CRASH TEST DUMMIES (BACHELOR RECAP)
We open on a falcon. Is this Arie's spirit animal come to lead him to true love? Or is this a metaphor? The falcon—untamed! Free! Just like ... Arie On A Motorcycle?
Arie On A Motorcycle stares pensively over a canyon. Close up of his hand revving the engine. He's ready to go, he knows what he must do. He zooms towards his destiny—his house of heaux. It's all cheesy AF but props to Arie because I’d rather die than have a camera attached to the front of my bike shooting up at my chin and have it broadcast on national television. It's like if you open your phone and somehow the camera is on and you're faced with this:
Seriously, it feels like three hundred years have passed, I have no idea who these women are. I literally only recognize like three of them—the rest are just a blur of hairspray and need.
The ladies are THRILLED to see Arie on the motorcycle. They think it's SOOOO SEXY. Is it, though? Is it really? I mean is this really something women get turned on by, or just a tired ass trope? I would get turned on if Ruby Rose rolled up on a motorcycle, and as of today, I'm not a lesbian. But Ruby Rose on a motorcycle would turn me on. But Arie? It's just like TRYING SO HARD. It's like when the Gap makes streetwear. Like YOU'RE STILL THE GAP. WE SEE YOU. And really, does any intelligent woman trust her man enough to ride around on the back of his motorcycle? I'm thinking back on all my paramours, and those dudes were idiots and unsafe drivers, I'm not dying on some desert road just so you can play Sons of Anarchy, okurrrrrr!
Becca Who Spells Her Name Correctly is going on the first 1:1. SQUEAL! She boards the chopper and rides off to another mansion in California where there is inexplicably ... a seafood tower. IS THIS ANOTHER METAPHOR? If this is Arie's way of saying he likes to spend a lot of time downtown, my opinions may have changed, otherwise it's just like why is there so much lobster, Rachel Zoe ain't gonna eat it. OH RIGHT RACHEL ZOE IS THERE TOO AND SHE'S WEARING A SPANGLED JACKET. BANANAS. Full disclosure, I fucking love Rachel Zoe. I've got the Rachel Zoe Project on DVD and I wish they would bring that ish back right now. I like Rodger. I like the way she's all BANANAS all the time. She makes 70's fashion look modern and amazing. I like the way she says Demi. Deh-meeeeee. RZ I'M HERE FOR YOU.
On the plus side, the dresses RZ picks for Becca Who Spells Her Name Correctly are gorge. Regrettably, having Becca try on dresses and prance about in front of Arie is just GAG ME WITH A SPOON. Arie is like, you're so real, that's why I brought you on this date, because I knew you'd appreciate it. What the fuck does that even mean? I wish she would've responded, BRO I DO NOT NEED YOU TO MAKE ME OVER, I'M AN ADULT PERSON WITH A SUBSCRIPTION TO INSTYLE AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF LADY FRIENDS WHO TELL ME ABOUT THINGS LIKE MICROBLADING AND WHEN TO WEAR MOM JEANS. Instead she accepts some spikey Louboutins like a goth Cinderella.
Oh look, here comes some weirdo dressed like a spy, walking up the beach to present Becca with some truly ugly Neil Lane jewels. Arie puts her earrings in for her and touches her hair a lot. I'm so uncomfortable. They go to dinner and Becca is at ease because Arie says he’s close with his family and she’s close with her family too! Jinx! Arie explodes confetti all over them. Is this a phallic phoreshadowing? ROSE.
VIRGINIA SLIMS KRYSTAL 1:1
Arie is going to take Krystal to his hometown of Scottsdale, Arizona and show her his high school! Asphinctersayswhat? You gotta be pretty narcissistic to think on someone's first date with you they want to go to your high school and look at your baby pictures. He shows her a Pizza Hut where he worked at 16 and where he had his first kiss and YAWN. I would barely want to see this with someone I really liked. Krystal, of course, is very enthusiastic with a lot of baby-voiced awwwwwwwwwws!
They go over to Arie's parents house and Krystal's got a boner for this whole "happy privileged family" thing. She does a good job of smiling hard, complimenting everyone, and saying nothing of value.
