MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM KOTEX
Well, friends, somebody charged Melania’s batteries, pulled her out of the basement bunker, turned her on, and pointed her in the direction of the White House Christmas decorations. OR maybe it’s just another day in Hell, who can tell anymore, but it’s definitely beginning to look a whole lot like somebody bled all over the Christmas Trees. Joy to the world, everybody. Santa’s back and he’s … REDЯUM REDЯUM REDЯUM.
Look at this mess. Happy Christmas, from Russia, with love. I don’t know what is going on in this hallway. Did the blood donation van explode? Is this a car wash, a nod to how much they love The Handmaid’s Tale, cranberry trees on speed? For a bunch of racists who brag about how great everything is … you’d think they’d know how to spread a little cheer in the executive manse. Y’all got all the money, so how damned hard is it to find a twinkling light or a cheery assed smile? Didn’t they read my strongly worded note from last year? I wrote it on my Hillary Clinton stationary, I was sure they’d read it. Guess not. WHEW. Last year. Remember those decorations?
CUE THE STORM TROOPER THEME MUSIC!!
Those decorations were about as sobering as you can get. What are all those cold white branches? Are those the ghost limbs of all the angry white men we wish would up and die? (WHISPERS: THE ANSWER IS YAS) Was the 2017 theme, MAZEL TOV THE TUMOR IS GROWING AGAIN? Looks like it. Holy Mary, last year’s Christmas decorations were so cold and sterile you have to view them from under a thunder blanket (while wearing your heavy winter coat).
It’s hard to believe that picture is from LAST YEAR. I had only just (THIS WEEK) stopped having nightmares about Santa coming to town and leaving me in a freezer to die and just like that here we are again scared for our lives with these bloody Christmas Trees. You know I don’t like to judge, but decorating your house with used tampons standing upright is A LOOK, and one I’m not totally sure I can get behind. I mean I definitely would like to have all the menstrual blood flushed onto her front lawn or formed into the shape of 9,000 tannenbaums, but it’s possibly not a good theme for Christmas. BUT WHAT DO I KNOW IM A JEW.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! SPEAKING OF MONEY. Don’t worry that all that old leftover BE BEST merch went to waste. The minions tasked with decking these halls put it to good use. Look at these BE BEST pencils … SHARPENED (just in case you see an errant Democrat wondering through the house) and formed into the shape of a wreath. That’s straight up FRUGAL, you guys. It’s CRAFTY AF.
If that wreath didn’t get you maybe these BE BEST balls will? Honestly, what good is a slogan if you can’t slather it across a couple of old shiny white balls? That’s how they like it, it’s the Republican way.
While we’re deep diving . . . Aren’t you supposed to smile on Christmas? ONCE? Maybe? I mean, can I get a smirk, girl? Somethin? They are following you with a camera and I’m pretty sure you’re aware of it, so SHOW ME THOSE TEETH this isn’t a Vogue shoot. AND. Can we talk about how MT is ALWAYS walking around the Caucasian House ready for that frozen dragon from Game of Thrones to swoop down from the sky? Ain’t they got heat? I know they’re burning coal, so how about one of y’all do a mitzvah and throw a couple more bags on the fire for her, she is clearly FREEZING. We know you’re not outside, momma, so what’s really going on here? Maybe she’s just trying to have her Olivia Pope moment? I guess everybody has a fantasy, but the least they could do is teach her to put her arms in the sleeves. I mean what is the deal . . .
An off the shoulder coat moment? NAH, GIRL. That’s for Anna Wintour and Cindy McCain’s lily white asses. It’s some real Republican shit. That lewk is practically Reaganomical. You better save it for the polo match: IT’S EXTRA REPUBLICAN. I know this because I pretend to be a Republican at home. I put my coat on my shoulders whilst prancing around to Wagner in my kitchen and demand bourbon drinks from my invisible butler while wearing my super sexy red leather gloves and fondling whatever balls I can find … which is the only way I know to explain this next hot mess of a picture . . .
Nothing says Christmas like . . . holding a cold disinterested gaze while pretending to crush your asshole husband’s tiny testicles in your palm of your hand. I suppose it could be worse. It’s not like they made a terrifying replica of DC complete with under lighting so as to scare us into thinking America REALLY IS GREAT AGAIN (or for the first time) … LOL JK … These fools did that too. Thank the lord she was with it enough to stay out of that shot.
Listen, it’s obvious NOBODY is in charge over at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue ESPECIALLY when it comes to holiday decorations. I almost feel bad for MT. ALMOST. It’s pretty clear she had nothing to do with selecting these decorations, and was dragged out of her cage and danced around to make us think all is well and full of sugarplum fairies. WE’RE NOT BUYING IT. Old girl didn’t even bother to show up for Monday’s traditional press preview of the White House Christmas decorations. GASP. Maybe next year somebody should show her a clip of Michelle Obama decorating for the holidays, that should keep her from crying herself to sleep on her non-disclosure agreement. Until then, I bet she’d like a few indictments under her spooky-ass trees. I KNOW I SURE WOULD.