BEST PICTURE? GIRL, I DON'T KNOW.
The Oscars are THIS SUNDAY! It's my favorite event of the year. I love the dresses, the goof-ups, ALLLLLL OF IT. There are NINE movies in the running for best picture this year. At this point you've probably seen at least a couple. Maybe you're working on seeing everything before the show this weekend? Maybe you're going to try to see them after?
I've seen ... most of them ... with my husband ... here's our review of each movie. I've got a selfie review so you can see how each of us feels about the movie ... and then a little rant from me ... ENJOY!
The Shape of Water
A lady falls in love with a fish man. A man falls in love with discount Valentine's Day Candy at Target. All of this can happen. All of it is entertaining. All of it reminds me that I might have a tiny little crush on Michael Shannon. WHAT! I love me a bad guy ... even one with rotting fingers. ALSO? This movie reminds me that these fools remaking Splash had better not fuck it up. SPLASH IS THE BEST! I liked The Shape of Water a lot ... it's like Amelie ... but American and in a bathtub. Is it the BEST picture of the year though? Girl, I don't know. I just don't know.
The Darkest Hour
Yeah. You really are gonna have a dark couple of hours if you go see this mess. LORD. OK. OK. OKAYYYY. Sorry. We're having dinner with our family and can't watch this movie. When we're done with that we'll be walking our twin pet gold fish, washing the car, learning Thai, and on a silent meditation retreat until the end of time. The only Winston Churchill is John Lithgow from The Crown (who upon last googling has yet to be charged with sexual assault). Also. I'm tired of WWII. I can't with that mess anymore.
Hi. We're never seeing this movie. First? Aren't we already watching an all out assault on common decency and love and kindness ON THE REGULAR? Why do I need to pay $15 to watch these old British dudes fight on a giant screen. Give me some HAHA's Hollywood. Preferably some HAHA's from Tiffany Haddish. ALSO? I can't forgive Kenneth Branagh for leaving Emma Thompson for HELENA BONHAM CARTER back in the 90s. I won't watch his movies. Emma is my queen. BYE DUNKIRK. I SAID BYE. Quit playin'
I think Andy says it all here. I have nothing else to say. Well, except this man is a cobbler who makes pretty boring movies. Maybe make a movie about shoes, my dude. OR ... just go make a few shoes for a spell and think about what you've done. These UK folks are constantly trying to make you watch a bunch of white people problems for hours and hours on end. We got enough of that over here. At least our white people don't live in estates and ride through the countryside sipping Earl Grey and shit. What a mess. Damn. Now I'm desperate for a little Earl Grey.
Three Billboards . . .
Yeah. OK. There are some troubling moments in this movie FO SHO, but Frances McDormand is so great in it ... you forgive a lot. Her performance killed my husband. This skeleton is all that is left of him after watching the movie. This movie is shocking in a variety of ways, but mostly in a ... WTF ... this is not real this would never happen. Have I mentioned that these UK dudes are always making up crazy shit and we just spoon it up like a bunch of dummies?
REAL TALK. This is probably the best movie of 2017. It's a good movie. It comments on the shit happening in our lives in a real ass way. It made me think. Why can't ACTUAL GOOD (read: entertaining) MOVIES win best picture? Like are you really going to sit here and tell me Dunkirk was better than this movie? How about a mute lady sleeping with a fish man in a bathtub (a movie that I really liked a lot)? It's ridiculous that the Academy ... WHOEVER THEY ARE ... don't give more GOOD MOVIES a shot at this award. I love this movie, it scared the shit out of me. 10/10 will see again.
Aiiiight. This movie is not NEWS, like we know this story, or maybe not ... either way ... It's super important given current WHITE HOUSE situation. Meryl is a gift, a goddess, a marvel, she's magic ... always ... and this movie is no exception. Oh, yeah, also ... shout out to Tom Hanks (GIRL PLEASE MAKE MORE MOVIES WE LOVE YOU). But like......... this movie feels like The Greatest Generation hollering at me about shit again. If it's not WWII they wanna scream atchu about something else. PS. Y'all gave us the Donald. How about you make a bomb ass movie about how you hate gun control, refuse to believe climate science, and keep breaking everything. DEEP SIGH. The movie gave me a tiny little speck of hope. Everything is going to work out, it's a long slow process. BUT. The sun is gonna rise. Gross. I can't believe I just said that, let me go work on believing it.
Call Me by Your Name
This movie was fine. I mean a dude fucked a peach in it, so it's at least groundbreaking in the produce department. These two didn't have chemistry though ... not until they let go and got their gay on. If I didn't go in knowing it was a gay movie I would have screamed when they finally made out (19 hours into the movie PS) ... because it sure did feel like it came out of NOWHERE. There's a speech at the end from the dad that is nice, but mostly this movie was boring and I wish there were more bare naked ass from Armie Hammer. ARMIE, WHO ... BTW ... looks 35 in this movie ... which is why I kept thinking WHAT ARE THESE TWO DOING. Fine. You guys. I hate this movie. I'm supposed to be excited because my people got a story on screen and I'm not ... because this is a BS movie. I'm sure it's a good book. As a movie? Nah. Try again.
I love this movie so much. Lauie Metcalf is the greatest of all time I love her so much I might throw up right now. I can't say anything else except you have to go see this movie. Now, leave me alone, I have to go call my mom.