FEVER PITCH (RHOBH RECAP)
Tonight’s RHOBH was all about bestowing pearls of wisdom on us common people. Or whatever the luxury version of pearls is. Diamonds of wisdom? Bugattis of Wisdom? Kelsey Grammer Prenups of Wisdom? Here are some important life lessons from tonight’s episode:
According to Lisa Rinna, if you want to endure in show business, accept parts no one else would. Like adult diaper commercials.
- A responsible amount of money to spend on a birthday party is between a Range Rover and a Rolls Royce. Dorit tells us this as she prepares to throw the tackiest yacht party for PK, a mole-man whom she married in exchange for a mid-atlantic accent and $50K of Hermès china. Can someone reboot The Simple Life and cast Dorit? But then not air the show and just leave her on a farm? What I’m asking is: can someone move Dorit to a farm in Idaho never to be heard from again?
Compared to the women on this show, Boy George seems like a basic dude who probably wears dockers and socks with sandals.
Lessons aside, Teddi and Lisa VP bond over a shared love of horses. Aside from punctuality, this is Teddi’s only other defining characteristic. This is the third or fourth episode where we see her riding because there’s only so many shots of her sitting somewhere on time that I can handle before I blow up my tv. Teddi confides in Lisa that she’d like to invite the ladies to her casual beach house but is concerned about how the women will react to its unfancy-ness because, last week, an unnamed housewife criticised her for pouring champagne into a wine glass (ahem..Dorit) Lisa is DYING to know who the offending cast member is but Teddit stays mum.
Meanwhile Dorit is busy planning a surprise party for PK’s 50th birthday, which involves flying family and friends in from England, dinner for 100 people on a yacht, a helicopter ride to the yacht, a performance of Fever with Boy George, and stirring up unnecessary and irritating drama with Teddi.
But first, Dorit invites Lisa VP to tour the yacht and Lisa reveals that Teddi mentioned someone was upset about her using the wrong glassware in her home. Who could it be? Dorit was like, well that was me, but c’mon, who gets upset about someone being rude in your home, and if you can’t stand the criticism, move out of the way of my incredibly annoying personality. Lisa tries to calm Dorit and take the heat off Teddi but really she’s like:
Dorit enlists Erika as a song and dance coach for her Boy George performance for PK’s party. Erika brings in Mikey, her life coach, choreographer, stylists, paid best friend, and house plant, and it’s revealed that Mikey previously coached GRETCHEN ROSSI of RHOC on singing and dancing. I’d call this an upgrade. Mikey teaches Dorit to squat, slither, and have sex with her eyes and Boy George is like “how am I the white boring dude in this scenario?”
The night of the party, all of PK’s friends, family, and mole-people gather on the yacht. Production really misses an opportunity to blare Yakety Sachs as all the women teeter down the ramp to the yacht. Dorit and PK helicopter into the party and PK, the Mole-Man, is so moved that he even cries out of his little mole eyes. It’s a beautiful coming together of D-list celebrities and A-list mole people.
Dorit and Boy George sing Fever and Dorit is not terrible though her sexy stare is more ‘I’ve been kidnapped by the North Koreans and I’m trying to signal to you with my blinks’ than ‘come hither’.
But alas, too many people are having too good a time and so Dorit, an evil hyena in a cheap Blondie wig, saunters off to confront Teddi about her sensitivity to Dorit critiquing her glassware etiquette.
Teddi is like ‘It’s cool. We’re different people and that’s fine,” and Dorit sees this as an invitation to accuse Teddi of psychopathy and dishonesty and a promise that she’ll never get over this affront. Meanwhile Erika, Lisa R and Camille are on the upper deck remarking what a nice calm evening it’s been. They’re blissfully unaware that this yacht has hit Iceberg Dorit and it’s draining the joy, life, and even morality out of everything it touches.