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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

MAKE YOUR OWN BEYONCE BATH SALTS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

MAKE YOUR OWN BEYONCE BATH SALTS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

If there’s one holiday that can leave people feeling a bit salty, it’s Valentine’s Day. I say run with it and turn your V-day into a B’Day with these handcrafted Beyoncé-themed bath salts!

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Combine the following ingredients* in a bowl or jar and use them as a foundation for the customized versions described below:

6 parts coarse sea salt
3 parts Epsom salts
1 part baking soda

Drunk in Love Bath Salts

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If there's one thing Beyoncé knows, it's how to get dirty while staying clean. And I quote, "Surfbort." Clearly Beyoncé is no amateur in this arena. I mean, the lyrics to Drunk in Love even specify filling the tub only half full – and nothing says "bathtub nookie rookie" like filling the tub all the way to the top. 

A caveat: Tub lovin' is really only fun if you and your partner each max out at five feet tall or if you have a bathtub the size of Beyoncé’s, which is the space equivalent of a two-bedroom apartment. Plus condoms can be tricky in the tub. Do you really want to explain to any unintended spawn that they are the consequence of bathtub booty and sloppy birth control? Didn’t think so.

Also, keep the hot sauce in your bag because that stuff will burn the bejeezus out of your naughty bits. Instead, spice things up by adding a few drops of an aphrodisiac essential oil, such as jasmine, clary sage or rose, to the standard bath salt recipe.


All the Single Ladies Bath Salts

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So you’re single on Valentine’s Day. Fortunately, there are many options for pampering yourself with a spa-like bath experience:

  1. Crying into a glass of red wine = instant bath salts. Throw that shit into a lukewarm bath and get in. This is the actual physical sensation of wallowing in self-pity - but with more antioxidants.
     
  2. Try bath salts the drug while watching Beyoncé’s 2013 documentary Life Is But a Dream backwards on repeat. See if you detect any messages from the Illuminati regarding your love life. J/k about trying drugs...but not about the Illuminati.

    Remember: Possibly eating your roommate’s face off while high on psychoactive designer drugs is a fate far worse than being single on V-Day - but only marginally worse than online dating. #imasurvivor
     
  3. Channel the calming and carefree presence of your inner Blue Ivy. Let any feelings of inadequacy, low self-worth or societal pressures to pair up drift away. Imagine that your life consists only of attending award shows in tiny couture frocks with a hairstyle that is always on point. Your only potential source of stress is eventually having to split your billion dollar inheritance with two pesky but adorable interlopers. But that’s so far into the future that you remain blissfully unaware.

    Add a few drops of relaxing essential oils to the standard bath salts recipe - think lavender, chamomile or geranium – along with a dash of blue food coloring. And then go live your life with the gusto and pizazz of the world’s best-dressed, most confident six year old.
     
  4. Forget the bath salts and treat yourself to a handheld shower head. You can thank me later.

Lemonade Bath Salts

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DGAF about Valentine's Day? Then let's burn this mother down - but not before we take a refreshing bath with these delightful lemon bath salts. Citrus aromas energize the mind & boost creativity, two fantastic qualities when you're plotting revenge against a two-timing partner, calling out the federal government on its neglect of post-Katrina New Orleans, or just hanging out on a spooky plantation with your tight-knit circle of powerful, artistic lady friends. Who knows? There might even be an antique claw foot tub!

Zest a lemon. Add the zest and a few drops of a citrus essential oil, such as bergamot, lemon or grapefruit, to the standard bath salts recipe. Pack it in a mason jar and tie a pretty ribbon around it.

You can stop there or you can screw on an airtight lid, give your arm a good wind-up and hurl the jar through the nearest window of injustice – but only if your baseball bat’s not within reach.

* Recipe is courtesy of OG Craftin’ Queen Martha Stewart and is available in its entirety here.

SHUT UP AND LOOK PRETTY (BACHELOR RECAP)

SHUT UP AND LOOK PRETTY (BACHELOR RECAP)

WELCOME TO THE HEAUXLYMPICS, HEAUXS

WELCOME TO THE HEAUXLYMPICS, HEAUXS