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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

KETO SUCKS, DON'T @ ME

KETO SUCKS, DON'T @ ME

I decided to try the Keto Diet.

I made it five days.

If you didn’t feel like clicking on that link, I’ll give you a brief rundown: Keto is short for “ketosis”, a state in which your body breaks down fats instead of sugar. It does this because you don’t eat carbs and sugars, so there’s nothing left to burn but fat. It sounds like Atkins, but is more restrictive. Fine, no bread, no cookies, no ice cream. But no fruit? COME ON. (Fine, some sites will say you can eat berries, but like, three strawberries.)

This diet is HIGH fat, “moderate” protein and low carb. Depending on how you count carbs, “net carbs” is more flexible in that you can subtract fiber from the total carbs and only count that towards your daily total. Either way, eating less than 50 carbs is not easy. At least, it wasn’t for me. You should also “eat clean”, so put down the bunless whopper and fry up salmon in olive oil or snack on some above ground vegetables, AKA kale.

The cherry on top was that it’s still a CALORIE RESTRICTIVE DIET if you’re using it to lose weight. Apparently the Keto diet has been around awhile, to help with things like epilepsy and Type 2 diabetes.

Some people on the diet started losing weight because eating bacon and ghee made them full, so they were eating less. Plus after a sugar withdrawal, you start craving it (read: eating it) less.

Anyhoo, I didn’t know about the calorie restriction thing until my friend, who I was trying to do this diet with for solidarity (she did not try to convince me, I did it because I’ve gained back ten pounds after losing twenty five doing Noom and feeling miserable) mentioned it.

I almost quit then.

But after buying coconut oil, xantham gum and pork sausage, I figured I’d try to see it through with her until December 24th.

Things were going OK. I made some chocolate pecan bark and fake ass bread that tasted like coconut and eggs. Eating cheese was fun. And heavy cream.

But it’s so limiting that it gets boring, fast. I didn’t want to eat anymore eggs or ranch dressing or bunless burgers. In some ways I didn’t even miss bread, I was just annoyed that I wasn’t allowed to eat it.

The thing is, it’s one thing to eat less calories, in that that’s fucking hard and miserable, but then to add on a bunch of ridiculous restrictions only makes it worse.

NOFUCKINGDUH???

I mean, this is what page twenty-seven of a Google search will get to when you’re searching for some perfect diet that will actually work. Oh, you mean, make small changes? Move every day, even if it’s just more walking? Try to cut down on processed foods? Don’t overeat? Drink less alcohol? Consider foods you’re eating that might be inflammatory? Sleep more? Stress less?

GEE, THAT IS ACTUALLY ALL VERY REASONABLE WHEN DONE IN INCREMENTS AND ON MY TERMS AND WITH NO DEADLINE OF GETTING INTO A SIZE 4 DRESS.

And that’s where I’m at. As in, I’m not going to do these diets where the restrictions become unbearable. Diets where of course I’m going to start eating those things again and if it’s going to undo all of my progress, what’s the fucking point?

I’m still really depressed that my pants are tight again and obviously something’s gotta give. But I’m FINALLY trying to look at food as fuel. I’ll still eat cookies and pizza and cake sometimes, but now I know it doesn’t actually make me feel good afterwards. Kind of like my ability to cut alcohol out of my life by close to 90%. No joke before I got pregnant five years ago, I was drinking around five nights a week and not like, one or two beers. Now the idea of a hangover is enough for me to not even partake.

I’m not telling you this because I think I deserve a medal. I’m saying it outloud to prove that I’m capable of recognizing when something doesn’t actually feel good and that maybe I can avoid it more.

I’m trying in earnest to think about superfoods, to stop looking at calorie counts and focus on added sugars or those ingredients I can’t pronounce bullshit that all of the hippie dippie people are always telling you to avoid. Like, in general, just eat whole foods by making a concerted effort to ask “what can I eat that will give me energy?” and when I want a sausage McMuffin to just eat it and then pay for it later.

Perhaps I’ll learn a lesson and stop indulging. Maybe I won’t.

But I’m hoping this leads to healthier views on food. It turns out I like chia seeds. WHO KNEW?!

Anyway, I’ll see you back here in a few months when I try to drop twenty pounds for my brother’s wedding.

Just kidding. No I’m Not.

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