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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

EVA PIGFORD ARRIVES (RHOA RECAP)

EVA PIGFORD ARRIVES (RHOA RECAP)

The show kicks off with Porsha meeting up with her plant-based personal chef. She’s been vegan for two months and she tells us that now it’s easy and doesn’t mention that’s because she’s paying another person to cook all her meals for her.

The personal chef invites Porsha to chop an onion and as she does it her boobs try to escape, watch them run.

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Kim comes over to eat plants with Porsha, and Kroy drops her off because I guess she put a spell on him. I mean, there’s love and then there’s this co-dependent mess. Kim walks in with her red solo cup and I guess it’s your thing but also stop it. She’s also carrying…diapers?

Kim says that being vegan is too hard for her because she likes cheese and wine. And my first thought was “wine IS vegan you dumb shit” but then I did some Googling and most wine is not vegan and Kim just taught me something. I hate the way I feel right now.

Porsha tells Kim about the Kenya freak out in Houston. They go back and forth talking about how Kenya is the whole worst and the personal chef is like, “Is this woman coming over to dinner tonight too? No? Then it’s weird how much you’re talking about her.”

Kim eats the vegan food and says, “This is good as shit.” She asks for a plate that she can bring out to Kroy WHO IS CURRENTLY JUST SITTING IN THE CAR IN THE DRIVEWAY. I’m dying. Kim is for sure The Purple Man.

Kandi and Ace go to meet the Kandi-Coated Crew who are putting together her Essence cover party. You guys Ace with his enormous hat that he wears the same way Todd wears his I’m not going to make it through this episode alive it’s too cute I’m dead tell my family I love them.

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Kandi tells her employees to invite Porsha to the party so Porsha can experience Kandi’s glow-up first hand. DonJuan is like fine but you know that bitch is going to hug you.

Lakehouse, where Cynthia is making sushi for Will. Will shows up with his red pants and chocolate covered strawberries. They talk about the state of their relationship and I’m confused because Will seems to be trying to figure out if he is Cynthia’s boyfriend or what and Cynthia is trying to figure out if they’re actually dating or what. Like, you guys go on dates, you’re dating, you don’t need to define that aspect of the relationship. Cynthia SUCKS at this stuff. They make a sushi roll and it immediately unrolls and it’s a metaphor for this trash relationship please take it as such and move on with your lives.

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But they’re blind to metaphor, so instead of breaking up they go outside to eat pre-bought sushi. Will says that he wants to have a family and to focus on Cynthia and doesn’t like that she’s still on a dating site. But, um, Cynthia isn’t in “having a family” position right now. But we’re all going to go ahead and pretend that it’s a possibility that she could get pregnant at 50 and/or has any interest at all in adopting? OK SURE.

Will tells Cynthia that he wants her to date around but then come back to him when she’s ready to be with just him. Yeah, this guy is creepy weird. I don’t trust him because he just reacts to everything Cynthia says like, “Being cool with this will get me more screen time so COOL PERFECT YES.”

NeNe meets up with EVA MOTHERFUCKING PIGFORD.

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She’s pretending that her last name is Marcelle now but like the North remembers, it’s Pigford. I watched this woman on America’s Next Top Model where she was called Eva Pigford and had to do a photo shoot with a tarantula on her hand and she had a panic attack because WOULDN’T YOU but then took this picture and won Tyra’s favorite bitch of the week or whatever it was called.

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She then went on the win whole contest and was so good. She’s already lived through Tyra so she’s going to be amazing at this Real Housewives game, I promise.

Eva moved to Atlanta with her boyfriend, Michael, who’s running for mayor. And I was like, “That is impressive” and did a quick Google jk lol he dropped out of the race.

NeNe says that she met Eva years ago through their glam squads. Eva has a three year old named Marley who I’m setting up with Ace in my head. Eva makes her own medicine by burying garlic in the back yard and I mean, sure, but Tylenol is also right there.

Kenya goes to a fitness studio with the only person who can stand her, her cousin Che. She’s looking for a birthday present for Flat Baby Marc. She says that since she got married she’s not into drama and instead only wants to do things that will advance her relationship with her husband. You just got married, how much work do you have to do to advance your relationship? Like, usually just seeing each other and being decent is enough.

