HOME SHOPPING REDEMPTION (RHOC RECAP)
I’m entertained. Are you not entertained? When an entire episode of RHOC builds up to Shannon’s launch of a frozen food line at QVC, what could be more gripping? Water boiling? Paint drying? Me, standing in a poorly lit bathroom losing a desperate battle against one stubborn chin hair? Seriously, what is the point of this season? Ladies doing it for themselves? Real Housewives have always been ladies doing it for themselves since they’re all divorced and always trying to launch some new venture like low-fat Pinot Grigio-filled athleisure wear so this storyline is about as inspiring as Tamra’s Christian rebirth.
Speaking of uninspiring (and leathery) Vicki hops on the back of dull-Steve’s motorcycle to show him she’s-ride-or-die for her man. She screams bloody murder in his ear the whole ride but Vicki is determined to accompany him to a biker bar so as not to let some biker chick steal him away. Who would steal dull-Steve? Maybe a gang of insomniacs in need of someone with the voice and temperament to lull them to sleep at a moment’s notice.
Shannon Beador is ready to make her own way. To make her own money. To shed the pain of divorce and sell America frozen microwaveable fish and she’s going to Philly to do it! Goodbye abusive marriage, hello QVC. But first, Shannon must pack about 30 lbs of vitamins because that cold Philly air could mess with her energies and auras and chakra. Shannon takes her eldest daughter and Tamra along for the trip for moral support and both of them are like two nervous pageant moms but only one of them is the type that desperately wants to live vicariously through their pageant daughter. I’ll let you guess who, or should I say JUDGE who.
Did you know there’s another wife ready to make her own way? Though her marriage is great and her husband is great and everything is just great, Gina and her accent nails are discussing her impending divorce from Matt with her parents, who just flew in from New Jersey and boy are their arms TELLING THEM TO GET BACK ON A PLANE AND OUT OF THIS SUNNY AND SOULLESS REPUBLICAN HELLSCAPE. The three meet for drinks to discuss the divorce and her dad orders a tall glass of tonic water. Tell me more, Gina’s dad, about what it’s like to drink tonic sans gin? This is the real storyline this season. Gina’s parents are so lovely and supportive and now they must commit Seppuku because they’ve soiled their gentle souls with a cameo on BravoTV.
Kelly accompanies Jolie to a musical theatre audition and my goodness, though Kelly’s trying to be supportive, she makes it very clear that if she were Jolie’s age, she’d bully the hell out of her. According to Kelly, musical theatre kids are dorks but seriously, it’s so great that Jolie has found her passion. Honestly, Kelly’s laughing with her, not at her.
Vicki and Gina meet up for a detente since Vicki, the twice divorced lady who was wrapped up in a fake cancer scam, accused Gina of having no moral compass. Vicki insists the younger generation doesn’t respect marriage but whoever smelt it dealt, Vicki, ya big old fart machine.
The day of the QVC frozen food launch has arrived. Kelly throws a watch party for the ladies, while across the country in Philly, Tamra pumps Shannon up for her big debut. And when the time comes to hawk her wares, Shannon does pretty well. Yes she grabs her stomach fat on live television to make a point about weight loss and drops all of her cue cards, but goddammit, she’s confident, well spoken, and sells a whole lot of overpriced microwaveable meals. It does feel like a real triumph for a woman who has lost her marriage, her mind, and her health on reality television for the last few seasons. So let’s raise a glass of our most generic rosé and grab our collective muffin tops in honor of this little microwaveable win.