MARTHA AND ME
On Friday, March 5, 2004, Martha Stewart was found guilty of felony charges of conspiracy, obstruction of an agency proceeding, and making false statements to federal investigators. Nearly a year later, Stewart was released following a six-month term in prison and placed in a two-year term of supervised release. She was placed in home confinement with electronic monitoring for her first five months at home.
Here are the highlights of those five months from the diary of the electronic bracelet.
March 5, 2005 - “Met Martha today. Can I just say she has exquisite ankles? Very comfortable fit. I think we’re going to get along together. She seems really nice. I was a big fan of her show and honestly, I was worried that prison would harden her, but she seems really down to Earth and just happy to be home. Looking forward to working with her.”
March 17, 2005 - “It’s St. Patrick’s Day. So proud of Martha today. I’ve spent a lot of time with women who can’t hold their liquor, and she was just a woman of grace on this typical day of drinking. She spent it alone, though, so that was kind of sad. I wanted to give her a hug, but I don’t have arms, so I just gave her ankle a hug like I always do.”
April 2, 2005 - “The Pope died today, but he was super old, so it wasn’t too much of a surprise. Still sad. Martha seemed okay. Gave her an ankle hug.”
April 24, 2005 - “Martha had trouble sleeping last night. I asked her if it was because the Pope died and she said no. She said she’s been having nightmares that after she takes me off her ankle she’ll have cankles. I said I would never let that happen. She also said her back has been bothering her. I told her I noticed that she’s been sleeping on her stomach and she should be sleeping on their back or their sides. I gave her the number for my chiropractor. I didn’t tell her it was Dr. Dre. He punched his producer in the face, so he has his problems -- but we talked through it in our time together. I’m not sure if he’s an actual accredited doctor but actually really is a good chiropractor.”
May 15, 2005 - “I asked Martha if she wanted to see the new Star Wars movie. She said she did, but then I forgot she was under house arrest. (Duh.) I told her I knew someone who could get her a screener copy, but she said she wasn’t that interested in seeing it. I just want to see how it ends!”
June 30, 2005 - “Martha seemed really down today. I asked her if it was because the Pope died and she said no. She said she wished she would’ve done things differently and she hopes that she will be able to get her brand and her reputation back. I told her I understand how hard it must be for her at this time in her life, but I don’t fully understand because I’m an electronic ankle bracelet and she’s a human being. Played that new Daniel Powter song ‘Bad Day’ for her (‘you had a bad day, you’re taking one day, you sing a sad song just to turn it around’). It’s so much better than that Fuel song ‘Bad Day’ (‘had a bad day again, she said she would not understand’). I keep mixing the two up. Anyway, it seemed to lift up her spirits a little. She has a beautiful smile. She should go back to modeling.”
July 3, 2005 - “Hell froze over last night, as Roger Waters reunited with the remaining members of Pink Floyd to perform together again. I never thought I’d see the day that the classic lineup of Pink Floyd would reunite, and unfortunately I didn’t see it -- because Martha decided she wanted to watch a repeat of Grey’s Anatomy instead. You know, she and I get along well enough, but sometimes I just don’t get her. She probably just wants to see that hunky McDreamy character. Ellen Pompeo is such a gifted actress. Love her.”
July 20, 2005 - “Martha has been reading the new Harry Potter book to me and it is so good. She should seriously be a professional narrator. Her voice is expressive but not too expressive. Well, not very expressive at all, really. Sort of monotone. But she has a way of speaking that makes me have to imagine how the characters would actually sound. I can’t wait to find out who the Half-Blood Prince is. Today was a good day.”
August 5, 2005 - “I never thought this day would come. These last five months have been amazing with Miss Stewart and I didn’t want to leave this morning. I even asked her if I could stay on another month. She didn’t laugh. Being an electronic monitor is a tough job and it’s easy to get attached to someone when you’re with them 24/7. Got word who my next assignment is: Paris Hilton. I hear she has a TV show, too. I don’t watch it, but hope she’s as classy as Martha was. (sigh) Martha.”
The full diary of Martha Stewart’s electronic ankle monitor -- called “Martha and Me” -- will be published in May, just in time for Mother's Day.