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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

DAMN GINA (RHOC RECAP)

DAMN GINA (RHOC RECAP)

Fitness! Crunches! Lunges! Trainers! Spandex! Tiny dogs! It’s an 80s workout montage and all the Housewives of the OC are sweating through their Botox. Except Shannon who is just getting a calf massage from her trainer. Her calf is very tight. You see, it’s where she holds the stress of an emotionally abusive ex-husband and years of yo-yo dieting.

Meanwhile, Emily, who had to use a surrogate to have children, has nine embryos left and wants one more daughter. But her mole-rat husband Shane doesn’t want more children. Most importantly, she can’t find a storyline that’s compelling. But nevertheless, she persists. Gina, whose divorce is SOOOO amicable, you guys, you don’t even know, confides to Emily that she plans to have her soon-to-be ex rotate in and out of her house on the reg so the kids don’t have to leave. Emily doesn’t think this is the most prudent plan and expresses as much by saying nothing and not making any facial expressions.

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Shannon, still high from her star turn as a QVC saleswoman, invites all the ladies over to her place to celebrate her frozen microwaveable fish empire. Gina is desperately trying to bond with Shannon, complimenting her, cracking jokes, making small talk, but Shannon is as cold as ice. Shannon has a history of stonewalling newer younger housewives and apparently Gina never got the memo because she’s so damn thirsty for Shannon’s friendship. Shannon heads to her kitchen to prep some pot roast while Gina breaks down to the other women about her divorce. Shannon overhears the crying in the kitchen and is not having it. In past episodes, Shannon has been annoyed that Gina seemed so level-headed about her divorce; now she’s irked that Gina seems anguished. Christ Shannon, your storyline since you came on the show has been your failing marriage to David. Have some empathy, you heartless wench. You do not have a monopoly on marital strife. Though you do have a monopoly on low-cal salmon that oozes cream cheese after just 2 minutes in the old microwave. Yummy!

Gina is wearing very blue eyeshadow because she expresses her moods through her smokey eye. This blue screams: I’m from Long Island and I’m very sad.

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The ladies plan a trip to Jamaica - a trip which I don’t want to acknowledge because in the previews for the next episode, they’re all wearing hats with fake dreadlocks and it just seems so offensive. But shame on me for expecting anything more from these women. Remember Mexico?

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In a rare moment of sweetness, Kelly takes her daughter Jolie back to the food bank where they have been volunteering. Jolie gets emotional helping out hungry children. It makes you think that for all of Kelly’s wild and deeply offensive tantrums, maybe she’s doing alright as a mom. I think the real lesson here is don’t judge a book by the number of times it calls other housewives the c-word.

Vicki and Steve head out with Steve’s daughter and her boyfriend to visit Vicki’s son Michael and his girlfriend. It’s a nice blended family scene until Vicki starts pressuring Steve to propose in front of all the kids. When that doesn’t work, she starts pressuring Michael to have a baby. Vicki can take a casual evening of red wine and tapas and turn it into a monstrous awkward mess. And that’s why she’s “The OG from the OC.” That sort of behaviour keeps us cogs coming back for more.  

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STEVIE! (AMERICAN HORROR STORY RECAP)

STEVIE! (AMERICAN HORROR STORY RECAP)

JUDGE KAVANAUGH, THE COVEN IS CALLING

JUDGE KAVANAUGH, THE COVEN IS CALLING