heauxs.jpeg

Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

CUKOO-NUTS (RHOC RECAP)

CUKOO-NUTS (RHOC RECAP)

The sun has risen after a brutal knock-down-drag-out night of Shannon vs. Kelly/Tamra/Vicki and nary a cast member from the RHOC can reach Ms. Beador. Vicki and Kelly have called, texted, shrieked, hollered, and used offensive Jamaican accents but Shannon is holed up in her Jamaican villa, alone, with only the memories of her crumbling marriage and microwaveable fish recipes to keep her company. Pay that no mind though because the other women are ready for fun.

Kelly has organized a day of climbing rocks in a waterfall, which leads to hilarious clips of Vicki tripping over herself and Kelly’s boobs flopping out of her swimsuit. Gina, who is scared of water that has not been filtered in a Brita, manages to navigate the aquatic adventure without losing her mind. Vicki, who is having a blast, declares that walking in waterfalls is against everything she believes. I don’t know what bible verse is anti-nature walks but if anyone can find it, I’m sure it’s Vicki.

Happy and weary, the ladies head back to their villas, where Vicki gets worked up that Shannon’s been radio silent. Maybe she’s sick, maybe she’s dead, maybe she came up with a recipe for microwavable Tilapia stuffed with vodka and had to fly back to QVC poste-haste to pitch her newest culinary brainchild to the unwashed masses. Meanwhile Kelly, Gina, and Emily discuss Shannon’s fragile mental health, and Emily breaks down about her depressive mother. It’s very sad; all the sadder because she’s married to a mole-rat dick of a husband so her life is rough (my words, not hers). Finally, Shannon answers the phone and invites Vicki to pick her up in her villa before the ladies dine beach-side. When Vicki arrives at Shannon’s villa, Shannon tries to explain that she needs space, that she’s hurt, and that she is processing the fight. Vicki is like “Fine okay, but where’s your lipstick and phone? I’m hungry. I can’t eat your feelings.”

At dinner, Shannon apologizes to Gina for being hard on her; she concedes that she wants an amicable divorce like Gina and the contrast in their divorces has been especially difficult to witness. Gina admits things aren’t perfect for her and begins to cry over Jamaican gift shop ornaments because those were always her and Matt’s “thing”. Oof! Ornaments are your thing??!! Boring couple alert! Then everyone accidentally drinks salad dressing thinking it’s soup and all is mostly right with the world.

The next day, Shannon arrives at Tamra’s room ready to hash out their issues. Tamra is hurt because Shannon’s reaction to criticism is to scream and accuse Tamra of being an awful person; Shannon is hurt because Tamra did not stick up for her when Gina said she was not a good friend. Furthermore, she thought the “Shannon’s a bad friend” episode was behind them since they resolved this issue over a month ago. Tamra insists that Gina’s accusation was based on what Gina observed over a month ago before Tamra and Shannon made up; however the viewers know that Tamra has been talking a lot of shit about Shannon. That will come to light soon enough. They both apologize (for now) and seem to reconcile (for now).

tamra (1).gif

The ladies then visit a stunning beach where Gina and Emily head off to eat lunch and Emily cries more about her broken relationship with her mother. Gina comforts her with kindness and empathy; perhaps she is too genuine to be on this show.

Meanwhile the other women drink rum out of coconuts and try to get Vicki to “twerk” which is just Vicki slowly swaying from side to side; more hokey pokey than hip thrusting. Then the ladies have a beautiful candlelight dinner and all agree that this total shitshow of a trip was incredible. And that’s a wrap on this godforsaken trip to Jamaica and hopefully on deeply offensive clips of cultural appropriation.

bye.jpg
NOVEMBER 1st IS A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE TIME TO LISTEN TO CHRISTMAS MUSIC, DON'T @ ME

NOVEMBER 1st IS A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE TIME TO LISTEN TO CHRISTMAS MUSIC, DON'T @ ME

HALLOWEEN IS FOR BABIES AND DRAG QUEENS AND I AM NOT DOING THIS WITH YOU

HALLOWEEN IS FOR BABIES AND DRAG QUEENS AND I AM NOT DOING THIS WITH YOU