HOMETOWN HEAUXS (BACHELOR RECAP)
Listen, I love everybody, but if I have to see this dude drive again I'm gonna start screaming. I'm not a five-year-old. I know he's a race car driver. You don't have to open every episode with him driving for me. Is he applying for a job? Do race car drivers have to apply for a job? How does that work? Oh, great. Now I'm sidetracked. Is there an application you fill out? Do you have to provide a video of you driving cars? Maybe that's what this is about. Cool. Well, Arie, you've got at least 900 hours of footage of you behind the wheel of random cars. THOUGH ... we usually just see a car moving down a road and we don't see your smug little mug behind the wheel SO WHO IS DRIVING WHY AM I BEING LIED TO WHAT IS HAPPENING.
Thank goodness it's HOMETOWN WEEK ... so I can detract myself from all logic. It's fun to see these fools with their families, but like ... by the end I'm always left feeling a little cold.
SCREAMS. We start off in a giant room full of taxidermy. Who even knew that was a thing that could happen in LA. Well my dudes, obviously the answer to that question is Kendall. Now, I’m all for everybody to be 100% real and true to who they are and what they love, but nah girl. This is straight up COO COO TOWN. Taxidermy is a total deal breaker for me, and y'all know I am from Arkansas. I know about some country shit. This is a hot mess. This is some TV manipulation crap at it's ... finest. Finest doesn't seem like the right word to use here, but I know you feel me when I say WTF IS THIS MESS. STAHHHHHPITTTTT.
Men are garbage, so I think we can agree Kendall must have a MAGIC VAJAYJAY because you know dudes run from this kind of mess when they're not on the television. Sorry 'bout it but I just cannot believe this beige ass dude is loving this. They start off their date making taxidermy? Nope. I didn't have a stroke while typing. They are literally making white rats. They have the skin of rats and they are turning them into white rat mummies or some shit and now I have to breathe in a bag because WTF. If I didn’t have to write this recap for you I would pick up my TV and throw it out the window.
On their "date" (taxidermy torture) we learn Kendall has a twin sister. OF COURSE SHE DOES. Maybe twin sister will be into not being weird AF and they’ll run off together. I’ll start praying for that, and I'm not even sure God is real. Honestly! I don't understand. I keep trying to imagine a dude out in the wild putting up with something like this on a date. Their conversation is aiiiight, but it doesn't really feel inspired. Have we even seen them hangout? Like ever? They're awkward. Then they make out at a table and pretend to know each other.
Arie meets Kendall’s family … they’re all nice and interesting enough. Twin sister, who PS by the way is named Kylie (poor things), is like Ms. Cleo. She’s reading their energy and is honest with Kendall and says she isn’t feeling it, she sees a distance between them. The whole family clearly doubts this whole process, but they remain open and nice and want to support their girl. Same friends. SAME. I’m confused as to why we’re at Kendall’s house, and before I know it the whole thing is over.
FIRST. We gotta talk. The abbreviation for ARKANSAS is AR. STOP IT WITH THIS AK SHIT. AK is the abbreviation for ALASKA. QUIT IT RIGHT NOW OR IMMA BEAT YA ASS.
I got real nervous last week. I really thought Arie was going to send Tia home. I love Tia. I already told you I'm from Arkansas, so you know her Arkansas-ness ... means a lot to me. BUT. I also love that she's so frank and honest about what she's thinking and feeling. Girlfriend does not mess around. Thank goodness he sent the serial killer home, and Tia is here. Though now I'm wondering what crazy Krystal's family is like. CAN YOU IMAGINE? Of course you can, you've seen Cujo. Anywho, enough about how much I love this girl. Tia wants Arie to feel comfortable, so she takes Arie to some sort of race car derby situation. I don't know what to call it, but who cares it’s pretty adorable. It’s not stuffing rats, but what are you gonna do, YOU CANT HAVE EVERYTHING FRIENDS. They ride around for a bit, and then in true Arkansas fashion … they have beers in the back of a truck. Again ... it's not taxidermy but ... ok ok ... I'll stop.
Tia warns Arie that her brother will probably be the one to grill him when he meets her family. GIRLFRIEND IS RIGHT. Once everyone has met and they’ve settled in a bit big brother takes Arie behind the house to have drinks and starts his interview. Arie handles it well. Her Dad is also pretty aggressive and keeps calling him a playboy. They do know this is a TV show, right? This is his whole job, so settle down boys. It's not his fault he has to do this be nice. GAH. Arie actually asks for her Dad’s blessing if it works out in the end. Dad gives his blessing because he knows Tia is “crazy about him,” but tells him if he hurts Tia he knows how to find him on Google. It’s cute (ie COUNTRY as hell) ... I love it.
