AN OLD LEATHERY FINALE (RHOC RECAP)
As RHOC limps wistfully through its season finale, perhaps we can glean a few valuable life lessons from this waste of a franchise: That divorce is hard, unless you’re Gina, and then it’s just fine, okayyy; that salmon is best when stuffed with cream cheese, microwaved, and sold to the masses to get back at your no-good ex; that full grown women will travel to Jamaica and tacitly agree that wearing hats with fake dreadlocks while doing Jamaican accents in front of hotel staff is totally appropriate; and that just like Eddie’s bum heart or Vicki’s fillers, there is a shelf life for Real Housewives Franchises and it’s however old RHOC is. Andy Cohen, hear me now: This season had NOTHING to offer except the quiet redemptive story of Kelly Dodd: half-teenager, half loving mother; all dick jokes all the time.
For her final trick, in honor of Mother’s Day, Emily is throwing a sexy femme fatale party to celebrate and empower women. I’m not convinced of the link between the party and women’s empowerment, but go on. Emily, Tamra, and Kelly head to a sex shop to purchase some hooker clothing for the party. I am becoming increasingly confused as to how this relates to female empowerment. But you know the old adage: The tighter the corset, the more likely it is that the United States will implement universal maternity leave.
Gina has invited Tamra over to hash out their differences about Shannon. Was Gina intentionally telling Shannon everything Tamra said about her to stir the pot to secure her place on the show for next season? According to her, no. Was Tamra talking shit about Shannon and lying about it to secure her place on the show for next season? According to her, no. Great! They both just care about Shannon SOOO much. What benevolence!
Meanwhile, Emily’s mom, who has been in a deep clinical depression for a year, flies in from Ohio for a visit. Emily’s mom is legitimately sad she lost a year of her life to depression and I can’t help but worry that Emily has exploited her mom’s mental illness to hustle up a storyline and a spot on the show for next season. It feels gross; gross like the stitches behind Vicki’s ears where her face was peeled off, tightened, and then sewn back on. Also, anytime Shane enters a room, it feels like Here Comes the Boom by P.O.D should be playing.
The mid-afternoon femme fatale party has arrived and everyone shows up with their families, which is intensely awkward given that this party is one mid-forty-year-old housewife-in-leather away from everyone dropping their keys in a bowl and diving face-first into a pile of aged genitals. Except for Kelly, who shows up with a guy who is significantly younger and apparently very well-endowed, which she advertises to the whole party through adorable little mnemonic devices like “Big Dick Daddy from Cincinnati” and “PHD-Pretty Huge Dick.” If any of the other housewives uttered these phrases I’d puke, but Kelly is the only cast member who is the least bit funny and authentic, so out of her mouth, it sounds as charming as any Oscar Wilde comedy of errors.
Shannon shows up dressed in what seems to be a power suit ready to hash it out with Gina. Tamra, Gina, and Shannon sit down to conference about who said what about Shannon’s mental health. Gina explains that she was just concerned about Shannon because of what all the other women have been saying all season, which is why she kept bringing it up. Shannon snipes that she thinks Gina is a pot stirrer and that her mental health is JUST FINE; THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Cut to a shady montage of Shannon losing her shit in Jamaica and no one believing that she’s just fine. Emily scurries over so that Shannon can admonish her for making comparisons between her wellness and Emily’s mentally ill mother. I really hope that Emily’s mother does not watch this show because I can’t imagine it’s good for someone struggling with depression. Shannon and Emily kind of make up but Gina is left feeling brushed aside by Shannon. And here lies a terrible end to a terrible season of reality television. I prayed that there might be a blooper reel of all the gross sexual nicknames Kelly has for her lineup of suitors but all I got was a promo for the reunion where Bravo manages to plug RHOC and Dirty John in the same clip about Vicki’s relationship with Brooks. Tip of my hat to you Andy Cohen - efficient and cutthroat.