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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

FEELING HOT HOT HOT (RHOC RECAP)

FEELING HOT HOT HOT (RHOC RECAP)

I missed last week’s RHOC recap - The Housewives of Orange County offend Jamaica - because I was having a c-section, which was unequivocally less uncomfortable than watching the housewives don dreadlock hats and speak in horrifying Jamaican accents to their Jamaican bus driver. Beyond that, Gina and Emily are still pining away for Shannon’s affection, and the penthouse suite’s HVAC system is broken so everyone looks like they are melted wax candles made of hot vodka and facial fillers.

This week, we pick back up on our Jamaican getaway and the ladies are headed out for a boozy dinner. Still no air conditioning. Still looking like Judge Doom melting at the end of Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

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At dinner, Gina and Emily continue to push Shannon to open up and be friendlier and Shannon immediately goes on the defensive claiming she’s a great friend to everyone. Gina, to whom Tamra confided that Shannon is a wee bit self-involved, throws that info back in Shannon’s face. Shannon is all “TAMRA-I’m the BEST FRIEND. Tamra, tell everyone what an incredible friend I am. Tamra? Tamra! TAMRAAAAAAA.” Tamra trips over her words because Shannon is the world’s most self-centered person and this sends Shannon into a blind rage. She runs from the table to her safe space - any restaurant bathroom stall anywhere - where mascara runs down her face as she probably sings “It’s Not Right But It’s Okay” into the bathroom mirror. I can only assume.

Tamra finds Shannon in the bathroom and explains that everyone is going through shit. Kelly and Gina are both going through divorces; Tamra has been through the ringer with her ex-husband; and Emily is married to a molerat, but they all work to find joy in their lives. Shannon screeches about having it worse and being busier than everyone, which is just so tone deaf, given she’s getting about $13,000 a month in support from David and selling frozen meals on QVC, but girl has never worked, paid bills, or been alone before so it all seems overwhelming.

Before heading back to the hotel, Kelly calmly explains to Shannon that Tamra is just frustrated because Shannon never asks about her, an issue which Shannon thought they resolved over a month ago. This sends Shannon into another sad-sack spiral and when they arrive at the hotel, she sprints off wailing, demanding the Bravo camera crew stop following her or she’ll take her goddamn mic off, you hear?? She’s like a sweaty, botoxed, caged animal with a fabulous high ponytail.

When Shannon finally makes it into her room, Kelly, Tamra, and Vicki explain that they love her but they think she’s depressed. Apparently Shannon calls Kelly and Tamra crying every single day and night. Kelly and Vicki suggest she try medication and Shannon sheds her last vestiges of humanity and turns into a screaming bottle of Grey Goose Vodka. She accuses them of being terrible people, while proclaiming through a river of tears that she is very happy. Just. So. Happy.

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The fight concludes with Tamra swearing at Shannon and Shannon locking herself in the very hot penthouse suite while the other women move to an air conditioned room.

The next morning, no one can get a hold of Shannon and everyone is a little worried, but not worried enough NOT to go fake bobsledding at a bobsled amusement park. Kelly is excited because Jamaica won gold in bobsledding in the Olympics, which is categorically false, but I’m not here to correct Kelly Dodd, who is fast becoming the voice of reason on this series. The bobsled ride is fine, but the real excitement is that Vicki is wearing some sort of macrame pant suit one might find on a 15-year old at Coachella and everyone thinks she had brazilian butt implants. Maybe her fillers just melted down to her butt.

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The ladies have a fun boozy lunch and seem to be really enjoying each other. They better savor this moment because next week it looks like Shannon “the greatest of friends who just wants to have fun” is back to ruin everyone’s lives.

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