SHUT UP AND LOOK PRETTY (BACHELOR RECAP)
If you ever needed proof that men prefer women who are quiet and pliable and look nice, this season of The Bachelor is it. Case in point: Arie is madly in love with the girl who's said approximately 13 words total over the course of the season and the chick who went to Stanford and the chick who's getting a PhD in chemical psychology went the fuck home.
BUH-BYE INTERESTING WOMEN! Hello one word sentences ("Wow.") and jeans with artisanal holes!
WE'RE IN TUSCANYYYYYYYY SQUEEEEEEE! The sister wives stroll the streets and Heidi Montag exclaims, "Oh, look at that!" into the ether, which is exactly three more words than we heard her say in Paris. Then the sister wives gaze upon the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Heidi Montag says. "Why do you think it's leaning?" and I think her personality is really starting to shine through, don't you?
Sienne lets us know it's the week before hometowns and I gotta be honest, this is my favorite part of the Bachelor, when everyone acts as if meeting your mom is the relationship equivalent to...I dunno...having anal for the first time? DUDES, YOU CAN MEET MY MOM WHENEVER. It's no big deal, she is at her condo waiting to go to Panera with you right now.
This week we've got three one on one dates, a group date, and one confused Jah-quell-in. Jah-quell-in is just not sure if she can trust her feelings. She couldn't help but wonder, was she just falling in love with falling in love?
Well, Jah-quell-in, you're a scientist and well versed in the scientific method, aren't you? Let's take a look!
Step 1: Ask a question (hurrah, you've done that!)
Step 2: Do background research (now here's the part where you reflect upon the singular date you had with Arie and how he made you twirl around in dresses and called your academic work an obstacle)
Step 3: Construct a hypothesis (go ahead, make an educated guess! If Jah-quell-in goes home before Arie sends her home anyway can she salvage her dignity and go back to being a scientist?)
Step 4: Test with an experiment (you know what to do! Ambush Arie in his hotel room!)
Jah-quell-in walks into Arie's hotel room and immediately starts drinking all his wine like she's Bridget Jones. She is now my hero and pick for the Bachelorette. She's so tortured by her feelings. Should she be an independent woman with life goals and agency? Or married to a washed up race car driver? Jah-quell-in kisses Arie and he says, “mmmmm,” and then he says hopefully, “Are you scared of me?” She’s like no. LOL, WELL PLAYED. He says into her hair “I really like you. I don’t want this to be over.” So she makes out with him some more. Her hair seems to have a little less Cristina Yang to it today, so we know she’s really depressed.
SO LONG JAH-QUELL-IN, WE HARDLY KNEW YA.
OLD BECCA 1:1
Old Becca and Arie make out all over Tuscany even though he questions their "passion." Old Becca says last week was really hard for her and she felt really off. And he says a noncommittal “mmm” to which she’s like “I never want you to question how much I am into you.”
Arie basically grunts at her while wearing a cardigan while she blows all sorts of smoke up his ass about how great he is and how she can see their future. They clutch at each other. Arie said he had no idea how deep her feelings were for him. BITCH EARNED DAT ROSE, WE'RE GONNA GET TO MEET UNCLE GARY.
The producers ask them to make out against a stone wall and so they do.
Back at the hotel there's a knock at the door. Who could it be?
It's this ottoman!
HEIDI MONTAG GETS ANOTHER 1:1 and the sister wives are scandalized! She says, "Wow."
HEIDI MONTAG 1:1
They're going to ride bicycles in Italy! Fun! Everything is going great until this happens:
and Arie falls to his death. Well not really but you have to admit it would make for interesting television. They get off the bikes and walk around. She says three words, "It's very Italian." He says three words, "Yeah. Weird, right?" and OH MY FUCKING GOD THESE DOOFUSES.
They eat gelato in silence. He loves it!! NEVER SPEAK LAUREN, I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, HOW I MADE YOU UP TO BE IN MY MIND, he gushes. Over dinner she says her longest sentence to date, "I'm starting to fall in love with you." He's so shocked by her unprecedented eloquence that he has to leave the table.
What in the fuck.
He stands in some trees. Like what in the hell. He wanders back and acts like that wasn't weird as fuck, which is some hilarious gaslighting bullshit. But Heidi Montag's no fool! She knows how to read people, she says, and something seems off! He says,
"I want it so bad for us and I can't explain why." I mean my head is about to explode. He then tells her, "I'm falling so deeply in love with you, it’s crazy."
HEIDI MONTAG GETS THE ROSE.
Oh god we have to go on a date with Sienne now. This is all just so unfortunate.
These two lovebirds go hunting for truffles and make dinner with some random Italians. I can't help but feel that Sienne is really poorly dressed for this date. Old girl has some Forever 21 lace number strapped across her tits with like keyhole cutouts from sternum to crotch. In the words of our lord Michael Kors, "Slutty, slutty, slutty." Over dinner Sienne gives her best I'm so into you speech but a clock starts clanging in the distance and it's FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS FOR SIENNE.
What the hell is Young Bekah wearing? She’s like a milkmaid from Beauty and the Beast. Can you believe Taxidermy is still here? Would Raven 2.0 be a decent bachelorette?
Taxidermy and Arie have some one on one time. She’s like, let me move to Scottsdale with you. Raven 2.0 is all wrapped up in Young Bekah being 22 and her not taking it seriously enough. Young Bekah is wearing an "A" necklace because A IS FOR ARIE. AND ASSHOLE.
Raven 2.0 tells Young Bekah she talked shit about her to Arie and Young Bekah is just totally shocked and starts crying like the sweet 22 year old she is. She has very little makeup on and is so beautiful like a fresh little flower.
(That joke is about the mascara streak and 90210 and is epic.)
Bekah runs to daddy, which you know he LOVES. She cries on daddy’s shoulders and he holds her and literally rocks her. He whispers to her about hometowns. She recovers enough to tell him that her parents won’t have an issue with their age gap and now I want to meet them. She shows Arie her gray hair so he’ll know she’s old too!
TAXIDERMY GETS A ROSE.
The date continues with Raven 2.0 and Young Bekah and I want to die. Finally RAVEN 2.0 GETS THE LAST ROSE. She's so thrilled in her interview that she yells out the title of their spinoff reality show: Arie in Arkansas!
Bekah ugly cries in the car. I hope she ripped that A is for Arie necklace right off! He sheds a tear for Young Bekah because she made this experience "fun." No shit, dude, 22 is fun! It's way more fun than 36. But look, I get it, being a white dude is pretty sweet. You get to be selfish and privileged and expect everyone to cater to your desires and like, you don't want some wiley 22 year old with all her wiley ideas to fuck that up for you.
NEXT WEEK HOMETOWNS! I absolutely love meeting everyone's families! Remember Dean's dad and his gong???
And wasn't there supposed to be a boyfriend who comes back to claim his woman??? All these parents look mouthy as hell and I'm INTO IT.