A TALENT SHOW EXTRAVAGANZA (RPDR RECAP)
Oh, happy day! All Stars has come to us in winter, ready to warm our stone cold hearts. This All Star cast is pretty solid, and I don’t have a strong feeling about a front runner, as opposed to season three, when Trixie and Shangie were the obvious faves from the jump. Instead we’ve got a well rounded group of fantastic queens.
Everyone enters the workroom, showing off spiffy outfits and newly remodeled faces (in the case of Trinity the Tuck and Naomi Smalls.) With eight of the queens gathered, Ru comes in and Hello Hello Hellos everyone. But surprise (which is not a surprise at all to anyone with a social media account) Latrice Royale and Manila Luzon are introduced as Team Latrilla. The two are handcuffed and not thrilled by this turn of events, and Monet XChange looks genuinely devastated at the prospect of teams. (I love Monet because this bitch has no poker face: she’s an open book. Just watch the season 10 reunion if you don’t believe me.) But Ru is just trolling us: teams during All Stars 1 was a super terrible idea that drug good queens down with shitty ones.
Soon enough, the library is open. Haha, there are some good reads and some bad ones, most notable Gia Gunn who gets way too mean (on brand!), Farrah Moan who is dumb but pretty. Latrice wins! Hooray!
The queens are going to do the traditional talent show, but let’s call it what it is: a branding exercise. How well everyone does is really dependent on how well they understand their personal brands. The girls are being judged by our familiar faces: Michelle Visage, Carson Kressley, and Ross Mathews. We’ve also got Jennifer Lewis on the panel, just so we can appreciate how accurate Shangie’s Snatch Game impression of her last All Stars was. Lewis seems like a hoot and gives some awesome reaction shots throughout.
Monique Heart (season 10)
Brand: Brown cow, stunning! Oo-oo-ah sensation, straight up guffaws, wig mishaps
Monique nails the brown cow of it all with an energetic live song and dance.
Score: ON BRAND! Four out of five brown cows. Stunning!
Naomi Smalls (season 8)
Naomi comes out in a floofy wig and lipsyncs to a FASHION song, while she totters around on those LEGS of hers. The song is literally like, stand up, sit down, those are things you use legs for! At the end, she pulls off the top layer of her wig and reveals a bald pate, like a common Gallagher.
Score: ON BRAND! Two poses out of three! FASHION LEGS THE END
Gia Gunn (season six)
Brand: Absolutely, wonky eyelash, meanness, Chicago, duck walking
Gia comes out and does a beautiful kabuki performance that captivates Jasmine Masters. If you recall, Gia has been involved in traditional Japanese dance since she was but a child. This is a lovely performance and she looks beautiful.
Score: BASICALLY ON BRAND! Two out of three fans plus sparkles!
Trinity “the Tuck” Taylor (season 9)
Brand: plastic, tight tucks, Sister Mary Koont
Trinity does a lipsync demonstration of her tucking style and at first I was scared and then I relaxed. It is quite a funny performance! She rips that skirt off and gives us what we want: a pristine Barbie crotch.
Score: COULD NOT BE MORE ON BRAND! Three out of three duct tape strips!
Farrah Moan (Season 9)
Brand: whining, crying, highlighter, beauty
Farrah is beautiful and she has beautiful skin and we love her in my household. She said “You don’t love me” to Valentina at the reunion and it was magnifique! She comes out of a giant highlighter compact, dripping in candy colored jewels and begins her burlesque. She’s being cute if timid, but then BAM! She slips on her discarded dress and slams into the ground, butt first. There were horrified gasps aplenty in my house! She gets back up with a wobble and finishes her routine, but her already low levels of sass drop to zero.
Score: ON BRAND IN THAT IT’S A VERY FARRAH THING TO DO, PLUS SHE CAME OUT A HIGHLIGHTER COMPACT Two spangles and five tears.
(Gia Gunn Brand update: Gia is mean as hell, and she has already decided that she needs to knock out the pretty girls first, as she sees them as her competition. When Farrah comes out bejeweled, Gia is definitely worried, but when she slips, Gia grins like an evil grinner of some sort.)
Monet X Change (Season 10)
Brand: Sponge queen!
Monet comes out in a sponge body suit to sing and dance to her single, “Soak It Up.” Aside from the work of my angel, Trixie Mattel, “Soak It Up” is my favorite Drag Race alumni song. BUT Monet comes out singing rather terribly at first. Oh! No! She kicks and bucks and does well overall, but…Score: ON BRAND BUT POORLY EXECUTED...One and half sponges out of five
Manila Luzon (Season 3, All Stars 1)
Brand: White hair streaks, Big Bird, Lipsyncing
Manila comes out and does an upside down painting while wearing a Bob Ross wig. I don’t know what else to say.
Score: Perfectly adequate...One cake melting in the rain
Jasmine Masters (Season 7)
Brand: Loaves of bread, talking about bad breath, tiny wigs, meanness. Pant suits?
Jasmine has gained some post-Drag Race fame with her viral videos and so she thinks she is funny now. She decides to do off the cuff stand up--which even real comics don’t do off the cuff stand up! They write shit! In the workroom, her friends tried to talk her out of it, but she insists that she! Is! Funny! This bitch trots out and does a minute of the most terrible bad breath related stand up in the ugliest pants suit I’ve ever seen. Like Trixie bombing in Snatch Game doing RuPaul, this failure is the Internet’s fault. Jasmine is not really funny, she’s just Vine funny.
Score: On brand but NOT ENOUGH TIC TACKS IN THE WORLD, DARLING. THIS SHIT STINKS.
Latrice Royale (Season 4, All Stars 1)
Brand: Large and in charge, chunky yet funky, my favorite
Latrice performs a flag twirling color guard display and she is wonderful and I love her!
Score: GET THOSE NUTS AWAY FROM MY FACE...and into my heart!
Valentina (Season 9)
Brand: Beauty, two-facedness, roses, “Take that thing off your mouth”
Valentina closes out the show with a dance and song performance and she is beautiful. Gia Gunn is practically hissing at her from her seat. “I was totally bored,” Gia sneers to her neighbor. Gia hates the pretty girls.
Score: Brand! Ten Linda Evangelistas
Farrah Moan and Jasmine end up in the bottom and Trinity and Monique Heart are the tops of the week. In the workroom, Jasmine insists that her stuff was funny, which no, bitch! It was not funny! Farrah cries and cries and both Monique and Trinity tell her to stop crying right now. In fact, Trinity tells her if she cries again, she will send Farrah home immediately. Both Monique and Trinity see that Farrah has fire to compete, whereas Jasmine is just like totally flazeeda about the whole thing.
Trinity and Monique lipsync to Mariah Carey’s “Emotions,” which is a sign that Farrah is being smiled upon by the Drag Race goddesses. It starts out tight, and then Monique loses her fucking wig, which is really on brand for her but also annoying. She tosses it into the rafters where it hangs above us all. Trinity slays the lipsync and sends Jasmine home. Filler queen down!
RuPaul tells Monique to borrow some duct tape and wrap it around her head when she’s getting wigged up. Barring that, she can staple the fucking things to her head. As god is my witness, she better not lose any more wigs!
So far, we haven’t had any real twists. No handmaids, no mirror moments. Surely there must be something up the producers’ sleeves!