YEAH MMM I LOVE THAT (BACHELOR RECAP)
Remember how I told you about that time I matched with Arie on Bumble and GIRL, WHAT A BULLET I DODGED, AMIRITE?!
Poor poor, Arie. I mean, what a dummy. Here's the thing about Arie, he's a dummy who doesn't know he's a dummy. He thinks he's "sensitive" and like "emotional" and like "listening" but Arie is actually just a dude who is undercover selfish and narcissistic. Yes, the show sets up the lead to be selfish--it's all about them finding their truest love at any cost. But dude, Arie is still a guy who says things like:
"I loved seeing your reaction when I told you I loved you.”
I, no kidding, have the heebie jeebies all over. And if you don't, you should, because a statement like that is all about power and control masked as love and sincerity. GAHHHHHROSS. You guys, that's not love. That's a person trying to figure out their place in the world and being a narcissist.
BUT WHO CARES, WE ARE HERE FOR IT!
We're entering the final stretch and if those Bachelor spoilers are accurate, next week is going to make all the boring hell we've been through worth it. Fingers crossed, my lovelies! But this week Arie still has to bone all the sister wives and tell them he loves them all while being overshadowed by a frat boi named Ross. How much do we love poor confused Ross? THE MOST. Let Ross woo Tia. BAM I'M A MATCHMAKER YOU'RE WELCOME.
I mean who thought at the beginning Taxidermy would ever make it to the fantasy suites? Tbh, I thought she was just another bitch in a shark costume.
Will they bone? Let’s find out.
Kendall bursts from her Uber Black onto the Peruvian desert and straight into Arie's arms. She mounts him with the confidence of a woman who's never weighed more than like 100 pounds. He tells her they're going to dune buggy and she’s like, yay, this is so fun! NOPE. This is dirty and loud and OMG THEY'RE NOT EVEN LETTING ARIE DRIVE AND THAT'S LIKE HIS ONE THING.
Arie tells us, "Dune buggy-ing is like a relationship, there’s ups and downs and it’s scary but also exciting." He literally says that. And next time my kid tries to blow off his homework because he's going to be a race car driver who doesn't need an education, I'm going to scream this clumsy, pitiful metaphor into the ether until they carry me off to the looney bin. I mean, WHAT MUST ARIE'S MOTHER BE THINKING?
Anyway, these two idiots just laugh and laugh at each other. And we're all sitting on our couches at home like, uh, I don't get it? They go to their evening date and Arie’s scared of the Peruvian food. Literally he says “I don’t know if I trust it.” ARIE SO WHITE, A RETROSPECTIVE is going to be the name of my next art installation made up entirely of Arie gifs.
Kendall says her past boyfriends collected her like she collects taxidermy and plays ukulele—as a novelty! Arie says, girl, I'm okay with taxidermy now! How big of him. She tells him she’s falling in love with him, he says it back, and now that all the required utterances have been uttered it's TIME TO BONE. We leave them making out on the bed. We wake up in bed and he carries her around the fantasy suite and makes her eggs just like A MAN does. And we can only hope after she sees this edit and how she clearly was never the one that she utters, "But if you weren't in love with me, why did you MAKE LOVE to me?" cause if there's anyone who needs some slut shaming it's Arie "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU" Luydenky. (too lazy to look up correct spelling of his last name sorry not sorry.)
These two are a snoozefest. Lauren can barely eek out a small smile and looks constipated and pinched and angry all the time. He seems uncomfortable as fuck around her, which makes him want her even more. Men! We literally have never seen one moment of their connection, they never really look happy together or like they're having fun, I mean WHAT IS HAPPENING LET'S MARRY THESE TWO PLAIN BAKED POTATOES TO EACH OTHER IMMEDIATELY.
They have a conversation where he responds to everything she says with "yeah." He says "yeah" ELEVEN times. I went back and counted. She wants him to tell her she’s the only one so he tells her he loves her and leaves out the part where he's gonna tell the next girl he loves her too and most likely boned Taxidermy last night. No worries! Lauren says he’s been so supportive of her and she couldn’t ask for anything more. I mean, you could ask for a dude who dated you monogamously before you got engaged? LOLZ BUT THIS IS WAY MORE FUN.
A terrible LeeAnn Rimes cover of How Do I Live plays as Lauren and Arie make out in the fantasy suite and it's high romance on this one, the producers want us to GET THERE. So we just have to watch them exchange kisses forever. They move to the bed to kiss some more.
