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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

TWO-FACED (RHOC RECAP)

TWO-FACED (RHOC RECAP)

Stop. Put down that microwavable garlic shrimp linguine from the Shannon Beador QVC microwavable diet food collection. This episode of RHOC will make you nauseous and it’s best to avoid frozen fish products no matter how much you’re salivating over Shannon Beador’s frozen salmon stuffed with runny cream cheese. Don’t shove that in your pie hole. Because this week’s episode features graphic shots of plastic surgery - Vicki’s facelift and Shannon’s eye lift - and a lot of screentime with Emily’s husband, Shane the mole rat. It doesn’t get any more repulsive than this. If you insist on sampling Shannon’s frozen teriyaki flounder over udon noodles and broccoli while watching this episode, consider yourself warned.

The episode kicks off with Emily and Shane talking to a therapist about whether to have more children. Emily still has some embryos that she froze and would like to find a surrogate to try for another girl. Emily weeps about her five miscarriages, including twins she carried for four months - family planning is incredibly wrought for her. When she lost the twins, the hospital prepared a baby box with a few items and Emily has never been able to open it. Shane is like “yeah, no, I’m good. I’ve looked at the box. I don’t want more kids. Sorry you’re sad.” Good, god, Shane has the emotional intelligence of a placemat. He also seems completely annoyed to be in therapy and looks like he’s one tantrum away from becoming a men’s rights activist.

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Meanwhile, we are treated to a series of shots that cut back and forth between Shannon and Vicki’s plastic surgeries. Blech-blurg-gargle...I just swallowed my vomit. Vicki is given some anesthetic that makers her “hooha tingle.” I may be alone here but if you aren’t mature enough to use the word vagina, you aren’t mature enough to have a facelift and this is a hill I’m willing to die on. Steve, who desperately doesn’t want Vicki to undergo more plastic surgery, is by her side, supporting her but also mostly judging her choices.

Shannon bemoans the fact that she doesn’t have a partner to help her through her eyelift. Um, Shannon - this is ELECTIVE COSMETIC surgery. You CHOSE this. You should feel blessed you aren’t having surgery for something life-threatening. But I would never tell this to Shannon. I would gossip with all the other women about her state of mind, especially Gina, who can stir up shit like a pro, and then blame everybody else for my big mouth. Also, I’m Tamra Judge. In some A Clockwork Orange shot, they stick paper in Shannon’s eyes and, oh god, here comes the vomit again.

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Back at home, Shannon’s 16-year old daughter Sophie helps her manage her pain and changes her gauze and gives her ice packs for her swollen eyes. When Sophie shows up next season dating a member of Aerosmith, I think we’ll be able to trace that decision precisely back to this point in time.

In a “WHO THA EFF IS THAT???” moment, Tamra is throwing a birthday party for her 18-year old son, Spencer, who I never knew existed and maybe that makes sense. He’s quiet, shy, straight-edged, and is in a stable relationship. That’s not the type of drama Tamra needs in a child.

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Tamra’s mom tries to convince Spencer to get a tattoo while other grown-ass adults try to convince him to take a shot of booze and honestly, this explains so much about Tamra and her poor decision making. Spencer - god love you and your freakish emo style for staying above the fray.

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Back at Emily’s house, Emily finally looks through the box that the hospital created for her when she lost the twins. It includes birth and death certificates, a note from Emily’s grandmother, and tiny ink handprints and footprints. It’s incredibly sad but you wouldn’t know that from Shane’s reaction, which is basically like “All better? Great.” ARG SHANE YOU ARE AN INSUFFERABLE MONSTER THAT SHOULD BE FORCED INTO A BARE-KNUCKLE CAGE MATCH WITH JOE GIUDICE AND SIMON BARNEY.

Kelly and Gina visit Shannon to check on how her bloodied, black eyes are recovering and Gina decides right now is a great time to tell Shannon that EVERYONE on the Jamaica trip, especially Tamra, was questioning her mental health behind her back. Gina is just trying to be a good friend by telling her. Shannon is flummoxed and hurt and calls Tamra to ream her out. Later, when Tamra, Emily, Kelly, and Gina meet for drinks, Tamra confronts Emily about this betrayal and Gina explains that she is simply interested in Shannon’s welfare and wants to be a good friend. Hmm, seems like you want to stir up some drama to ensure a spot on the show next season, but you say potato I say potato.

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WHO'S SNATCHING THAT CROWN? ALL STARS IS BACK, KITTY GIRLS.

WHO'S SNATCHING THAT CROWN? ALL STARS IS BACK, KITTY GIRLS.

RANDALL WANTS TO GET OUT THE VOTE (THIS IS US RECAP)

RANDALL WANTS TO GET OUT THE VOTE (THIS IS US RECAP)