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Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

THAT WAS SNATCH GAME? (RPDR RECAP)

THAT WAS SNATCH GAME? (RPDR RECAP)

Excuse me while I type this from my fainting couch. This was a rough week for yours truly and especially for my girl, Trixie. We played the Snatch Game and it was not tight. In fact, this is one of the most disappointing Snatch Games in herstory.

The queens enter the workroom to Milk’s shady mirror message. This trend is not one I’m fond of —nothing makes you seem more petty than writing some bullshit on the mirror. This mirror bullshit reminds Kennedy that she hates Milk and distrusts anyone who has ever drank it. Ben reveals her titstick—it was Chi Chi. Chi Chi accepts it with a good spirit. Ben and Trixie discuss the elimination process, and Trixie points out that there is no agreed upon structure in place, which leads to sending people home because of personal issues. And yes, that’s what happened. But also, Milk acted like an asshole. She really shouldn’t have blabbed—it was thoughtless and rude, and she reaped what she sowed.

Ru comes in to announce the challenge: Snatch Game. Snatch Game is a great proving ground. But, herstorically, winning Snatch Game does not mean that you are going to win the crown. The only queens who’ve won Snatch Game and the crown are Jinxx, Alaska in All Stars 2, and Bob the Drag Queen. In those cases, the queen was the dominant player from the beginning. More often, the Snatch Game is a bright moment for a middle of the pack queen. Snatch Game is also a place for spectacular flameouts, last minute character changes, and sometimes ten minutes of cringing. We have confirmation bias about Snatch Game: we remember the good ones and forget the tens of queens who underperformed or just completely fucked it up.

Trixie is doing RuPaul and everyone thinks that’s a risky choice. They’re right. Trixie has a great RuPaul, but it works in short bursts. Meanwhile, Thorgy’s toxic energy proves to be the gift that keeps on giving. She left Trixie a note that called Shangela a shady bitch, and Shangela spies it and flips. Here’s to Thorgy, stirring shit up from beyond the grave. Shangela is a known player of headgames, and I feel certain that’s what is happening here. She is seeking to fuck with her biggest competitor. Trixie is puzzled by Shangela’s reaction, to such an extent that I consider the possibility that Trixie is playing games with Shangela right back. Kennedy feeds the beef, falling back into her old familiar mean girl persona.

Ru brings Marc Jacobs with him for his workroom excursion, perhaps because he wants a tiny, even meaner sidekick. Marc Jacobs is just v. over it all. He is bored as hell by all of this. He looks at Bebe’s Grace Jones outfit on the table, and when prodded to guess, says “Grace Jones?” with dripping contempt. Ru and Marc visit Shangela, who pulls what I consider to be a stunt with her Miss O’Cleo. I mean, her accent is 100 top o’ the morning to you. It sounds like a leprechaun took a shit in her mouth. Chi Chi cracks up so adorably during this that I fell in love with her all over again. Her other (and only) choice is Jenifer Lewis, whose very Marc Jacobs’ coat Shangela is wearing during her whole stunt. What am I trying to say? Shangela is fake, yo.

Kennedy is doing a Real Housewife of Atlanta, Phaedra Parks. Here’s a truth bomb: reality stars are not a good choice (except for Pearl’s Big Ang and Joslyn Fox’s Teresa Guidice--basically, only play Italian-American reality stars). (More truth: I only ever say cummin when talking about the spice. My mom thinks I’m hilarious.) I also don’t know who Phaedra Parks is. Full disclosure is what you expect of me.  

During makeup time, Trixie tries to make up with Shangela post note. Shangela accepts her apology, but reminds us in the cutaway, she is playing a game here. Did you forget she was playing a game? Don’t worry, she’ll remind you again. I’m also here to report that Shangela is spreading some FAKE NEWS when she says that she was crushed by the moment in her season when her “friends” turned against her. CHECK THE TAPE: THE HEATHERS WERE NEVER HER FRIENDS. Raja and Shangela had beef that originated from Shangela’s first time on the show, and that shit rolled right over into season three. Don’t believe me? Hit the microfiche and do your own research. Shangela also reminds us that she is a #grownwoman edit, and that season three Shangie would have fucked Trixie’s shit up. Man, she sure likes thinking about what season three Shangie would do. It’s almost like she’s fighting her true nature this whole damned time.

