WHO'S SNATCHING THAT CROWN? ALL STARS IS BACK, KITTY GIRLS.
We know. We Know. WE KNOWWWWWW. That last season of All Stars walked us right into a giant pot of boiling hot lava too. We were sad. We were disappointed. Just like you, we swore we were never going to watch All Stars again. But then summer ended, election season came, RBG fell over in her chambers, and there was that fight between Carole and Bethenny on The Real Housewives of NYC, so you know what? We need comfort, y’all. We need to be held to the bosom of RuPaul and be told everything is gonna be okay. And since Shangela won the entire world the second she put on that bus driver wig in A Star is Born, all is forgiven.
Give us tic-tac dinners with Mama Ru, back to school special dialogue, and harrowing stories of gay boys in Texas. WE NEED IT. YOU NEED IT. So here they are, for better or worse, your SEASON FOUR ALL STAR QUEENS.
Monét X Change
ADRIENNE: Who is this person? I have a vague memory of her being very similar to another cast member on her season and maybe that’s why I barely remember anything at all?
JEREMY: ADRIENNE. We are in a fight. You don’t remember the sponge dress?? She loves a kitty cat wig. lol
ZANE: I’m also fighting. She’s great! She did the best lipsync with the fake out death drop! She has the best post Drag Race single (EXCEPT FOR EVERYTHING TRIXIE DOES). She correctly claimed that the British accent is a recent development. I love her.
ADRIENNE: I stand corrected, kitty girls. What are her odds of winning?
ZANE: Umm, 7.5. I don’t know! Depends on how she’s seasoned. She seemed like she wasn’t quite clicking on her season, so if she can get her shit together, she’ll be a contender.
JEREMY: Yeahhhh … depends if she has upped her game. She’s REALLYYY charming but that might not be enough for ALL STARS.
ADRIENNE: TWO PIECE AND A BISCUIT! They don’t make queens like Latrice Royale anymore, she’s amazing.
JEREMY: SHE IS MY ALL TIME FAVORITE I CANNOT. SCREAMS TO DEATH.
ZANE: Our Lady of the Lipsync. Latrice is on record dissing the stunts and shenanigans and reveals during the lipsync (which of course you two Shangela lovers probably love because you’re bad people.) I cannot wait. GET THOSE NUTS AWAY FROM MY FACE.
ADRIENNE: I’m praying Latrice brings out the big guns and has a real shot at the crown. She’s hysterical and wonderful and dear god, when is a big girl gonna win this thing!
ADRIENNE: Hasn’t Florida done enough? They really gotta force Trinity on us again?
JEREMY: Honestly. Lord help us all. I still can’t get her voice out of my head.
ZANE: Y'all! Y’all! I like Trinity. Why are you so hateful? This bitch can rock a lipsync, do Alyssa level hairography, and she’s funny to boot. Haters.
JEREMY: I came around by the end of her season, but I’m scairt.
ADRIENNE: In the words of Ariana Grande, thank you, next.
JEREMY: I get her and Blair St. Clair mixed up. She blonde, skinny, young. AND…… what
ZANE: Farrah is beautiful and I love her because she cries so much. Don’t you remember her coming alive at the reunion show and straight smacking Valentina? It was glorious.
ADRIENNE: Like barely. I remember she’s a young Vegas queen and needs to work on her act. Maybe she has. That all sounded so mean. I’m sure I’d like her in person. She’s just not that exciting to watch on TV, she just makes a bunch of surprised faces. But I guess I remember who she is, so that’s a start.
ADRIENNE: I feel confused about Valentina. Zane - remind me - she was sweet on the show but then a bitch afterwards and all the other queens hated her? I do remember the worst lip sync of all time. “I’ll just keep this mask on….” RU: “STOP THE MUSIC!”
JEREMY: She was like 12 when she started the show and had just started doing drag. I think they all kinda hated her because of that. The young girls are always EXTRA bitchy because that’s what they think it takes to win. She’s so cute as a boy, I sorta forget everything else.
ZANE: Valentina is a secret Phi Phi queen of evil. Her stans are notoriously death threat-y. I liked Valentina until her stunt, but it’s clear that she has some sort of personality disorder behind the scenes, as even the queens of season nine’s RuPaul’s Best Friend Race don’t like the bitch. But she’s beautiful, she looks like Linda Evangelista. She’s gonna be this season’s villain, betcha.