The group date card comes. Whatever.
TIME FOR DINNER.
Krystal is nervous to talk about her family because they aren't perfect. Arie says he wants to learn about her anyway! How big of him! She says she had to care for her brother growing up and now he’s homeless. She says the last time she saw her brother, his hair was cinched. I think she means singed, but ok. Arie says he has friends with difficult upbringings and that it doesn’t reflect badly on her. And I'm just like WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE SHUT THE FUCK UP. No one needs to be forgiven for a shitty childhood. YOU WERE A CHILD YOU DIDN'T CONTROL IT. It's all so misogynistic and weird. The prince charming date, the I'll save you from the gutter date, it's all sort of icky for me.
Krystal's cool with it though. They make out. ROSE.
The girls burst from one of those bachelor party vans, squealing. Arie's not even there, so all that effort wasted. He rolls up in a racecar and the girls shriek again. You guys, driving is like something that like 90% of adults are trained to do. It's not a panty dropper.
For their group date they're gonna have a demolition derby. Annaliese starts crying because when she was a kid she got trapped in a bumper car and it was TRAUMATIC. Godammit, there goes my Bachelor bracket. I pegged Annaliese for being a real person and here she is, proving herself to be a real person, just a terrible one. She cries and cries and Arie fulfills his bachelor duties and pulls her to his chest.
The ladies ram their cars into each other. Finally Sienne wins. She sits down with Arie at the group date cocktails and reveals that she ... went to Yale. YALE. Sienne, how the hell did you end up here, girl? Please tell me this is research for your PhD in Sociology.
It's time for Chelsea to confess her secret to Arie. She says her son is the other man in her life. He doesn't freak out. She says when she told him she was a mother, he became so strong for her in that moment. I’m so grodied out about that. Thinking about it again now, I have a terrible feeling in my stomach. It's just like, not shaming someone for having a child is the BARE MINIMUM a prospective romantic partner can do. It's not award worthy. And became so strong for her? GIRL. You are someone's mother. A boy-child's mother. Like be strong for your damn self and do the damn thing. I hate all of this, I want to burn it to the ground.
*screams into the abyss about single mother stereotypes for three hours
Bibiana starts flipping out because she hasn’t talked to Arie yet. She storms off. She yells at the cameraman. The producers are just testing us to see if we're awake because that's the end of that drama.
SIENNE = ROSE.
COCKTAIL PARTY / ROSE CEREMONY TIME
Arie’s gonna check on Brittany who was almost killed at the derby. Her boobs look massive. I’m so worried about them falling out. He gives her a "most hardcore" certificate and I can’t take my eyes of her boobs. They're like a giant butt in her shirt.
Bekah Who Spells Her Name Creatively and my mom have the same haircut. Which cracks me up. Bekah and Arie make out. Why is his head twice the size of hers? Because he is twice as old as her? She tells him she’s simple, no drama, and easy to please. Sigh.
Krystal interrupts once of the Laurens. She says “Hieeeeeeeee," and it's not ironic.
Bibiana says Krystal is a selfish bitch. The taxidermy bitch shows up with some taxidermy. Bibiana is finally getting her time to talk to Arie! Arie tells Bibiana about his dog and the producers send Krystal over to interrupt their time. Bibiana might cut a bitch and it's the first time I've felt awake all night! Krystal sits by Bibiana and is all "sorrrrrrrrrrryyy my gah" and Bibiana's like “If I’m trying to talk to my man you need to back the fuck off.”
Some people we’ve never met are going home. Some blonde chick looks like she might murder someone and she’s not even going to say bye to Arie. He’s not gonna go down like that! He’s like I’m sorry, let’s hug it out. She’s like, let’s talk about it. She doesn’t think this thing is for her. She’s not sad about him she says, she’s sad because she made friends. Bitch, this ain't summer camp. She cries. She thought she was going to end up with him but he picked a taxidermist over her. This girl is all over the road (racecar pun!) PICK A DAMN LANE.
Until next week, mon cheries.