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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

THE BIG ROTTEN APPLE (RHOBH RECAP)

THE BIG ROTTEN APPLE (RHOBH RECAP)

There’s no better cliché than some small town gals moving to the Big Apple with dreams in their heads and hope in their hearts, only to be spat out a little while later with drug habits and distasteful tattoos. And though Beverly Hills isn’t technically a small town, the RHOBH sure acted the part. They arrived in New York City ready to take on the world and ended last night’s episode, drunk and weeping in the rain, threatening to take cabs (gasp!) back to the hotel. They found their new low.

It all starts innocently enough. The women are very excited for the Bella Magazine party tonight because Bella is featuring Dorit on the cover. Bella has also featured Lisa VP on the cover so you can rest assured my Jewel-Osco coupon catalogue is more prestigious than Bella.

Kyle meets Teddi and Camille for breakfast and they fill her in on how Dorit was running her mouth at the previous night’s dinner about Lisa VP being needy and jealous of Dorit’s friendships and about Kyle finding it “weird” that Erika left Teddy’s beach house early.

Kyle is incensed by Dorit’s betrayal and will stop at nothing to confront her about this. But Dorit is one step ahead of Kyle. She takes Lisa on a walk in Central Park and admits to Lisa that she may have insinuated to the other girls that Lisa was upset and feeling neglected. This is a half-truth because Dorit didn’t reveal all the smack she talked about Lisa. Lisa scolds her in an adorable British school marm kind of way and they move on...for now.

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Meanwhile, Erika Jayne and her ghost writer visit their publisher’s office. All the bookish people seemed to have gotten glammed up for Ms. Jayne, and why not. When you’re in the presence of club music royalty, you get a blowout. I will buy Erika’s book on the basis of nothing more than to get deeper insight into her marriage to a 900-year old man.

Then we move to a montage of all the women getting their hair and makeup done and I can literally watch this for the rest of the season. They each have “their people” with them, and those people are unbridled sycophants who are also going to release tell-alls about all the plastic surgery and cocaine they saw while working for these Heauxs. Maybe Erika’s publisher will bite. Erika and her appendage, Mikey, are assembling an outfit for the party that they call Babydoll Hooker and it’s the most tasteful thing any housewife is wearing.

Lisa visits Kyle in her room and Kyle tells Lisa that Dorit has been talking true smack about her. Lisa is hurt and surprised but doesn’t want to address it on Dorit’s big night, if you can call a Bella Magazine party a big night. I think I had a bigger night when I ate an entire shrimp ring and watched 6 episodes of Law and Order: SVU but there’s no accounting for taste.

All the ladies meet at the magazine party and they are getting completely tanked. Most of these women do not eat, so two drinks in and they’re like Paula Abdul doing anything.

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Kyle is having such a good time that she decides to air her grievances with Dorit right there. She calls Dorit a liar and a hypocrite and Dorit is like “Ah can’t baleeeeve she is ruining mah big night.” Everyone runs off crying and Dorit threatens to take a cab home. At that point, Lisa VP intervenes and offers to take Dorit home even though she’s upset with her.

This is beyond the pale for Kyle, who has been nothing but loyal to Lisa VP and thinks Lisa holds her to a higher standard than Dorit. (true). She accuses Lisa of disloyalty, as they all agree to board their limo bus, so no one has to take a dreaded cab.

Back at the hotel, Teddy tries to have Lisa VP and Kyle reconcile but they’re two hysterical hyenas with false lashes howling at each other, so reconcilliation is a non starter. The best part of the episode is Lisa Rinna drunk at the party yelling over and over “What’s the issue? What’s the issue? What’s the issue...” She may be drunk, but the question is valid. What is the stupid issue everyone’s fighting over? Also where’s the Xanax?

THINGS WE LOVE ABOUT THE OLYMPICS: WHITE TIGERS AND JOHNNY WEIR EDITION

THINGS WE LOVE ABOUT THE OLYMPICS: WHITE TIGERS AND JOHNNY WEIR EDITION

PRESS ON NAILS ARE BACK, BITCH

PRESS ON NAILS ARE BACK, BITCH