ADRIENNE: I like a beautiful villain so slay, Valentina, slay.
JEREMY: I hope she hasn’t done anything crazy to herself.
JEREMY: She was one of my faves from last season too. I think she stayed on longer than she should have mostly because her interview moments were HILARIOUS.
ZANE: Monique is hilar, and she is promising more Brown Cow, Stunning moments ahead. Her fashion was either great or insane, so that’s always exciting.
ADRIENNE: Oh shit, that brown cow stunning moment was like the highlight of that entire season.
JEREMY: OMGAH. BROWN COWWWWW.
JEREMY: LOL. She’s aiiight. I think she’s sorta her own meme now, so the kids love her.
ZANE: Jasmine was an also ran in season seven, and she mostly just was in love with Kennedy the whole time. But she is a favorite of the kids, even though I found her to be mean. She loves Patti Labelle, smoking weed, and bringing loaves of bread with her everywhere she goes.
ADRIENNE: I want you to know I just looked at a million pictures of her for this article and my reaction is still …who?
ADRIENNE: Full on excited here, Naomi’s fashion SLAYS and I think she could be a real contender. Ru loves a fashion queen.
JEREMY: Yeah, her looks are killer.
ZANE: I like Naomi and I’m sure she’s blossomed. Season Eight had a great top three, so yay!
ADRIENNE: Because we share a name, I’d like to be more excited about this.
JEREMY: HA! Yeah…. Uhhhhh. I don’t even know who this is.
ZANE: Absolutely. In my mind, Gia Gunn is Adrienne’s secret half-sister. Think about it: they’re both from Chicago! Other than that, she was mean, rude, and ignorant on her season. But that was season six, which was a long, long time ago, so maybe she’s a much nicer person. Also, maybe she’s figured out how to glue an eyelash down by now.
ADRIENNE: Hahhahahhaa, savage.
ADRIENNE: I know people LOVE Manila. She doesn’t do it for me in the same way Bianca doesn’t. Like that “dry wit” just isn’t all that funny, it’s like Rodney Dangerfield humor.
JEREMY: Meh. MANILA GONNA BE LOSIN … okuuuuuuur. She’s fine.
ZANE: GASP. I love Manila. How dare you! She’s funny and pretty. Her style is sort of old, maybe, but as a person she’s lovely. MacArthur's Park?? Are you fucking kidding me? I think we have to get Drag Race divorced now.
ADRIENNE: Next thing you know, Zane’s gonna be telling me how great Michelle Visage is.
ZANE: HOW DOUBLE DARE YOU? Sign these papers, we are now divorced! I’ll never love Visage, ever! I’m crying like Farrah Moan in my office now.
JEREMY: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Honestly I’m blind to everything except for LaTrice, so … who even cares about these other queens.
WHO DO WE WISH WERE HERE?
ADRIENNE: ALYSSA EDWARDS OBVIOUSLY. But also, why doesn’t Kim Chi ever come back??
JEREMY: I honestly just wanted LaTrice. So I’m 900% satisfied. I cannot wait for her wise ass to teach me this year.
ZANE: Kim Chi won’t come back because Ru will make her tell her mom she’s a gay drag queen. Alyssa has moved on to bigger and better--she has a Netflix show now! She ain’t got time for that! I would have liked Shea Coulee, myself.
ADRIENNE: Shea Couleeeeeee! DAMN you want them to bring the heat! (Also, you know I loved every single damn second of Alyssa’s show, especially when she was all overbite Justin.)
ZANE: At least Eureka’s not back! Thank the drag gods! Or Cynthia “Cucu” Fontaine. OR SHANGELA.
JEREMY: SHANGELA. I’m still mad she didn’t win last time.
ADRINNE: HOLY SHIT CUCU. I’m having PTSD.
PREDICTIONS FOR WHO’S SNATCHING THAT CROWN?
ZANE: I want to say Latrice. It would be a Chad Michaels sort of moment. But I don’t know, and I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so excited....I’m so scared!
JEREMY: LATRICE OR IMMA HAVE TO PUT ON A DRESS AND DRIVE TO RU’S HOUSE AND HAVE A TALK.
ADRIENNE: You know I’m Team Latrice. But I also think Naomi Smalls has a real shot. I’m telling you, Ru LOVES a skinny fashion queen. See: Aquaria, Violet Chachki, Sasha Velour, etc.