Kenya says that if she gets Flat Baby Marc a weight bench he’ll stay in Atlanta more often or like even for the first time. Kenya then sits on a rowing machine and gives a Ted Talk entitled “My Relationship is Trash But I Haven’t Noticed.”

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She says that being a wife is different from being a girlfriend because as a wife you always have to: 

  • Have your energy up
  • Be sexy
  • Keep the house together
  • Keep the travel schedule
  • Make sure you have washing powder
  • Take care of the dogs and make sure they’re walked
  • Take care of your husband make sure he likes the walk

I’ve thought about that last point A LOT in the past few days and I still can’t wrap my head around it. Is she saying that you have to make sure that your husband likes the route that you take your dogs on when you walk them? Or that walking your husband is a separate activity and you must ensure that not only does he take a walk with you but also really likes it? This shit is inscrutable.

Kenya wants Flat Baby Marc to move to ATL because it’s a better city for raising a baby. Her cousin is like, “But you don’t have a baby…” but Kenya ignores this and pushes on to say that she and Flat Baby Marc bought a car together and he wanted a stick shift and she didn’t want a stick shift but he won because he’s an alpha male and also a figment of her tortured imagination a la Tyler Durden.

She says “Marriage is a lot of work but I love my husband.” UGH. #freeKenya

Kandi’s Essence cover party! Porsha and Shamea show up looking great.

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Cameron and DonJuan don’t say hi to Porsha and she’s - hurt? The things that bother Porsha I legit do not understand.

Kandi arrives and I hate her dress. I think she looks good in it but I also think it is dumb as fuck and she would look better in something that was less like a costume out of Tron.

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Porsha hugs Kandi and Kandi wants to die. Kenya shows up and Cynthia says that the last time she saw Kenya she was choking on her exhaust pipe fumes.

NeNe and Eva drive over to the party together. Eva says that she met Will and his girlfriend at a cigar bar a few months ago. Meanwhile, back at the party Will tells Cynthia that he’s been single for 2-1/2 years.

Shereé and Eva and Kim and Marlo arrive and between Eva and Shereé the dress code for this party is open shirt barely hiding the nipple realness.

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Kandi gets on stage and Kim claps with a solo cup in her mouth it’s so trashy I love it.

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Todd gets on the mic and says that Kandi is a wonderful person because even Porsha is here. He actually says that! I laughed so hard. Todd does not forgive. They announce that Kandi just booked Chicago on Broadway. Kandi gets on the mic and starts tearing up, like you do at a party you throw for yourself about how great you are.

The women who aren’t Cynthia all talk about Will being a sack of shit. Kenya peels off to tell Cynthia and NeNe is like no this is my news I will tell her. They all go out to tell Cynthia. And I have to stop here to say that Kenya’s dress is giving me such anxiety you can’t do a bustier you have too much fake boob they’re going to pop out and you know it we’re all very nervous please just add in one little strap for my own piece of mind.

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Kenya takes Will aside to let him know that they know that he recently had a girlfriend. And then everyone is like, “I also want to be a part of this,” so it becomes a circle of everyone + Will. Will gets defensive and tells Cynthia that he doesn’t appreciate being ambushed. Dude, welcome to the show, I’m sure they write “for the ambush” in the memo line of your check.  

Will calls Eva over to tell her side. Eva says that she met him one time and he was with a woman who he called his girlfriend and she brings out receipts which I assume is a picture of all of them. And then Will does this creepy angry smile thing and thanks Eva for ruining his “perfect” relationship with Cynthia and for showing him that he has to be better and it’s bone-chilling.

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We end the episode with a cliff-hanger where Cynthia says that she wants to know when people have info about Will and Porsha is like, “Oh, shit, in that case here’s my Will-related bomb…” You mean something worse than being a fame-hungry cheating liar?

BRING OUT THE DIVAS (RPDR RECAP)

BRING OUT THE DIVAS (RPDR RECAP)

FEVER PITCH (RHOBH RECAP)

FEVER PITCH (RHOBH RECAP)