TEN THINGS I'D RATHER HAVE THAN A FIFTY MILLION DOLLAR CONDO IN MOSCOW
Surely you’ve heard the news by now. DT and whatever evil bitches he has working for him were at THE VERY LEAST tossing around the idea of GIVING Vlad the FIFTY MILLION DOLLAR Penthouse of Trump Tower, Moscow. Why? Oh, I don’t know. In exchange for the Presidency? In exchange for not releasing the pee pee tapes? Because he’s a really really really nice man?
LOL. EVERYTHING IS GARBAGE.
It got me thinking … what would I rather have than a FIFTY MILLION DOLLAR CONDO in Trump Tower, Moscow …
10) A TRIP TO AMERICAN GIRL DOLL PLACE ON BLACK FRIDAY (or any Friday or no, jk … any day ever). Can you imagine anything worse? Actually, yes, of course you can, but the thought of what it’s like in that store on Black Friday will probably make your heart race. Here’s a secret for you. My friend Julie and I used to do go to the American Girl Place store as our Christmas tradition. THERE ARE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE. IT IS WILD. but … let me tell you. It’s oddly calming. When you’re in a place where you want NONE of what they have, and everybody is fighting for that stuff and basically crawling all over each other to get it … it’s like a Valium for your RAMPANT CONSUMERISM.
9) KNICKERS THE GIANT COW. Have y’all seen this big ass cow? I’d like to own him. Uhhh … just kidding I don’t know where I’d put him, but I’d maybe like to visit him and say hello. COWS ARE CUTE YOU GUYS. Yeah, girl. That is a real ass cow. Don’t you watch the news? OH. You only watch the serious parts? Well, fix yourself, you’re gonna get high bloop pressure if you don’t crack a smile every once in a dang while. Fine. HERE. Read this. BIG COWS ARE FUN AND JUST READING THE WORDS BIG COW MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT LIFE.
8) MIKE PENCE’S NUDES. Eww. No. Not really. What do you think I am, some sort of pervert? Internet porn is free and you can watch it literally any time of day or night. What I mean is … where is the dirt on this guy. He gave a speech yesterday at the White House World AIDS Day event. MIKE PENCE. The guy who slashed funding for HIV/AIDS prevention when he was governor of Indiana … and single handedly caused an HIV out break. Maybe he’s a nice man. Maybe he’s the greatest Christian with great morals … but he’s not kind, he is not caring. He’s Nancy Reagan in Midwestern drag. I can’t wait until he disappears into the ether with his boss.
7) AN OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF BROADWAY PRODUCTION OF SANTA LAND DIARIES STARRING: JEFF SESSIONS. Can you think of anyone better to star in a show about a disgruntled holiday elf? Yeah. Didn’t think so. What’s she got to do now anyway. She ain’t got a job, might as well give her this one.
6) OH MY GOD A T-REX MENORAH. I literally just want this menorah LIKE FOR REAL. Every year I forget to ask people for it for Hanukkah and I’m already too late this year because our family Hanukkah party is in like 48 hours and there’s a lot of planning and if I ask for this now I’m going to get hate mail from my sister-in-law and who wants that kind of thing ESPECIALLY during the festival of lights, my dude. SO. SOMEBODY JUST BUY ME THIS MENORAH. Hi.
5) A CHILD. I don’t want kids. I never have. I’m too selfish. IT’S TRUE. I AM. I’m basically a child myself so why on Earth would I want a baby? A Child in charge of a child? WHAT? NO WAY, JOSE. Also? I’m a secretary and my husband is a teacher. Surrogates and shit… that costs a boat load of cash. ALSO THAT IS SO STRESSFUL. I can’t afford a child. ALSO. I don’t know if I can be hopefully enough to bring up a child in today’s world. The world is scary and expensive and I just don’t know … BUT YOU KNOW WHAT … if you give me FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS … I might be able to afford one … $50,000,000 in the bank makes it feel sorta almost possible.
4) A REBOOT OF MURPHY BROWN THAT DOESNT SUCK. JUST KIDDING. I’m tired of reboots. Like. ALL OF THEM. I’m done. I knew this before Murphy came back, but then I watched a couple episodes and was like ENOUGH WITH THE NOSTALGIA CRAP. I loved the original show so much, it taught me so much about feminism and politics and women having control of their bodies and parents and EVERYTHING. I like the reboot FINE, it’s new and updated with Trump puns and whatnot, but it feels OLD and STALE and … can you please let new people write stories for us? Can we please let all of the talented women and people of color that exist in our world have a chance to teach us and help us grow? CAN WE GET THAT NOW. Also? MB was cancelled, so … yeah … BYE, GIRL. Thank you for your service, it’s time to let somebody else drive.
3) USE CORRECT PRONOUNS AND DE-GENDER ALL BATHROOMS. Sorry, ‘bout it Cis (LOL I THINK IM HILARIOUS) gender is dead. No. Really. She gone (as it were). There’s no reason to keep talking about boys vs. girls or labeling colors or bathrooms or clothes or anything else EXCLUSIVELY for one gender or the other. The binary is tired and I wish it would die. I love a non-gendered bathroom. I love women and going to the bathroom with them means I don’t have to try to remember what we were talking about before we had to separate to go pee. ALSO. You should use the pronouns someone asks you to use. Don’t judge it. Just do what you’re asked to do. If you’re happy with the pronoun people use to refer to you GREAT … don’t make it harder on people who aren’t. Just be nice and do what they ask. It’s not up to you and ALSO … it is literally just a fucking word, so use the words people prefer. This is an ENORMOUSLY kind and SIMPLE AF thing to do RIGHT NOW and it costs ZERO dollars.
2) STRAWS. That’s it. That’s the whole joke. I want a fucking straw for my iced tea and my vodka tonic. IM FORTY THREE AND I DESERVE IT. Not having a drinking straw feels ridiculous. Maybe everybody needs to buy steel reusable straws like what Oprah used to have on her talk show. I don’t know the answer, but I am a lady and ladies need to drink their vodka drinks with a straw. AND. While I care about the environment, killing straws ain’t gonna be the thing that solves the problem … so GIVE ME A DAMNED STRAW.
1) A TIME MACHINE SO I CAN GO BACK AND MAKE HILLARY MF CLINTON OUR PRESIDENT. Maybe there would be different scandals. Maybe everything would still be dark and ON FIRE, maybe we would all be just as mad in a whole new way none of us have thought of … but those are risks I’m willing to take.