WHAT WE'RE WATCHING THIS WEEKEND
It’s the most magical time of the year! IT’S MOVIE SEASON! Get ready to stuff yourself full of popcorn and Fanta, cause Hollywood is bringing you a new kick ass movie every single weekend from now until Christmas. And just like a little squirrel hoarding your nuts for winter, you better load up now because January through May is a desert of schlock like STEP UP 602: BACK IN THE DANCE STUDIO BECAUSE WE’VE ALREADY FLUNG OURSELVES AROUND EVERYWHERE ELSE.
I’ve come to realize that I’m more well-versed in any given weekend’s movie options than your average gal. When I say the name of a movie like CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME and people are like what is that?, I die a little inside. Like HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW? It’s the Melissa McCarthy forgery movie, GAH.
So I’ve decided to use my expertise for good and help you make informed decisions about your viewing time. You’re welcome.
CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME
This flick is getting great reviews and stars Melissa McCarthy as a full-on cat lady writer (be still my heart) who needs some cash and starts forging letters from famous authors to sell to collectors. At one point the character says “I was better at being Dorothy Parker than Dorothy Parker,” and that’s all I need to know, I love her arrogance and literary weirdos and I’ll probably see it tonight.
EXCITEMENT RATING: four eggplant emojis
Look, your girl loves a movie musical and if you haven’t seen A STAR IS BORN, what are you still doing here? GO DO THAT NOW. I was super excited to see Rami Malek as Freddie Mercury but I gotta tell you, this flick is getting very tepid reviews and so I’m feeling a little like, maybe I can wait. Elizabeth said we should go and wear Mercury Mustaches and that re-piqued my interest because I love a costume. Bottom line, there are probably some great musical numbers but sounds like the story is weak so it’s not gonna be my top choice this weekend.
EXCITEMENT LEVEL: two eggplant emojis
Probably going to be the best film you’ve never heard of. You know Paul Dano and Zoe Kazan? They’re smart artist indy-people (he’s best known for being the priest in THERE WILL BE BLOOD and she was most recently in THE BIG SICK) and they wrote this script based off a Richard Ford novel. Dano directs and by all accounts has done a great job. Carey Mulligan and Jake Gyllenhaal are married and they’re gonna fight and scream and cry and are getting great reviews for that. This is the flick to see this weekend if you want to impress your most erudite friends.
EXCITEMENT LEVEL: four eggplant emoijis
MAYBE YOU WANT TO STAY AT HOME? I GOT YOU.
HOUSE OF CARDS
Not a movie, but who cares, I’ll do anything for my queen Robin Wright. Out today, HOUSE OF CARDS has dispensed with Kevin Spacey and presumably Claire is now POTUS and I heard Diane Lane is going to show up and antagonize her, and oh my god, what if those two bone? I have no information that says they are going to, but WHAT IF.
EXCITEMENT RATING: five eggplant emojis and one splash emoji
HOLY SHIT HAVE YOU STILL NOT STARTED BODYGUARD??? This show is on Netflix and is the British version of Homeland / 24 and featuring Robb Stark as Sargeant David Budd. David Budd is crazy as shit y’all. And boneable as shit, y’all. This show is high intensity for it’s entire 6 episodes and it’s the best rainy day binge of your life. The action is nonstop and surprising, at every turn you’re wondering what the hell is going to happen next and I promise you you’re going to want to be texting your friends like WHAT EPISODE ARE YOU ON DID YOU SEE THIS SHIT. Also, did I mention David Budd is HOT AS HELL? Honestly, quit your job, go watch this.
EXCITEMENT RATING: five eggplant emojis and three splash emojis