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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

BATTLE OF THE AGES (RHOC RECAP)

BATTLE OF THE AGES (RHOC RECAP)

Next week is the season finale of RHOC and it can’t come soon enough. I need to be liberated from this once-great franchise that has mutated into an odious, meandering public service announcement about why nobody should move to Orange County. I know an episode is truly dull when I’m hoping mole rat Shane shows up to offend everyone’s sensibilities, just so I can feel something.

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There is no better person to remind us of the cruelty and vapidity of this show than Tamra Judge, a lying sociopath, who is just SUCH a good friend, you guys.

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She visits Vicki to check on her facelift recovery but mostly to complain that Gina told Shannon about all the kibbitzing they did about Shannon’s mental health in Jamaica. Vicki is stunned, or angry, or happy, or daydreaming about how to hypnotize Steve into proposing - who knows because she can’t move her face. Vicki may be the “OG of the OC” but with her new face, she’ll forever look like an audience member on The View selected to model affordable versions of haute couture on the “Fashion for Less” segment.

Meanwhile, Gina has transitioned to her weekend casita, while her soon-to-be ex-husband, hot Matt, stays with the kids in their home. Let’s call the casita what it is - a garden apartment - but don’t tell Gina that. Gina says the word casita 300 times in this episode and methinks the lady may regret the casita and perhaps the divorce given how she can’t stop repeating “casita, casita, casita” like some synapse related to visions of a happy life has misfired. She turns to Kelly for divorce advice and Kelly is all “Don’t look at me. I flirt shamelessly with my ex at my daughter's middle-school production of Oliver.”

Speaking of, Kelly and Michael attend Jolie’s musical and Jolie continues to prove that housewife craziness is not genetic. Jolie is kind, patient, and measured but most importantly, she’s not too cool for musical theatre unlike her mother. Kelly sports a gold lamé blouse with a huge cutout in the front, as one does to a middle-school community theatre adaptation of Oliver. And though Kelly and Michael flirt like they may have sex in the bathroom during intermission, they prove to be such dedicated, loving parents, and it’s about the only redeeming scene in this whole godless episode.

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Emily invites the women over to have their coffee grounds read by a psychic. I wish Bravo would stop inserting psychics as Deus Ex Machina to move storylines along. No psychic will ever out-psychic the psychic on Season 1 of RHOBH so they need to give it up. Stop trying to make psychics happen! Tamra insists she doesn’t believe in psychics but then Bravo’s shady producers cut to an old clip of Tamra talking earnestly to a psychic about Brooks’ cancer scandal. We get it. Tamra lies constantly. Thank u, next. The psychic tells Gina that she needs to help someone with a name that starts with “SH”, and everyone is like Shannon! I think it’s SH for bullSHit but I am weary and my heart has turned to stone, an unintended consequence of too much BravoTV.

Vicki’s son Michael pays her a visit to scold her for going under the knife for another plastic surgery. She promises that this is her last surgery but in an interview she’s all “My body, my choice, fuck my kids.” Vicki is in Orange County, is “dating a hot guy”, and doesn’t want wrinkles. Welp, that’s a real Sophie’s choice - risk your life for elective cosmetic surgery or look your age. Both equally catastrophic outcomes.

YAY! It’s Gina’s sequin birthday party and she shows up to the restaurant with two of her girlfriends wearing different colored-versions of the same sequin mini dress. Like a Diana Ross and the Supremes cover band but sad and talentless. Emily, who is passionate about event planning, has decorated the table with an assortment of items one finds in the Joann Fabrics bargain bin.

Tamra has opted to spend the evening over at Vicki’s and shows up dressed as an old lady with costumes to match for Vicki and Shannon. Shannon then shows Tamra how to insert an enema, which seems gratuitous even for this tire fire of a show. Tamra has forgotten to let Gina know she wouldn’t be attending her party and Kelly and Gina call her to find out where she is. Tamra muddles her way through a poorly executed explanation. Gina is clearly hurt but she and Emily deflect by making fun of Shannon, Tamra, and Vicki’s ages over the phone. Tamra, emboldened by these insults, reveals to Shannon that Emily said she saw similarities between her mentally ill mother and Shannon. And thus, Tamra has laid some dry-ass kindling for next week’s season finale. Which, did I mention, can’t come soon enough.  

JACK & REBECCA'S BANGING ROAD TRIP (THIS IS US RECAP)

JACK & REBECCA'S BANGING ROAD TRIP (THIS IS US RECAP)

WHO'S SNATCHING THAT CROWN? ALL STARS IS BACK, KITTY GIRLS.

WHO'S SNATCHING THAT CROWN? ALL STARS IS BACK, KITTY GIRLS.