG 1:1
Heidi Montag get’s the first 1:1 and she’s SO EXCITED. She walks off arm and arm with Arie with her floral romper stuck straight up her ass. Not a metaphor.
The sister wives watch them go. Pout pout. Krystal says Arie wants to be challenged. That he could have a little girl like Heidi Montag or he could have a woman like her. She says “Is he really looking for, like, a strong woman?” NO GIRL, HE IS NOT. Krystal, girl, let me tell you about Arie. I've been around the block a bit and can tell you exactly who Arie is. Arie is the kind of dude who feels most powerful and together when his woman neeeeeeeds him. When she's just a scared little doe. How do I know this? GIRL. He's about to show you on this date with Heidi Montag and also HE'S STILL DATING A 22 YEAR OLD AND HE'S 36 MOTHERFUCKING YEARS OLD.
“I’m super attracted to Heidi Montag," he says. "Even though I don’t know much about her, spending time with her makes me really really happy.” DIRECT QUOTE. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT YOU, YOU MAKE ME SO HAPPY. They walk the streets of Paris in silence, because who needs to talk when your man just wants you to be some vision in his head?. Now Heidi Montag's romper really is stuck up her ass (metaphorically).
Look, maybe Heidi Montag knows exactly what she's doing with this wide eyed silent shit because he's falling all over himself for her. He's says, direct quote, "I have a crush on you, I want you to like me," and she's all <<small smile>> LOL WELL PLAYED. He continues working hard for it at dinner, boi loves the chase. He loves it so much he tells all of America the first real, authentic, true thing about himself EVER when he divulges his most serious relationship was with a woman with two kids, who he lived with, who he knocked up, who miscarried his baby while he was off racing cars, who then told him to get the fuck out because he was racing cars instead of helping her raise all these damn children.
(That last part I extrapolated but I feel very confident if we called her up we'd get the truth, which would be, "Arie wanted to be a dad, but only when it was convenient for him, which is not actual parenting. He said that all the right things, but then like, NEVER DID ANYTHING.")
Arie reveals this whole story and you can tell it's heavy for him. I'm not sure he fully understands why it's heavy, and I know Heidi Montag doesn't either because she just says, "that's hard." LOL HEIDI. She reveals she has a broken engagement in her past and tears up over it and I'm like, somebody show Heidi some real problems, but Arie is like, yes, cry cry cry, come to daddy, I'm here. He loves being the fixer / hero / reassurer. He says he finds her amazing – which is hilarious because, like he said, he knows nothing about her.
HEIDI MONTAG GETS A ROSE.
The girls wander the streets of Paris and like THEY CANNOT BELIVE THAT'S THE MOULIN ROUGE OVER THERE. Bitch, you are in Paris. Where'd you think you were going, to get Le Big Mac? These fools are all squee squee squee because they've seen the movie with Nicole Kidman. Raven 2.0 asks if they're gonna get to see Aleksandr Petrovsky's art installation too????? SQUEEEEEEE.
Time for the girls to, you guessed it, learn some choreography. Seinne is a dancer so she's excited to show off her stuff. Manic Pixie Bekah loves everything all the time because she loves adventure because she's 22. Who is this other blonde girl? Is it a Lauren? No idea. Imma call her Jessica Wakefield. (RIGHT?) Unfortunately Raven 2.0 is more comfortable in the swamp than the dance floor.
It's time to put our girls into thongs and prance them about. Young Bekeh is THRILLED about her costume. Old Becca says:
Has the difference between 22 and 27 ever been demonstrated so succinctly?!?
The girls trot about across the stage in their thongs for Arie and only a couple of them have enough sense to be embarrassed about it. And, you guys, Arie is gonna pick someone to perform with him on stage tonight at the Moulin Rouge!!! LOL, GIRL, I am throwing this date in the trash as quickly as possible. But the sister wives do their best to charm him and get chosen for the grand prize.
Arie strokes Raven 2.0’s leg and she wipes her lipstick off his lips. Seinne gives a speech to him in French, which is sad because like clearly she’s not in the running. GIRL GO BACK TO STANFORD AND GET YOU A DUDE WITH AN IVY LEAGUE DEGREE WHO’S INVENTING AN APP OR SOME SHIT. Bekah's tactic is to show up in a crazy outfit and just continue to be enthusiastic as fuck and slurp on his face. She’s got on like a 90s choker from a haunted mansion with a bustier and then a sparkling lampshade of a skirt that makes her look a little pregs. Her hair must be so easy to style. I mean she literally has my mom’s haircut. But no matter, BEKAH GETS THE ROSE and they slap a blonde wig on her and send her down to prance because, as you know, blondes have more fun.
I'm so embarrased.
None of the girls like watching Bekah and Arie on stage. NEITHER DO I. Bekah flips out about how amazing it all was and is going nuts and I thought it was weird af until I remembered she’s 22 and has probably never even had to pluck a whisker out of her neck yet, she’s seen nothing the world has to offer.
Blah blah the producers and editors work hard to make this 2:1 with Taxidermy and Viriginia Slims seem really dramatic. They even make Taxidermy get lost in a fucking hedge maze for our enjoyment.
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED???
KRYSTAL WEARS AN ACTUAL CRYSTAL AROUND HER NECK while she tries to intimidate Taxidermy. This is the most amazing thing that happens other than Arie giving the rose to Taxidermy and being like "bye" and leaving Virginia Slims at the dinner table. Taxidermy eats Arie’s face on the top of the Eiffel Tower, which is just so tacky because everyone knows that the Eiffel Tower is "Hideous. Just Hideous!" (Hope you got that SATC reference because that was BALLER.)
: : : Then there’s a commercial for Redi Whip featuring Kaitlyn and Shawn and I’m like, WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE DO TO HER FACE? I didn’t even recognize her. Are we sure it’s her? Reveal your sparrow tattoos to me, woman. : : :
This show has been on forever, are we really going to have to watch another 1:1?
There are a few sneaky bitches we’ve never seen and Arie’s about to go on a date with one of ‘em. Arie’s driving some little roadster around. She says when she got the date card she felt like she got a pony for Christmas. Their car breaks down. IS THIS A METAPHOR.
They go shopping. She has to try on outfits for him. I for real would be so creeped out if my dude wanted me to twirl around and show him outfits. He says “I love how I’m making your Paris dream come true.” Fucking men. He says at the beginning he thought she was too smart for him. RUN, GIRL. Men being threatened by women is the damn worst. This bitch says she wants to get a PhD. Uh, with just a pit stop on the bachelor? WHAT THE FUCK. She tells him she likes him a lot and just wants to be with him. What does that mean? Like she’s done with the PhD now? When this bitch shows up on the Bachelor Winter Games I’m going to be so annoyed. I like her hair though.
JAQUELINE GETS A ROSE AND SLURPS HIS FACE RIGHT UP.
ROSE CEREMONY (I HOPE, SO TIRED)
And then with like no fanfare, former villian, single mom Chelsea gets her ass sent home. Also going home is Jessica Wakefield, who we’ve never met. And then, over in the corner, there's Heidi Montag crying to a producer about how difficult it all is, wah, and next week we're off to Tuscany! Au revoir, mon cheries!