It's the morning and I'M SHOOK. Without make up on, awash in post coital bliss, Lauren looks even more like Heidi Montag. He tells her “I feel so much closer to you now," and “That felt good.” EWWWWWWW and I'm dead. He wears the dorkiest dad socks and baby voices an “I love you” when they say goodbye and dear god, no one deserves each other more that these two. Repopulate the earth with your bland minions Lauren and Arie! We need more people to shop at The Gap and use brunch as a verb!
Ohhhhhhh girl, Becca used to date a beefy frat boi with protein shake farts and all the hair gel. Becca is 27 so according to my math, old girl started dating Ross when she was 19. As a girl who married and divorced her college sweetheart I can say with authority RUN BECCA RUN. Except, don't you kind of want it to work out for these two crazy kids? Especially after she was like "You want your life to be like the Notebook," and he's like "Yeah, I do." LOLZ.
Before the gift of Ross arrives, Arie and Becca go on a date where they bland all over each other. On a boat, in a tent, their date is so boring I’m looking at Caboodles on the Urban Outfitters website and I’m like DO I WANT A CABOODLE. At dinner Becca is serving 90s Mall Rats eleganza. The hair, the choker, the berry lip stain, the cut of that velvet dress--it’s like she’s giving me Brenda Walsh / Winona Ryder realness and she’s the one who needs the Caboodle.
She tells him about the moment she knew she loved him. She was staring at the clouds (of course.) “I do. Like I do love you,” she says. That sentence feels so very 90s too. LOL. Then he says he’s in love with her and they make out and he moans everywhere. www dot heebie jeebie dot com.
Final thoughts on tent fest:
- Where is the bathroom
- They wake up in their tent and make out and Arie's got his arm in the air and what is on Arie’s arm? A WING? A wing tattoo on the inside of his arm???
Becca's ex bf is in Peru and they're filming this shit all Hard Copy style and it's hilarious. He’s like, I don’t want to be on camera, like the producers didn’t bring him there and tell him what to expect. He says that he’s come for his girl and that they’re soulmates.
Ross bangs on Arie’s door and Arie’s like, sure come on in and sit down. Ross is like, look Arie, let me tell you about my flight and the five hour drive I took to get here and, dude, this is not TripAdvisor, stay focused!
Arie’s tells Ross very seriously, Becca and I told each other we love each other, just FYI. He leaves out the part where he told another chick this too, LOL. Arie's like, respect my 7 week relationship, brah! And Ross is like, respect my 7 year relationship, brah! And I'm sitting there praying, please fight like Hugh Grant and Colin Firth in Bridget Jones and just flail all over but then I realize that Ross will beat the shit out of Arie and that's just frown emoiji.
Arie says this is the “unclassiest” and that Ross has huge balls or he is crazy. When Becca sees Ross she's like "uh, whut." He gives a speech. He quotes the great Sinead O’Connor: “Nobody compares to you, Becca.” He says he thought it needed to be something big. And she’s like, I feel like you live your life like it’s a movie. And she’s the one on TV! An entire dissertation could be written about the meta-ness of all of this.
Is it wrong I’m rooting for them?
He says he thought he would come there and she would agree. And she’s like, I don’t know why you would think that. Ross says he has no business being there and then lurks in the courtyard just to make sure. God, I love him. I wish I was one of their friends getting the "did you hear about fucking Ross" texts right now. Eventually the producers cart him off to start the arduous trek home.
Becca is shook. Arie is shook. They make out.
Honestly, I totally forgot we were having a Rose Ceremony, it was so clear Kendall was going home. Arie says after sharing overnight dates it's really going to be hard to stand in front of these three women. Lol, they’ve got a horse tied up over yonder. Were the producers too broke for a llama??? And then it's mostly just the horse's ass in the shot, so then I understand this is a metaphor.
Arie pulls Kendall aside to dump her in non rose ceremony fashion. Wah, she’s sad. The saddest violins play. Kendall bemoans the fact that she couldn’t “get there." What’s wrong with her??? she cries. GIRL, who falls in love with a dude on a TV show after like a month when he’s dating 30 other people. Like maybe this isn’t on you, go stuff a rat and calm down.
We're left with our love triangle: Lauren, Arie, and Becca. They stand by the horse and look at the sunset. What's more uncomfortable--standing with your boyfriend and your sister wife watching the sunset in Peru or watching a three hour long season finale??? CANNOT. WAIT.