YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT (RHOA RECAP)
We open at Kandi’s Essence cover party that she threw for herself, which I still think is weird. Cynthia, still reeling from finding out that Will recently had a girlfriend, tells the ladies that she wants to know if her new man is messing up. Porsha is like, “Really?” and Cynthia is like, “Did I stutter?” so Porsha goes on to tell Cynthia that Will is actively dating someone else right now and telling people that he’s going to cash in by dating Cynthia.
And then it’s so sad, Cynthia just starts crying. Like, her feelings are really hurt by all of this. Girl, the thing is, any man who’s willing to film for this show is trash, with the exception of Todd, only because he worked on the show before he agreed to film for the show. And I guess Gregg is OK. And Ace is everything – OK, so, some dudes on the show are fine, but Will is not one of those dudes, which you can tell by looking at his face for five seconds. Sill, Cynthia’s crying and I want to hug her.
During all this, Mama Joyce takes Porsha aside and says that they need to talk. PORSHA YOU SHOULD RUN.
Kim is upset that the women are trying to deter Cynthia from following her heart because Kim followed her heart and it lead her to her own personal Uber driver. Also - how is Kim’s nipple not out in this photo? I look at this picture and all I see is places where a nipple should be, but yet I don’t see a nipple, no matter how many times I yell "Enhance!" She must of had her nipples removed.
Marlo says that Cynthia had better watch out because she’s gullible the way Kandi’s gullible. And she says this to Kandi while she has her arm around Kandi. Kandi notices the very obvious diss and says “Huh?” and then Marlo just looks at Kandi and says, “Hi,” totally unrepentant. I love this woman, give her a peach already.
Cynthia and Will share a car ride home after the party and ugh Will does not handle it well. He is very defensive and keeps telling Cynthia things like, “I’ve been clear with you.” Yes, you’ve been clearly lying, yes. Cynthia is trying to placate him even though she’s the one who just got titty punched, but she’s not being contrite enough so Will decides to be even more of a dick, saying, “I’m learning how to be with you and this is what I get,” and “Oh my God, what have I signed up for.” You signed up to be a bitch boy on this show and let these women shred your life on national television and to sit on a stool behind Cynthia at the reunion and be pissy about it. This was all the contract – the contract was very clear with you.
Porsha meets up with Mama Joyce and I’m like I hope your life insurance is paid up because Mama Joyce might end you over some iced tea.
Mama Joyce asks Porsha if she actually believed Phaedra’s story about Kandi planning on drugging and raping her. Porsha says that she trusted her friend and when she felt doubt Phaedra reassured her. Somehow satisfied with that nonsense answer, Mama Joyce then pivots to let Porsha know that she still hates Todd. Then she calls Porsha is a ride or die chick and what? What? How are you complimenting the moron who accused your daughter of planning to rape her like how is that happening? Mama Joyce will never side with Kandi, regardless of what is going on. I loathe her.
NeNe meets up with Cynthia and NeNe’s hair is...a joke? A fucking prank on all of us? It’s so bad I refuse to acknowledge it. Also, Cynthia is wearing a hat at the table it’s just disrespectful all the way around.
Cynthia is pissed because NeNe’s friend Eva pointed out the incredibly obvious fact that Will is a piece of shit at the Essence party. Cynthia says that she’s cooling things with Will so she can have a contrived reason to get all the girls to go Barcelona. Cynthia wants to invite Kim but NeNe says that she won’t come without her Uber driver - dammit NeNe I made that joke first!
Kenya is at the doctor with Che, her cousin who is also the only person who will film with her. Kenya says that she’s there because she is over 6 weeks late on her period and she wants to know if she’s pregnant. She is also 46 years old.
OK, sidebar about this completely preposterous lie that Kenya is trying to sell us all here. A pregnancy is 40 weeks long, but they start counting on the first day of your last period, which means by the time that you are one day late on your period you are technically 4 weeks pregnant. The absolute crazy bullshit thing about Kenya saying that her period is SIX WEEKS LATE is that if her period were six weeks late due to pregnancy she would be 10 WEEKS PREGNANT. That’s, like, really pregnant. The fact that they’re doing urine tests and blood work is nonsense because at 10 weeks pregnant the baby would already have a face. At 10 weeks there is a heartbeat and arms and legs and it’s moving around, the whole baby just doing flips and shit, which you can verify in two seconds with an ultrasound. Like, fuck this blood test bullshit, put some gel on that tummy, get the ultrasound tech to roll over the machine, and let’s all see what’s going on in that uterus. But, of course, Kenya is not pregnant, not at all, and she knows this, and the doctor knows this, so they’re pretending that at 10 weeks pregnant you could possibly have an inconclusive pregnancy test or that a doctor would even start with a pee test that late into a pregnancy. ZOMG THIS IS A FARCE.
So Kenya, who either isn’t pregnant or is about to reach her 2nd trimester, tells Che that she wishes Flat Baby Marc was there. She reads a text from him that says, “My job is to be strong in the storm. All you have to be in worth it. You have been, especially recently.” IS KENYA GOING TO MAKE ME MELT DOWN TWICE IN TWO PARAGRAPHS? I guess so. Girl, this is an emotionally abusive relationship, what he sent you was not sweet it was manipulative and icky as hell. Like, he is your husband, he promised to be there for you for the rest of his life, but here is saying that his love and attention are conditional upon her being “worth it” which, what does that mean? And he says that she has been, but only recently, so like a week ago she wasn’t really worth it as much as she was this past Wednesday and this is not good, Kenya you need to get out #freeKenya #yourenotpregnant.
Cynthia meets up with Peter and it’s basically her being like, “Can we be friends?” and him being like, “You can marry me again or you can never see me again. Those are the only options I have to go open another bar now bye.”
Porsha is having a No Beef dinner at her house to celebrate how they aren’t actively trying to kill each other right now. Marlo shows up first and criticizes both Porsha’s doormat and her decor before she even gets inside the door. Marlo then tastes one of the vegan appetizers and chews it forever while clearly hating every second.
Shereé shows up to the dinner/this episode just to notice Marlo’s purse, that she brought to a vegan dinner, is made out of a dead animal and call it fragglenapplebullcrap. Someone trademark that quick. Kroy drives Kim to Porsha’s and I think that all of her kids are in the car too.
They do shots and smoke hookah and talk about how Cynthia’s boyfriend Will is bullshit new boyfriend up until the second that Cynthia arrives.
At dinner Marlo burps soooo loud and then blames Cynthia she is amazing I love her give her all the things. Cynthia invites them on the Barcelona trip and Kim wants to bring Kroy, but the other woman aren’t into it. Kim argues that Kroy is her emotional support husband and she had a stroke once so she’s going to bring him anyway.
Kandi packs Ace to go to Barcelona and I don’t blame you that baby is everything.
And, just like that, we’re in cars headed to the airport. Cynthia and NeNe are riding together and now I know that they’re pranking us because WHAT. IS. THIS.
Cynthia’s hat is like a South American Willy Wonka situation and NeNe is wearing earrings that are also a necklace. None of this is OK.
They talk about how Kim and Kenya aren’t coming to Barcelona. Kim isn’t coming because she can’t leave Kroy’s side for a single second. Kenya isn’t coming because she’s either going through menopause or the baby is crowning, but either way she needs to be with Flat Baby Marc right now to stall their inevitable divorce.