PS! There aren't many pics of their date because they spent a chunk of their time in Arkansas with your girl Raven. Check this pic from their (AHEM) AR visit. SPOILER ALERT ... Arie's face says everything.
Oh my god. The third date. I'm exhausted. I'm no fan of Arie, but poor thing must be REAL SLEEPY at this point. Becca meets our dude in an apple orchard. Y’all probably thought Arkansas was gonna be real country. Well this is some serious country ass shit. This is extra country. Guess what we don't do in Arkansas? RUN AROUND LIKE DAMNED FOOLS IN AN FIELD OF APPLE TREES. It's dumb.
They go apple picking, and carve their initials into a tree, play some games, and make caramel apples. It’s cute I guess. She apparently grew up going apple picking with her family, and her dad is dead so I guess we have to forgive this corny mess. My favorite is Arie throwing apples from the top of an apple tree into a basket on the ground. Y'all really love these apple picking mess, don't you? Mmmm hmmmm.
We meet the family a minute or two before they make it to the house and the family is already talking about how the process of the show is too much. We get it and this makes them sound like they aren't insane, but when you hear families working through this mess just know I'm screaming at the TV ... DONT YOU KNOW WHAT THIS SHOW IS MF? Surely this isn't the first time they've had this conversation, I'm not sure why EACH AND EVERY family gets to have it ON CAMERA for us but here we are. They seem REAL CRANKY honestly. It feels like Arie is walking into a shit storm, but then all of that negativity chills a bit once Becca arrives at the house.
Becca’s uncle talks to Arie first and he talks about her dad dying, and all the pain the family has experienced. It’s a little heavy, it’s clear that he’s looking out for her but it’s A LOT. Her mom is easier to warm up and didn’t come at Arie so hard. They’re slow to warm-up, but they’re just looking out for Becca and they’re charming in their way. At least we aren't making taxidermy.
Obviously they meet on the beach. Where else would you meet someone if you’re in Virginia Beach? They ride horses on the beach, does that seem weird? I think it’s weird. I didn’t know that happened anywhere other than movies and the cover of romance novels. It’s not like they’re in a secluded area, so it's real weird. They climb up to the top of a lighthouse and then they kiss for like 5 hours as the sun sets behind them. Hi. I'm slowly losing my patience for these dates, can you tell?
Lauren warns Arie that her family will probably be aggressive and skeptical. There’s a few people at Lauren’s family’s house, it’s more people than he’s had to meet and greet. Everyone seems pretty nice, but there are a few awkward silences. AND BY FEW I MEAN A LOT. These people are ... cold, y'all. It looks intense, and Arie gets so nervous he has to take a break. Like he full on excuses himself to go breathe in the next room. They’re not super chatty which I guess is fine, and this has also been Lauren’s thing all season ... so I guess we know where those long silences and DEAD EYES came from. It makes her seem like a dud, which begs the question WHY ARE WE HERE DUDE. This is EXTRA interesting since this also makes Arie nervous. But he's a man and she's hot, so he keeps trying.
THIS GIRL GOTTA GO. (which means he’ll totally pick her in the end … REMINDER: MEN ARE GARBAGE)
Arie meets with Lauren’s dad … he seems like a super cranky military dude. THATS BECAUSE HE IS A SUPER CRANKY MILITARY DUDE. He's a real stinker until Arie brings up a trip he took to Iraq and how he flew an airplane once. This magically calms this dude's CRAZY. They talk a bit and Dad chills and says he’s not as hard as everyone thinks. Lauren’s mom is a tougher cookie, she doesn’t like the process of the show and is open and honest about that. Sorry not sorry: THEY'RE BORING AND WASPY AND BLECH.
Hometowns are stressful AF. Have I said that already? They’re all nice and gorgeous women here … WTF is he gonna do? There’s no real clunker, and this dude is hard to read. Arie arrives for the final rose ceremony and tells Chris he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. He knows, he has to know this is total BULLSHHHHHHHIT and this feels like a TV moment. They gotta spice this dude up somehow, might as well create a TV DRAMA MOMENT.
Arie pulls Kendal aside GASP instead of handing out a rose. They sit and talk a bit. She's a mess, OBVI ... he asks her if she can see an engagement right now. She doesn’t feel like she’s at engagement right now, but does love him and sees a future. MY EYES FALL OUT OF MY HEAD as we watch them go back and forth for what feels like my entire life.
We go back to the ceremony and he calls the girls one by one ... and he apparently buys Lauren's BS because he sends Tia home.
I wish you could see my face right now. WHAT.
NEXT. I'm over this season. Men clearly can't make choices for themselves, we should get to pick who goes home. WHAT A MESS.