It’s time for Snatch Game! Already I am displeased by Carson and Michelle as the contestants. Ross would have been better. Trixie is right next to the real RuPaul, and she lands just one good joke. Just one. My heart breaks. Kennedy is Phaedra Parks and I still don’t know who that is. Ben is Paul Lynde, the hilarious and flamboyant personality from the 70s who was a man. Now, back in my day, it used to be a bit of a faux pas to do a man on Snatch Game, but I suppose Kennedy’s transcendent Little Richard broke that taboo. Ben is hilarious and she’s picked a hilarious celebrity who was best known for camping it up on game shows. This is a well oiled machine. Right next door is Chi Chi as Mya Angelou. This is really, really bad. This is as bad as Alyssa Edwards’ terrible Katy Perry. She can’t even spell her name right, and she whiffs a caged bird joke. Shangela is Jenifer Lewis and she’s good. She’s also more on her own script than being playful, but she’s good. Aja plays Crystal Labeija, a legendary queen of the ball scene and mother of the House of Labeija. Watch Paris is Burning already. She does a good job! Grace Jones possesses the stately lady body of Bebe and says so many profanities! Last and also least is Kristin Chenoweth. The real one. Yuck. No thanks! Why is this happening?

I’m serious: why is this happening? YMMV on Kristin Chenoweth (yuck) but love her or hate her, why is she here? This is more inexplicable than when Lisa Kudrow popped in for five seconds. It’s not good. I don’t like it.

Overall, Ben and Shangie dominate and everyone else coasts or bombs. Trixie plays RuPaul like a malfunctioning android. Shangela looks straight into the camera and tells me this is all my fault, for loving Trixie’s RuPaul impression on the internet. That is hurtful. Chi Chi’s Mya flounders, Kennedy is boring, as is Bebe’s Grace Jones. Aja nails the look and the characterization, and gets a few zingers off. But it’s Ben and Shangie all the way.

Elimination day. Kennedy mean girls all over the place, Chi Chi has perspective, and Trixie wanted to do well. Ben is super confident and pleased. Shangela has a problem with Ben’s niceness, constantly accusing Ben in her cutaways of being fake, of playing a game. Her insistence on this suggests that she is paranoid and incapable of genuine behavior herself. Let’s keep an eye on that, shall we?

There is a quick runway (quick runways blow. They should have left Chenoweth out and spent the time on the runway.)  The theme is flower power.

Aja is a daisy and quite beautiful: her makeup looks perfect. She almost looks like a religious icon.

Shangela does preggo flower Beyonce. People like this. I felt medium about it.

Bebe wears black flowers, and looks great.

Kennedy is a sunflower. Okay, who chooses a sunflower? That’s like the most boring flower.

Chi Chi is decked in lillies and looks pretty.

Trixie is in pink flower explosion with a parasol. I think she’s cute, but it is very Trixie Mattel.  

Ben comes out in an orchid dress and wins it all. This may be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Shangela and Ben win $1000 worth of ice cream. That seems like a lot of ice cream to me. The judging is okay, I guess. Aja and Bebe are safe, Chi Chi, Kennedy, and Trixie are in the bottom. Trixie admits that she is paralyzed by her fear and breaks down on the runway. Michelle and Chenoweth give her a pep talk. It’s pretty sad. She’s in her head, and perhaps stuck in the Adore All Star trap: she knows who she is but she can’t seem to show it on the show.

Deliberation is short (we’ve finally gone to hour episodes instead of the supersized ones) and the only news here is Trixie breaking down to the girls and feeling like she’s made herself even more vulnerable. Shangela talks to Trixie and gives her the most fake hug in the herstory of hugs. In the cutaway, Shangela wonders if Trixie is Jon Snow or Cersei (Shangela, YOU ARE THE CERSEI). She’s gonna ride this GoT metaphor straight into the ground.

Ben and Shangela lipsync to Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl,” an homage to one of the worst Snatch Game performances and funniest lines ever, when Ru asked Alyssa Edwards’ Katy Perry if she’d kissed a girl. “Never, Ru!” Alyssa said. Ru, feeling frustrated, said “Well, you ever fuck a black guy?” Pure magic. Both Shangie and Ben are dressed in similar outfits, although Ben’s clearly plays off her runway look. Shangie begins by grading papers for some damned reason, then takes her hair down weirdly. It’s Shangela, so there will be stunts, including stripping down to very ugly lingerie and rudely throwing Altoids at Ben. Ben is up for some stunts too, including forcible feigned fellatio and humping Shangela’s death dropped body. I think Ben definitely outperformed Shangie, but they both win and split the money. Ru reveals that they will each get to send a girl home, and Trixie knows her time has come.

Ben chooses Chi Chi to go home, which everyone feels good about, including Chi Chi. Shangela begins talking about the person she’s sending home, and it seems like my girl Trixie is bound for the elimination. But, when Shangela pulls the titstick, it’s Chi Chi. Trixie’s soul leaves her body for a second, and so does mine. Chi Chi is gracious.

Let’s talk for just one second about that Shangela trick. It was a pure power mode, and it shows what kind of player Shangela is: a mean one. She’s mean. You know who else is mean? Cersei. Now that Shangela has teabagged Trixie this way, what will happen? Will the oppressed rise up? I don’t know.

HOMETOWN HEAUXS (BACHELOR RECAP)

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