WHEN A WIG ATTACKS (RHOA RECAP)
Barcelona! I went there once and I was only 19 and the first thing I did was go to a bar and order a margarita and they were like that’s not us and I was out of my league.
Barcelona airport! Shamea is there! Porsha says “Muy bien nachos”! NeNe’s boob pops out!
They get on a Mercedes bus and but can’t check in to their hotel until later, so Cynthia takes them on a drive around the city and passes out a “50 Cynt Bucket List” with a bunch of lame ass things on it that are supposed to “wild” and “fun” and “not boring as shit” such as eat a foreign delicacy, pinch a man’s butt, dance in public, and mock one of your friends by adopting her personality for the day. Marlo says that she can’t be Kandi because Kandi is too dry and then she offers Kandi etiquette classes on how to be more friendly and interesting. Marlo is wrong and also I love you, never change.
Shamea asks why Kim and Kenya aren’t coming even though 110% she already knows. NeNe says Kim can’t come because she’s had every single illness ever in the world, such as cancer, thyroids, blot clots, stroke, and open heart surgery. Technically we all have thyroids, but OK. And, to be fair, Kim said that she was 90% sure that she had cancer but then didn’t.
Then Cynthia tells Eva that it’s her time to talk and Eva is like, “No, I’m good.” Eva tells us that she deals with catty women by having a Zoolander face.
They go to a nice hotel for lunch. They do a photo shoot on the balcony and Eva blows them all out of the water by serving a smize-find-her-light-does-not-lose-her-neck-no-man-hand combo platter.
During lunch, Kandi announces that NeNe is MCing the Xscape tour doing stand-up. I bet the NeNe has a tight five all about how much Porsha sucks. Shamea asks Eva about her boyfriend but that’s just the wind up for the pitch, which is the follow-up question, “Is your boyfriend OK with you dating women?” WHAT IS IT WITH THIS SHOW AND THE HOMOSEXUAL PANIC? Who gives a literal shit if a person dates more than one gender? But I guess it’s shocking enough to throw us to commercial.
So a blog once said that Eva dated Missy Elliot, which I’m not even mad I’m impressed. Then this made me remember Missy Elliot’s amazing reality show where she made the contestants ride on a disgusting tour bus and she judged them while seated, sucking on a lollipop, flanked by two gorgeous women. And people who were kicked off the show were literally left on the side of the road while the bus drove away. It was amazing #bringitback.
So then Eva is like, “I did date a woman once and what.” Then talk goes to whether they should add having a lesbian experience to the bucket list, and Cynthia says that she’s willing to have Kandi go down on her. Kandi says that we’ll all know the second she does go down on Cynthia because then Cynthia will start defending Kandi crazy style the way she defends Will. Kandi is so happy with her joke, look at this face:
Eva apologizes to Cynthia for making the Essence party a little messy by bringing up Will’s girlfriend. Then there’s this really boring back and forth about whether Cynthia can trust Porsha because Porsha tells her that her man is cheating on her every six seconds. Porsha’s feelings are hurt because Cynthia remembers what Porsha does and says.
Back on the bus, we talk about teabagging. Cynthia doesn’t do it. NeNe says you have to lick it every now and then, and Kandi believes it is mandatory. Good to know.
They go check out Las Sagrada Familia which is just like the most beautiful church ever. Cynthia says that it’s too late for them to get into the church. So instead – Shamea dances?
And no one tips her.
Finally, the sun is down and they get to their villa! I gotta say, if I flew all day to Spain and then got bussed around the city for like six hours I would be OVER IT. I am impressed by how relaxed these women are right now. The villa owner looks like Ron Weasley I don’t trust it, please run.
Also, this villa has a giant lip pillow. RUN.
Cynthia says that it looked better online. Kandi got the best room in the villa and then systematically fights each of the women to keep this room. She kicks out Porsha and Sheree, and won’t back down even when NeNe calls a group meeting to try to shame Kandi into giving up the nice room. NeNe says that the “mature” women should get the penthouse bedrooms and Kandi says, “I put balls in my mouth. So no.” They keep pushing her until she sings “And I’m Telling You” from Dreamgirls and NeNe finally gives up.
They all change into pjs for dinner. Shamea’s pajamas have knee holes and Porsh’s has a rhinestone bra. You…packed those things? OK.
Then Shereé comes in and they decide to call Kim and work her into a lather. Shereé tells her what NeNe said about her being sick as shit all the time. Porsha then congratulates Kim on being a cancer survivor and Kim is like that is not me watch me freak out and eat my own head.
So then Kim goes nuclear and talks about Nene parking in a handicapped spot and goes looking for that video Brielle took of roaches in NeNe’s home. Kim’s home server must have a folder called “Receipts.”
At dinner, Marlo sets out a tiara for Kim and a wig for Kim. The producers give the wig a title card and now I’m dead.
At dinner, the girls keep referring to NeNe as an “elder” and NeNe does the prayer before dinner and prays to God to remind the women that she goes 0 to 100 and she wants them all dead. They start talking about Marlo vs. Kandi but then Kim sends out a group text that takes over the whole episode.
Back in Atlanta, Kim has decided to dedicate the rest of her day to transmitting NeNe receipts to the globe. These include video of roaches in NeNe’s bathroom and her car parked in a handicap spot. The girls are shook.
NeNe’s reaction to this is “FUCK KIM.” And then she starts railing she hard she can’t even keep her eyes open. It’s like she’s been possessed by the spirit of hating.
NeNe rants about how Kim is a whore and disgusting bald headed bitch. And, say what you want, but it takes some talent to ruin dinner on a whole other continent.